We have tried to lay low this week with Ruth. It is a very difficult thing for us (Mike, Cindy, and I) to do. The powers that be at Corinthians keep telling me it will be better for Ruth for us to stop jumping at her command...she sure has commanding down to an art form...As always, our main desire is for Ruth to become more comfortable where she is. She is still fighting it tooth and nail but we are listening to her rants less. We try to divert her to another subject when she starts complaining.
This weeks goal is for her to either give in and eat the food provided for her at Corinthians(she has many choices there) or to get on 'that damn bus' and go to Kroger. The end result of this is that it is supposed to make her feel more independent , help her to get to know the other peeps there better ,and help her realize the costs of the type of constant care we have been providing since she moved. Michelle says that she will the feel so much better and will begin to settle in. ...here's hoping Michelle...
The amount of money that Ruth has cost in the last month has been unbelievable. Mike and I have spent more than $2100 in one month on her. The cost for Cindy to drive back and forth is major for her. On top of that Ruth has had $2290 transferred over from her savings to cover her extra expenses over the last 3 months... We are worried...It has quickly become time for the siblings to step in and help , at least with expenses. As much as we want to, Mike and I can not continue to be the only ones financially supporting Ruth. For more than 20 years Linda, Cokie, Mike and I have been paying money each month for Ruths care. In that time Ruth was able to put away a little bit of money in savings . In the last 8 or 9 months she has depleted most of that money and we are still not in the time that the most expensive part of her care has begun. Cindy has told me that everyone has so much they are dealing with ...welcome to the club...our lives are no less complicated and we can lead the pack when it comes to being treated poorly by Ruth over the years BUT she still has to be cared for.
The one thing I can say for sure is that Ruth is a broken little woman who feels abandoned by her family. We all know that her life has been her choice but she now lives in a side world that she believes she was an'exemplary' mother and that she stayed in close contact with her own siblings. She can not understand why she can not go and live with one of her children or her siblings(all deceased or in a care facility). She thinks she needs to get a job so she can afford to move wherever she wants. She is even complaining about not wanting to go back to college as she has done that enough. We deal with this same conversation at least 5 times in every visit. She continues to believe that there is nothing wrong with her and that we are all crazy to think she can not live anywhere she wants. She is trying to figure out how to get another car and how she will get her furniture back so that she can move back home with her many friends and family members.She has no idea , no matter how many times we try to gently tell her, that she can not live on her own any more. The sad truth is, she is not many steps from needing to be put in a lock down facility...
At the end of the day we simply feel guilty. We know this is not our fault and that we have very little control over the situation. We know that moving her anywhere is not what will be the magic bullet that will make her happy. Her idea of what made her so happy before is false. She did not live in that world that she has chosen to remember. She was unsafe in Arlington and driving everyone crazy. She needs more care than we can offer and she needs to be in a safe facility. Her place is lovely but it is still a retirement home. She doesn't think she is as old as everyone else there .
Our goals this week can only be met if we can pass the test and leave her alone. I think this is the hardest part yet. I know my Mama would have never left her mother or mother in law alone to fend for themselves ,even if it was in a place as lovely and accommodating as Corinthians.. Of course, they were the normal sweet, quiet grandmothers that you think you will end up with. As my Daddy always said,"In the end, you reap what you sow.'' It is so sad to me that Ruth is now in that place. How I wish that she could have kept all lines of communication open with her children and that she could now be calm enough to be welcomed in any of our homes to live out the rest of her life being cared for by all of us. I see her on a daily basis and I know that is beyond impossible. SOOOOO we continue to do the best we can. Our biggest worry is that Ruth is going to continue to escalate in her negative behaviours at Corinthians and they will ask us to move her...we will be dead in the water if that happens...
Hopefully she got on the bus today and went to Kroger to get what she wanted. Hopefully that will accomplish all the things Michelle said it will. Hopefully Ruth will settle in and try to enjoy her surroundings and the care she is getting..we just keep hoping...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday.
In fact, Mom was rather pleasant today. I'm beginning to think Mom saves her tirades for Teresa. (so sorry Teresa.)
She told me that Mike got her TV replaced and she is happy about that. She again told me that Mike had bought that other TV. I tell her again, I know. She talks about how good Mike and Teresa are to her. I tell her I don't know what she would do without Teresa.
She was restless, as is usual these days, and wants to take a walk. I stop to again look into the game/TV room. I tell her there is a Scrabble game and mabey we could play later. She isn't interested. Keep in mind that in the past, Mom would call me on my day off and ask if I could come over and play Scrabble. I would and we would play for hours. She's just not interested anymore.
We went outside to smoke a couple of times as she told she's not allowed to smoke in the room. Progress, mabey. I won't count on it though. We had company both times and I am sorry to say that I cannot bring this nice ladies name to mind to save my life right now although I have visited with her almost every time I have visited Mom. She can't be much more than about 70 and uses one of those wheeled walkers that you can sit on. (Wish I had invented those things.) With her oxygen tank and breathing apparatus secured to her walker, she is outside smoking. She is a very nice lady and I feel for her. But in all honesty, she seems to be a pretty happy camper. I like her alot. She is always very upbeat and happy to talk with anyone.
I was home for no more than an hour when Mom called. Oh no, what now. She asks me to come back. I tell her that I just left there and just got home about 30 minutes ago and explain that I am an hour away, it's 100 degrees outside and that my AC doesn't work. She says she understands.
An hour after that call, she calls again and asks me to either come visit her or come get her and bring her home with me. I explain again and let her know that she would go nuts in my car in 100 degrees driving the hour plus it would take for me to bring her home with me. She tells me she understands but I know she's pissed off.
Then, I get a bright idea. (Correction-bad idea.) I thought it may be a good thing for her to talk with her good friend Terry, who I don't think she has spoken to since she has been there. So I called her back and let her in on my bright idea. There was no answer. 5 minutes later, she calls me and asked if I called and I said "yes, I did. Mom, I know that you are feeling lonely and thought you might like to call Terry and see how he's doing. I don't think you've talked to him since you moved and he has called me a couple of times to ask how you are." She went off. She was down the hall and had to come back to her apt. to call meback after she heard the phone ring. She sounds very upset and wants to know why I called. Honestly, I was so confused by her response that when she hung up on me, I looked at my phone just stunned. Did she really just do that.
There is no pleasing or apeasing her. I don't think it's possible anymore.
Goodnight Mom.
In fact, Mom was rather pleasant today. I'm beginning to think Mom saves her tirades for Teresa. (so sorry Teresa.)
She told me that Mike got her TV replaced and she is happy about that. She again told me that Mike had bought that other TV. I tell her again, I know. She talks about how good Mike and Teresa are to her. I tell her I don't know what she would do without Teresa.
She was restless, as is usual these days, and wants to take a walk. I stop to again look into the game/TV room. I tell her there is a Scrabble game and mabey we could play later. She isn't interested. Keep in mind that in the past, Mom would call me on my day off and ask if I could come over and play Scrabble. I would and we would play for hours. She's just not interested anymore.
We went outside to smoke a couple of times as she told she's not allowed to smoke in the room. Progress, mabey. I won't count on it though. We had company both times and I am sorry to say that I cannot bring this nice ladies name to mind to save my life right now although I have visited with her almost every time I have visited Mom. She can't be much more than about 70 and uses one of those wheeled walkers that you can sit on. (Wish I had invented those things.) With her oxygen tank and breathing apparatus secured to her walker, she is outside smoking. She is a very nice lady and I feel for her. But in all honesty, she seems to be a pretty happy camper. I like her alot. She is always very upbeat and happy to talk with anyone.
I was home for no more than an hour when Mom called. Oh no, what now. She asks me to come back. I tell her that I just left there and just got home about 30 minutes ago and explain that I am an hour away, it's 100 degrees outside and that my AC doesn't work. She says she understands.
An hour after that call, she calls again and asks me to either come visit her or come get her and bring her home with me. I explain again and let her know that she would go nuts in my car in 100 degrees driving the hour plus it would take for me to bring her home with me. She tells me she understands but I know she's pissed off.
Then, I get a bright idea. (Correction-bad idea.) I thought it may be a good thing for her to talk with her good friend Terry, who I don't think she has spoken to since she has been there. So I called her back and let her in on my bright idea. There was no answer. 5 minutes later, she calls me and asked if I called and I said "yes, I did. Mom, I know that you are feeling lonely and thought you might like to call Terry and see how he's doing. I don't think you've talked to him since you moved and he has called me a couple of times to ask how you are." She went off. She was down the hall and had to come back to her apt. to call meback after she heard the phone ring. She sounds very upset and wants to know why I called. Honestly, I was so confused by her response that when she hung up on me, I looked at my phone just stunned. Did she really just do that.
There is no pleasing or apeasing her. I don't think it's possible anymore.
Goodnight Mom.
Friday, June 4, 2010
In The Middle Of the Night...
Never a dull moment around here... At 12:00 A M I took a couple of Tylenol P M (that's right, this old Grandma is still a bit sore from kayaking with the babies) so I could get some rest. I laid down at 12:30 and was just dosing off when my phone rang...The most interesting thing to me about that situation is that I didn't have that 'sinking Mommy feeling' when I heard it, I had that 'oh my gosh daughter in law feeling' and immediately wondered what Ruth was up to...My feeling was correct, it was Stan from Corinthians saying that he could not get Ruth to go back to her room and that she was yelling in the halls and knocking on residents doors. He asked if I could come and try to calm her....I told him I would be right there...Important observation...It is a lot harder to quietly find stuff in the dark and to get dressed when you have just dozed off after taking Tylenol P M...
I pulled up in the parking lot at 1:00 Am to two police cars parked in front of the entrance...oh my goodness, oh my goodness...Stan let me in and apologized for calling so late.He said that Ruth had called the police...OH MY GOODNESS...He said she was so agitated and he tried to get her to just go back to her room but she wouldn't go. He said she kept yelling at him to ,"Sit back down behind that desk." I just kept saying I was so sorry. He said that he was there yesterday when Mike went over AGAIN to look at Ruth's T V but that she kept telling him that it was her husband who came by....hehehehe Mikey boy...We turned the corner and the officers were coming out of her room. They said they had gotten her back in her room(she had knocked on doors until one of the residents had let her in to keep her quiet) and that they had calmed her down.... I said ,"thank you so much." They asked if I had a key to get in and I told them no but Ruth opened the door right then and asked what was going on. She saw me and just waved her hand while telling me to come in , she needed to talk with me. It was like it was the most natural thing in the world for me to be there at 1 in the morning...
For more than 4 hours Ruth chattered away. She couldn't remember what got her so agitated. She couldn't figure out how I got in the room. She was so grateful to the nice young lady who let her in and saved her life...Ruth's take on the story was...She remembered that she went down about midnight to get Stan to set her clock to the exact time his was set at..she didn't know why she did that...she didn't know what happened next but when Stan stood up to come around the desk(my guess would be he did that to fix her clock) she realized how stupid she was to talk to this strange man because she had no idea who he was ( she has seen him many times)...she said he then told her to go to her room..now Ruth's little mind went into overdrive and she decided that he wanted her to go to her room to' rape her or do God knows what else'. She said she decided to become as loud and belligerent as possible as she thought her life was in danger...she said she knocked on door after door to try to get in to someones apartment...once she got in one, she decided to call the police so they could 'handle Stan'...It was a mess...Over and over, I explained what Stan's job is...she said I didn't know what his job was and that I was just plain wrong about him having any right to tell residents what to do...whatever... she finally calmed down...we chatted about birthin babies...women's roles in a home...kids decisions being their own choices and on and on...I told her about 4 times that I really had to go...I left about 5:15...she seemed fine...
Cindy called at about 10:00 A M to let me know that her brothers mother had called and needed toilet paper and tissues...we decided to be tough(HAHAHA) and have Cindy call her back and tell her to take the bus...I didn't answer my phone when she called...I tell Cindy about last nights fun...we are both at a loss as to what to do..can it get any worse..why yes little ladies, I am sure it can...Mike comes home early...we decide to just go buy her another T V today and take her some T P, kleenex AND Tic Tacs...last night Ruth reminded me how STUPID we were to get her such a HUGE T V and how stupid we were to not take back the messed up one sooner SOOOO we bought her a 27 inch one this time...When we got there Carla said she had been on the war path all morning and that the residents she was approaching would just shake their heads and walk away...what to do , what to do...She opened the door and ushered us in...She was so confused about the process involved in getting the new T V...we kept telling her that we just stopped by Walmart and bought another one....she just couldn't grasp the idea...She was sitting on the bed chattering away about how stupid it was that we bought the big one, how she HATED the letters HD on the T V as it just meant that you were trying to act important...chatter, chatter, chatter...Mike got it working as quickly as he could...She was thrilled with the smaller T V, she said she likes things smaller, it is not so pretentious...she said the picture is much better...it is perfect( Oh God, PLEASE let it stay perfect)...Mike told her we had things to do (HMMM, that would be Cracker Barrel)...she said how much she appreciated all we do...she seemed happy...as we left Mari asked how she was doing and laughed and said she couldn't believe she called the police. I explained what Ruth was thinking.She said she would get Michelle to go by and talk with her to be sure she was O K...they really are so great...We just want Ruth to calm down so they don't kick her out,we could never duplicate where she is living for what we are paying....
I pulled up in the parking lot at 1:00 Am to two police cars parked in front of the entrance...oh my goodness, oh my goodness...Stan let me in and apologized for calling so late.He said that Ruth had called the police...OH MY GOODNESS...He said she was so agitated and he tried to get her to just go back to her room but she wouldn't go. He said she kept yelling at him to ,"Sit back down behind that desk." I just kept saying I was so sorry. He said that he was there yesterday when Mike went over AGAIN to look at Ruth's T V but that she kept telling him that it was her husband who came by....hehehehe Mikey boy...We turned the corner and the officers were coming out of her room. They said they had gotten her back in her room(she had knocked on doors until one of the residents had let her in to keep her quiet) and that they had calmed her down.... I said ,"thank you so much." They asked if I had a key to get in and I told them no but Ruth opened the door right then and asked what was going on. She saw me and just waved her hand while telling me to come in , she needed to talk with me. It was like it was the most natural thing in the world for me to be there at 1 in the morning...
For more than 4 hours Ruth chattered away. She couldn't remember what got her so agitated. She couldn't figure out how I got in the room. She was so grateful to the nice young lady who let her in and saved her life...Ruth's take on the story was...She remembered that she went down about midnight to get Stan to set her clock to the exact time his was set at..she didn't know why she did that...she didn't know what happened next but when Stan stood up to come around the desk(my guess would be he did that to fix her clock) she realized how stupid she was to talk to this strange man because she had no idea who he was ( she has seen him many times)...she said he then told her to go to her room..now Ruth's little mind went into overdrive and she decided that he wanted her to go to her room to' rape her or do God knows what else'. She said she decided to become as loud and belligerent as possible as she thought her life was in danger...she said she knocked on door after door to try to get in to someones apartment...once she got in one, she decided to call the police so they could 'handle Stan'...It was a mess...Over and over, I explained what Stan's job is...she said I didn't know what his job was and that I was just plain wrong about him having any right to tell residents what to do...whatever... she finally calmed down...we chatted about birthin babies...women's roles in a home...kids decisions being their own choices and on and on...I told her about 4 times that I really had to go...I left about 5:15...she seemed fine...
Cindy called at about 10:00 A M to let me know that her brothers mother had called and needed toilet paper and tissues...we decided to be tough(HAHAHA) and have Cindy call her back and tell her to take the bus...I didn't answer my phone when she called...I tell Cindy about last nights fun...we are both at a loss as to what to do..can it get any worse..why yes little ladies, I am sure it can...Mike comes home early...we decide to just go buy her another T V today and take her some T P, kleenex AND Tic Tacs...last night Ruth reminded me how STUPID we were to get her such a HUGE T V and how stupid we were to not take back the messed up one sooner SOOOO we bought her a 27 inch one this time...When we got there Carla said she had been on the war path all morning and that the residents she was approaching would just shake their heads and walk away...what to do , what to do...She opened the door and ushered us in...She was so confused about the process involved in getting the new T V...we kept telling her that we just stopped by Walmart and bought another one....she just couldn't grasp the idea...She was sitting on the bed chattering away about how stupid it was that we bought the big one, how she HATED the letters HD on the T V as it just meant that you were trying to act important...chatter, chatter, chatter...Mike got it working as quickly as he could...She was thrilled with the smaller T V, she said she likes things smaller, it is not so pretentious...she said the picture is much better...it is perfect( Oh God, PLEASE let it stay perfect)...Mike told her we had things to do (HMMM, that would be Cracker Barrel)...she said how much she appreciated all we do...she seemed happy...as we left Mari asked how she was doing and laughed and said she couldn't believe she called the police. I explained what Ruth was thinking.She said she would get Michelle to go by and talk with her to be sure she was O K...they really are so great...We just want Ruth to calm down so they don't kick her out,we could never duplicate where she is living for what we are paying....
Thursday, June 3, 2010
June 3...UNCLE
The last few days with Ruth have been draining. After my 'requested by Ruth's 6 calls today ' visit with Ruth, I am crying UNCLE and have decided I will take a break for a bit. We are making no progress in our quest to make Ruth any happier or more settled. She is down right mean at times . We are at a loss ...
The director at Corinthians has suggested that we all back off for a while. Once again, Michelle says we need to stop buying her beer, cigarettes , and requested foods so that Ruth will be forced to eat the food provided and that she will realize that she can take the bus to get whatever she wants....mmmmm......I think Ruth may be stronger willed than they realize but after today I think it is time to let her fend for herself....I think...
This week she has been more agitated, more confused, and more demanding. We are throwing in the towel on the new T V we bought her and taking it back to exchange it for another one. It is the only way to stop her complaining about it...I am sorry Walmart, I know there is nothing wrong with the T V but she will NOT leave everyone alone until it is done...
We have got to get the Dr's to help us out. Our biggest fear is that she will be asked to leave Corinthians...She has no idea what a nice place she is at. She thinks everyone is crazy for thinking she has any medical issues. There is NO possibility that she can live on her own again and she really is too demanding to live with any one else. I chatted with her about maybe having a room mate ...she said she would think about that...I told her she would have to understand that most people there do not smoke or drink...She said," Oh, I wouldn't let that bother me. I don't care if they don't smoke." I told her that she would have to find someone who did not care that she smoked and drank. She got agitated , waved her hand in the air and said," I don't care what they think about me smoking, they will have to get used to that."...we are fighting a losing battle. Ruth genuinely feels like she sets all the rules for everyone...
We all know how out of control Ruth feels. We know how much she hates where she is. We know that she wants her car back and to live with all her friends and family in Arlington. We are so sad for her. We simply do not know what to do to make things better.
The director at Corinthians has suggested that we all back off for a while. Once again, Michelle says we need to stop buying her beer, cigarettes , and requested foods so that Ruth will be forced to eat the food provided and that she will realize that she can take the bus to get whatever she wants....mmmmm......I think Ruth may be stronger willed than they realize but after today I think it is time to let her fend for herself....I think...
This week she has been more agitated, more confused, and more demanding. We are throwing in the towel on the new T V we bought her and taking it back to exchange it for another one. It is the only way to stop her complaining about it...I am sorry Walmart, I know there is nothing wrong with the T V but she will NOT leave everyone alone until it is done...
We have got to get the Dr's to help us out. Our biggest fear is that she will be asked to leave Corinthians...She has no idea what a nice place she is at. She thinks everyone is crazy for thinking she has any medical issues. There is NO possibility that she can live on her own again and she really is too demanding to live with any one else. I chatted with her about maybe having a room mate ...she said she would think about that...I told her she would have to understand that most people there do not smoke or drink...She said," Oh, I wouldn't let that bother me. I don't care if they don't smoke." I told her that she would have to find someone who did not care that she smoked and drank. She got agitated , waved her hand in the air and said," I don't care what they think about me smoking, they will have to get used to that."...we are fighting a losing battle. Ruth genuinely feels like she sets all the rules for everyone...
We all know how out of control Ruth feels. We know how much she hates where she is. We know that she wants her car back and to live with all her friends and family in Arlington. We are so sad for her. We simply do not know what to do to make things better.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Today wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I told her yesterday that I wanted to have lunch with her in the dining room. She happily agreed. Huh?? Am I going to make a little headway and get her to actually eat in the dining room?? What was I thinking. Of course not. The food there is awful according to her and she did not even let them put a plate in front of her. Not the soup, not the salad, not the diner and not even the piping hot peach and apple cobbler (yum)
Prior to lunch being served, there was a very small, but nice tribute to our military.
During this tribute Mom had to go back to her room. Then she came back, sat down for awhile. Long story short, she went home and came back 4 or 5 times all within an hour and a half.
I thought she would go off about her visit with Mike (Dick) but she didn't. Instead, she asked me if I knew that the T.V. doesn't belong to Corinthians, Mike bought it for her. I said yes, I do know. Then she asked me if I knew that Mike bought her the bed. I again said yes, I know that Mike bought her the bed.
Here we go; "How do you know Mike?" I tell her again, for the umpteenth time that he is my brother. I say " Mom, he's my brother, my only living brother." I added that fact thinking she might want to talk about Court with me as she had wanted to talk with Teresa about him yesterday. Guess not. She didn't even mention Court.
Today I brought a photo album with pics that are 20 plus years old. There were pics of Court, Lee and little Court, including shots of Mom with Court and little Court, Mike and Teresa's family, my ex-husband, me pregnant with my now 24 year old son , Linda, Scott and Tracy.
A couple of pics were of Mom at her job as the social director for the apt. complex she worked at and showed her with Jack. No, not Jack her ex, Jack the man she dated for a long time. In this case, there really are two Jack's. But, she did not remember him. I reminded her how she met him and how much she, and we liked him. She wasn't really interested. I don't think she remembers him at all. At least not today.
She wanted to know what I was going to do with the album. I said I'll leave it here for awhile because I thought Mike and Teresa might like to see some of the pics and I'll take it home later.
She wanted to know where to keep it. I suggested she just put it on the chair so she wouldn't forget to let Teresa see it. She did.
She talked again about the fact that she hates it there. She asks me what I think. I tell her, again, that I would love it. I say "Mom, are you kidding me. You don't have to plan meals, shop, cook or clean up afterwards. It's all done for you. You go to the dining room and they serve you, or if you prefer, you can let them know what you want and they will bring it to your apt. They come in and clean your room. What I wouldn't give." She goes back to hating the food. I remind her AGAIN that she can order whatever she wants and again, she knows. She just doesn't do it.
I'm beginning to think she's happier just to have something to bitch about. Kind of like a little kid telling mommy that he doesn't want to stay in school and needs to find a reason for mommy to let him stay home.
She again talks about where she will go when she does get out of here. She talks again about getting a job. She tells me that Mike told her yesterday that she can't get a job and I tell her that he is right. I remind her that I am looking for a job and that the job market sucks, the economy sucks and that at 53, I'm having a hard time. I remind her that at 83, nobody is going to hire her not only because of her age but that she has no way to get to a job. She understands, for now. I'm sure I will be going over this same subject with her again next week.
I keep hoping that this will all get better for her and while I am with her I continue to encourage her to get out and meet people.
Please, please, find some happiness and peace.
Goodnight Mom.
Love,
Cindy
Prior to lunch being served, there was a very small, but nice tribute to our military.
During this tribute Mom had to go back to her room. Then she came back, sat down for awhile. Long story short, she went home and came back 4 or 5 times all within an hour and a half.
I thought she would go off about her visit with Mike (Dick) but she didn't. Instead, she asked me if I knew that the T.V. doesn't belong to Corinthians, Mike bought it for her. I said yes, I do know. Then she asked me if I knew that Mike bought her the bed. I again said yes, I know that Mike bought her the bed.
Here we go; "How do you know Mike?" I tell her again, for the umpteenth time that he is my brother. I say " Mom, he's my brother, my only living brother." I added that fact thinking she might want to talk about Court with me as she had wanted to talk with Teresa about him yesterday. Guess not. She didn't even mention Court.
Today I brought a photo album with pics that are 20 plus years old. There were pics of Court, Lee and little Court, including shots of Mom with Court and little Court, Mike and Teresa's family, my ex-husband, me pregnant with my now 24 year old son , Linda, Scott and Tracy.
A couple of pics were of Mom at her job as the social director for the apt. complex she worked at and showed her with Jack. No, not Jack her ex, Jack the man she dated for a long time. In this case, there really are two Jack's. But, she did not remember him. I reminded her how she met him and how much she, and we liked him. She wasn't really interested. I don't think she remembers him at all. At least not today.
She wanted to know what I was going to do with the album. I said I'll leave it here for awhile because I thought Mike and Teresa might like to see some of the pics and I'll take it home later.
She wanted to know where to keep it. I suggested she just put it on the chair so she wouldn't forget to let Teresa see it. She did.
She talked again about the fact that she hates it there. She asks me what I think. I tell her, again, that I would love it. I say "Mom, are you kidding me. You don't have to plan meals, shop, cook or clean up afterwards. It's all done for you. You go to the dining room and they serve you, or if you prefer, you can let them know what you want and they will bring it to your apt. They come in and clean your room. What I wouldn't give." She goes back to hating the food. I remind her AGAIN that she can order whatever she wants and again, she knows. She just doesn't do it.
I'm beginning to think she's happier just to have something to bitch about. Kind of like a little kid telling mommy that he doesn't want to stay in school and needs to find a reason for mommy to let him stay home.
She again talks about where she will go when she does get out of here. She talks again about getting a job. She tells me that Mike told her yesterday that she can't get a job and I tell her that he is right. I remind her that I am looking for a job and that the job market sucks, the economy sucks and that at 53, I'm having a hard time. I remind her that at 83, nobody is going to hire her not only because of her age but that she has no way to get to a job. She understands, for now. I'm sure I will be going over this same subject with her again next week.
I keep hoping that this will all get better for her and while I am with her I continue to encourage her to get out and meet people.
Please, please, find some happiness and peace.
Goodnight Mom.
Love,
Cindy
Saturday, May 29, 2010
May 29...Oh Ruth
O K....today was Mikes day but since he would never record on the blog I will try to recap his fun times....
He called Ruth at 9 this morning and told her he was going to do the yard first thing today due to the heat and then if she would like he would come and visit her late in the afternoon. She said that made sense and she would see him later.
At 1 Mike went to retrieve the much needed golf balls for our Memorial Day Bash. He called me about 1:30 and said he had just talked with his Mom....he laughed... I said ," Oh no, what did she have to say?" He said she called him and said," Michael, the other Mike called me this morning and said he was coming to see me today . Do you know what time he is coming?" ...my turn to laugh at him.... He said," Mom, that was me that called." Ruth said, " No , it was the other Mike." Mike explained in detail his call that morning .Ruth said, " Oh,
O K but can you tell the family that I am not going to cook tonight ." Mike said,"Mom, of course you are not going to cook, you don't have a stove." Ruth said, " Um, whatever, I know they will be expecting me to cook but we can eat in the dining room if everyone wants." Mike says," Mom, I will see you later, how about 3:30." Ruth says that will be fine...
Mike leaves a little before 3 to visit his Mom....At 3:07 Ruth calls me . After the usual intro she says, " Teresa, where is all the family?"...I hesitate and say, ''What?'' Ruth anxiously says, " Where is all the family? They were supposed to be here by now?" I say, "Ruth, Mike talked to you at 1 today and told you he would be there at 3:30." She hurriedly says," Oh, I misunderstood, I am sorry." I said," No problem, Mike is actually on his way. Have a good time."
Mike was there for a couple of hours. She was headed out the door with her trusty Kroger Shopping Purse in hand when he arrived. They went back in and the whirlwind began.
It is too difficult to recreate exact conversations from someone else's story, especially one told by a man who is suffering from both a cigarette smoke headache and the fog that is a visit with Ruth so I will just hit some of the highlights.
As soon as he got there, Ruth's first order of business was to show Mike her medical report( been there and done that before). The next important item was her bill from Corinthians. Mike looked over both things and let her know they were in order. Her next thing was she wanted him to look at the menu for dinner. She said that the family may want to eat in the dining room. Mike said he was the only one coming. She said that the family was coming, all the kids. Mike asked who. Ruth said all those kids. Mike said that all of our kids lived in their own home and that he was sorry if he led her to think anyone else was coming.She says never mind...
Now she is ready for the kill...she has to get out of this place..she hates it here... she has so many options she doesn't know which one to choose...did she mention she hates it here...
Mike is much more patient now and he has learned the art of talking softly and in a more monotone voice to try to sooth her. He addresses each statement and is smart enough to ASK her what her options are(you go Mike)...She thinks for a minute and realizes she doesn't really have any...Mike tauts the great qualities of Corinthians... Ruth says the food is awful... Mike says maybe she should try to find things she likes...(Ain't gonna happen my love)...Ruth wants to know whose idea this whole thing was. Mike tells her all of ours. He tells her how sad he feels because she doesn't like it there...It doesn't help...That conversation continues for awhile..
Her next BIG deal is," does he know WHO BOUGHT THAT TV.." He says ,"Yes Mom, I bought the TV." Ruth rears up and says, "LIAR"...Mike says," Mom why would I lie about that?" She says ,''Terry keeps telling me the other Mike bought the T V." ...we're on the slippery slope now...Mike tries to explain , Ruth get really angry, Mike tries to calm her down, Ruth is not calming down..She belligerently adds," O K, tell me this..who bought the mattresses?" Mike quietly says," Mom, I bought them." Once again,"AH HA, I know you are lying. Teresa said her husband bought them." Mike says," Mom ,I am her husband. There is no other Mike. I am Mike your son and Teresa's husband. I don't know why that is so confusing for you but there is only me." She is livid...Mike is wrong...There are 2 Mikes...Mike just tells her he doesn't want to upset her and he changes the subject..how about that oil spill...
They talk a bit about world affairs and then Ruth asks Mike about his job. They chat about that for a bit...she seems to know who he is..
Next she asks him if he is going to move back to Westchester County...(welcome back Dick)...Mike explains that he has never lived in Westchester County. Ruth tells him ,"Of course you have, we all lived there. " Mike says," Mom , I am your son, I have never lived in Westchester County , that is where you lived with your family." She waves him off and says she knows who he is. She then says," Are you going to move back into the same apartment in Westchester County." Mike just says he never lived there...change of subject..
Ruth says Mike needs to go home and eat. Mike says he can stay and talk. She says no, he needs to get home..
On the way down the hall Mike is giving Ruth the continued pep talk about meeting people, helping people there,giving the place a chance. Ruth says she has met a man. Mike smiles and says," Errol?" Ruth says," Oh , you know about him." ..poor Errol, poor, poor Errol....
Mike tells he he just wants her to be happy...
Good night Ruth...You did good Mike
He called Ruth at 9 this morning and told her he was going to do the yard first thing today due to the heat and then if she would like he would come and visit her late in the afternoon. She said that made sense and she would see him later.
At 1 Mike went to retrieve the much needed golf balls for our Memorial Day Bash. He called me about 1:30 and said he had just talked with his Mom....he laughed... I said ," Oh no, what did she have to say?" He said she called him and said," Michael, the other Mike called me this morning and said he was coming to see me today . Do you know what time he is coming?" ...my turn to laugh at him.... He said," Mom, that was me that called." Ruth said, " No , it was the other Mike." Mike explained in detail his call that morning .Ruth said, " Oh,
O K but can you tell the family that I am not going to cook tonight ." Mike said,"Mom, of course you are not going to cook, you don't have a stove." Ruth said, " Um, whatever, I know they will be expecting me to cook but we can eat in the dining room if everyone wants." Mike says," Mom, I will see you later, how about 3:30." Ruth says that will be fine...
Mike leaves a little before 3 to visit his Mom....At 3:07 Ruth calls me . After the usual intro she says, " Teresa, where is all the family?"...I hesitate and say, ''What?'' Ruth anxiously says, " Where is all the family? They were supposed to be here by now?" I say, "Ruth, Mike talked to you at 1 today and told you he would be there at 3:30." She hurriedly says," Oh, I misunderstood, I am sorry." I said," No problem, Mike is actually on his way. Have a good time."
Mike was there for a couple of hours. She was headed out the door with her trusty Kroger Shopping Purse in hand when he arrived. They went back in and the whirlwind began.
It is too difficult to recreate exact conversations from someone else's story, especially one told by a man who is suffering from both a cigarette smoke headache and the fog that is a visit with Ruth so I will just hit some of the highlights.
As soon as he got there, Ruth's first order of business was to show Mike her medical report( been there and done that before). The next important item was her bill from Corinthians. Mike looked over both things and let her know they were in order. Her next thing was she wanted him to look at the menu for dinner. She said that the family may want to eat in the dining room. Mike said he was the only one coming. She said that the family was coming, all the kids. Mike asked who. Ruth said all those kids. Mike said that all of our kids lived in their own home and that he was sorry if he led her to think anyone else was coming.She says never mind...
Now she is ready for the kill...she has to get out of this place..she hates it here... she has so many options she doesn't know which one to choose...did she mention she hates it here...
Mike is much more patient now and he has learned the art of talking softly and in a more monotone voice to try to sooth her. He addresses each statement and is smart enough to ASK her what her options are(you go Mike)...She thinks for a minute and realizes she doesn't really have any...Mike tauts the great qualities of Corinthians... Ruth says the food is awful... Mike says maybe she should try to find things she likes...(Ain't gonna happen my love)...Ruth wants to know whose idea this whole thing was. Mike tells her all of ours. He tells her how sad he feels because she doesn't like it there...It doesn't help...That conversation continues for awhile..
Her next BIG deal is," does he know WHO BOUGHT THAT TV.." He says ,"Yes Mom, I bought the TV." Ruth rears up and says, "LIAR"...Mike says," Mom why would I lie about that?" She says ,''Terry keeps telling me the other Mike bought the T V." ...we're on the slippery slope now...Mike tries to explain , Ruth get really angry, Mike tries to calm her down, Ruth is not calming down..She belligerently adds," O K, tell me this..who bought the mattresses?" Mike quietly says," Mom, I bought them." Once again,"AH HA, I know you are lying. Teresa said her husband bought them." Mike says," Mom ,I am her husband. There is no other Mike. I am Mike your son and Teresa's husband. I don't know why that is so confusing for you but there is only me." She is livid...Mike is wrong...There are 2 Mikes...Mike just tells her he doesn't want to upset her and he changes the subject..how about that oil spill...
They talk a bit about world affairs and then Ruth asks Mike about his job. They chat about that for a bit...she seems to know who he is..
Next she asks him if he is going to move back to Westchester County...(welcome back Dick)...Mike explains that he has never lived in Westchester County. Ruth tells him ,"Of course you have, we all lived there. " Mike says," Mom , I am your son, I have never lived in Westchester County , that is where you lived with your family." She waves him off and says she knows who he is. She then says," Are you going to move back into the same apartment in Westchester County." Mike just says he never lived there...change of subject..
Ruth says Mike needs to go home and eat. Mike says he can stay and talk. She says no, he needs to get home..
On the way down the hall Mike is giving Ruth the continued pep talk about meeting people, helping people there,giving the place a chance. Ruth says she has met a man. Mike smiles and says," Errol?" Ruth says," Oh , you know about him." ..poor Errol, poor, poor Errol....
Mike tells he he just wants her to be happy...
Good night Ruth...You did good Mike
Friday, May 28, 2010
May 28
Ruth was definitely in an interesting frame of mind today. I had my busy day planned and thought I would visit with her for about an hour...it turned into 5 hours...so much for plans.
On the way over I stopped and got her yogurt and pudding. I also got her a little dress that she will hopefully slip on when leaving her room INSTEAD of parading around in her night gown. I figured it was worth a try. I picked her up a pair of white deerform slippers and a couple of new night gowns.
When I arrived I noticed Joyce eating ice cream . I said hi and asked how things were. She said," Oh she's been on a tear all day, all day." I smiled and said ," Do I need armor?" Joyce laughed and said," Maybe..."
Ruth opened the door and was SOOOOOO excited to see me, she said, " I was thinking about you." I said," Well, you thought me here." She laughed .... I showed her my bags of goodies. She is like a little kid getting gifts sometimes. She seemed to like everything, including the dress...we'll see....
She was so chatty today. We explored so many different universes and most of the time she seemed to know exactly what we were talking about. She is now zeroing in on different things in her life out of the clear blue. For some reason Scott seems to be on her mind a lot. I tell her she really needs to talk with Cindy about Scott as she knows a lot more about him.Next on her list is Jack...Jack's Mom Louise, Jack's brother Lyman , Jack's Dad George, Martine...she goes over and over the family relationships with Jacks peeps . She is most obsessed with Jacks Mom Louise today. Out of no where she asks if I knew Court. I say yes. She asks if I know he died. I say yes. She asks,"How did he die?' ...I am dead in the water...she is just staring at me. I look at her and say," Ruth, I really don't think we need to talk about this now." She says," Oh, so you don't know how he died." I say,"Well, yes I do. Ruth ,do you know how Rick died?'' She pauses for a minute and then quietly says," Yes, he committed suicide." I say,"Yes ,that is so hard ,isn't it..." We spent the next 30 minutes going over every detail of what happened. She even told me things I didn't know had happened. For all of these years, I think Ruth has bottled up how she felt and for some reason she chose today to talk about everything. She was not overwhelmed with sadness , she was just stating how she felt and what happened. I told her that she should always feel like she can talk about the good and bad things about Court. She seems to feel like she can do that now...dementia is so strange..After Court she was back to Jack and Lyman,seems like she dated Lyman first,which is how she met Jack. She told some fun stories about she and Jack ...she then went right back to how lousy he was...She was especially fretful about Claires drive this weekend as it is a holiday. She said it was a 2 hour drive. I nonchalantly said it was a one hour drive. She bowed up a little bit and said ,"No , it was 2 hours, she had just driven it." I laughed and said," Ruth honey, it was a 2 hour drive with you at 35 MPH but it is a one hour drive for normal people at 70 MPH>' That's right, I stuck my neck right out there. She turned around a looked at me and laughed while shaking her head and said," you are such a hoot, I'll bet you are right. So, will it only take Cindy 1 hour?" I said, " Yes maam. 1 hour from door to door." She said," Thank goodness, I won't worry as much."
Next topic..ERROL...too funny...she said she and Errol went for a couple of walks today. She said she still hasn't figured out where his room is. She said she met his lovely daughter Valerie. She said she made a couple of jokes because she didn't want Valerie to go back to her Mom and say she had met Erolls girlfriend. She added," I don't like people to talk like we are an item, I mean, if that happens then they can talk , I just want to let nature run its course." Isaid,"Are you afraid everyone will say...Ruth and Errol sitting in a tree?" She laughed out loud and said,"Yeah, something like that.You are too funny." We spend a lot of time on Errol..how he looks, acts, his hair patterns,possibilities for him being her'boyfriend', his age...on and on...it is just too much... My guess would be that Eroll is in his late 60's . Ruth said he is probably much younger than her but that doesn't matter...JUST TOO MUCH...
We talked a lot about genealogy..she was very interested today.
She looks at the clock and says it is after 6, the day has flown by. She says she has had such a busy day with the party to welcome new residents, all her work and our lovely visit. I tell her I need to get home to fix dinner. She dresses to walk me out. She runs into a lady at the mailboxes who can't figure out her keys. Ruth swoops in like a mother hen and shows her her pink tape and says she will take her to the front desk and get her keys fixed. I am out of the picture now. Ruth and her student of the keys are chatting away while walking to the front. I tell her I am leaving and that Mike will either call her or come by tomorrow, what ever she would like. She asks,"Who, who who who?" O K , she only said it once. I say,"Mike". She seems confused and says," You know, last Saturday I thought I was going to get a visit from my son Mike but this other guy showed up." ...SQUARE ONE AGAIN....I tell her that was her son Mike..She quickly says," Oh, I know, whatever is best for him. Just have him call me so I know what he wants to do." I say I will and tell her goodbye.She is off on her new mission to save all the confused key holders of the world.
I get to Target and she calls and says she only has 2 cigarettes. I ask if she can make it til the morning. She says no. I tell her I will come back. This means that she has smoked a carton in 5 days. I stop at CVS and buy her 3 cartons. I am a little aggravated because I had to go all the way back AFTER being there all afternoon. I decide I am being selfish so to ease my guilt I drive on down to KFC and get her some chicken. She is standing in the hall ,in her night gown BUT at least she has her lovely new "divine slippers on". She says she has been waiting forever. I show her the 3 cartons of cigarettes and her KFC. She coos like a dove. SHE LOVES ME>>SHE REALLY LOVES ME(Sally Field reference)... She HAS to write me a check for the cigs. I let her. I really don't want to pay for her cigs or beer. I rationalize it all out in my mind that we will pay for her food, etc and she can pay for her cigs and beer. I know, it is all the same...She wants me to stay...I sit down for a bit and then tell her I still need to go feed Mike. It is 7:45...she says she is so excited about her chicken and that it will take her an hour to eat it...I tell her to eat and enjoy and to have a good nights sleep. She says she will and that I am the best friend she has ever had.
Not one time, in the whole day did she complain about being at Corinthians. When I got back she said she had been working like a whore, thats right, not a horse, a whore. She said she had changed her sheets and remade her bed. I reminded her that Corinthians will do that for her. She said she knew but she wanted it to be especially nice for Claires visit. I say I understand. She says she will let me out...
Good night Ruth...
On the way over I stopped and got her yogurt and pudding. I also got her a little dress that she will hopefully slip on when leaving her room INSTEAD of parading around in her night gown. I figured it was worth a try. I picked her up a pair of white deerform slippers and a couple of new night gowns.
When I arrived I noticed Joyce eating ice cream . I said hi and asked how things were. She said," Oh she's been on a tear all day, all day." I smiled and said ," Do I need armor?" Joyce laughed and said," Maybe..."
Ruth opened the door and was SOOOOOO excited to see me, she said, " I was thinking about you." I said," Well, you thought me here." She laughed .... I showed her my bags of goodies. She is like a little kid getting gifts sometimes. She seemed to like everything, including the dress...we'll see....
She was so chatty today. We explored so many different universes and most of the time she seemed to know exactly what we were talking about. She is now zeroing in on different things in her life out of the clear blue. For some reason Scott seems to be on her mind a lot. I tell her she really needs to talk with Cindy about Scott as she knows a lot more about him.Next on her list is Jack...Jack's Mom Louise, Jack's brother Lyman , Jack's Dad George, Martine...she goes over and over the family relationships with Jacks peeps . She is most obsessed with Jacks Mom Louise today. Out of no where she asks if I knew Court. I say yes. She asks if I know he died. I say yes. She asks,"How did he die?' ...I am dead in the water...she is just staring at me. I look at her and say," Ruth, I really don't think we need to talk about this now." She says," Oh, so you don't know how he died." I say,"Well, yes I do. Ruth ,do you know how Rick died?'' She pauses for a minute and then quietly says," Yes, he committed suicide." I say,"Yes ,that is so hard ,isn't it..." We spent the next 30 minutes going over every detail of what happened. She even told me things I didn't know had happened. For all of these years, I think Ruth has bottled up how she felt and for some reason she chose today to talk about everything. She was not overwhelmed with sadness , she was just stating how she felt and what happened. I told her that she should always feel like she can talk about the good and bad things about Court. She seems to feel like she can do that now...dementia is so strange..After Court she was back to Jack and Lyman,seems like she dated Lyman first,which is how she met Jack. She told some fun stories about she and Jack ...she then went right back to how lousy he was...She was especially fretful about Claires drive this weekend as it is a holiday. She said it was a 2 hour drive. I nonchalantly said it was a one hour drive. She bowed up a little bit and said ,"No , it was 2 hours, she had just driven it." I laughed and said," Ruth honey, it was a 2 hour drive with you at 35 MPH but it is a one hour drive for normal people at 70 MPH>' That's right, I stuck my neck right out there. She turned around a looked at me and laughed while shaking her head and said," you are such a hoot, I'll bet you are right. So, will it only take Cindy 1 hour?" I said, " Yes maam. 1 hour from door to door." She said," Thank goodness, I won't worry as much."
Next topic..ERROL...too funny...she said she and Errol went for a couple of walks today. She said she still hasn't figured out where his room is. She said she met his lovely daughter Valerie. She said she made a couple of jokes because she didn't want Valerie to go back to her Mom and say she had met Erolls girlfriend. She added," I don't like people to talk like we are an item, I mean, if that happens then they can talk , I just want to let nature run its course." Isaid,"Are you afraid everyone will say...Ruth and Errol sitting in a tree?" She laughed out loud and said,"Yeah, something like that.You are too funny." We spend a lot of time on Errol..how he looks, acts, his hair patterns,possibilities for him being her'boyfriend', his age...on and on...it is just too much... My guess would be that Eroll is in his late 60's . Ruth said he is probably much younger than her but that doesn't matter...JUST TOO MUCH...
We talked a lot about genealogy..she was very interested today.
She looks at the clock and says it is after 6, the day has flown by. She says she has had such a busy day with the party to welcome new residents, all her work and our lovely visit. I tell her I need to get home to fix dinner. She dresses to walk me out. She runs into a lady at the mailboxes who can't figure out her keys. Ruth swoops in like a mother hen and shows her her pink tape and says she will take her to the front desk and get her keys fixed. I am out of the picture now. Ruth and her student of the keys are chatting away while walking to the front. I tell her I am leaving and that Mike will either call her or come by tomorrow, what ever she would like. She asks,"Who, who who who?" O K , she only said it once. I say,"Mike". She seems confused and says," You know, last Saturday I thought I was going to get a visit from my son Mike but this other guy showed up." ...SQUARE ONE AGAIN....I tell her that was her son Mike..She quickly says," Oh, I know, whatever is best for him. Just have him call me so I know what he wants to do." I say I will and tell her goodbye.She is off on her new mission to save all the confused key holders of the world.
I get to Target and she calls and says she only has 2 cigarettes. I ask if she can make it til the morning. She says no. I tell her I will come back. This means that she has smoked a carton in 5 days. I stop at CVS and buy her 3 cartons. I am a little aggravated because I had to go all the way back AFTER being there all afternoon. I decide I am being selfish so to ease my guilt I drive on down to KFC and get her some chicken. She is standing in the hall ,in her night gown BUT at least she has her lovely new "divine slippers on". She says she has been waiting forever. I show her the 3 cartons of cigarettes and her KFC. She coos like a dove. SHE LOVES ME>>SHE REALLY LOVES ME(Sally Field reference)... She HAS to write me a check for the cigs. I let her. I really don't want to pay for her cigs or beer. I rationalize it all out in my mind that we will pay for her food, etc and she can pay for her cigs and beer. I know, it is all the same...She wants me to stay...I sit down for a bit and then tell her I still need to go feed Mike. It is 7:45...she says she is so excited about her chicken and that it will take her an hour to eat it...I tell her to eat and enjoy and to have a good nights sleep. She says she will and that I am the best friend she has ever had.
Not one time, in the whole day did she complain about being at Corinthians. When I got back she said she had been working like a whore, thats right, not a horse, a whore. She said she had changed her sheets and remade her bed. I reminded her that Corinthians will do that for her. She said she knew but she wanted it to be especially nice for Claires visit. I say I understand. She says she will let me out...
Good night Ruth...
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