just keep hoping

We have tried to lay low this week with Ruth. It is a very difficult thing for us (Mike, Cindy, and I) to do. The powers that be at Corinthians keep telling me it will be better for Ruth for us to stop jumping at her command...she sure has commanding down to an art form...As always, our main desire is for Ruth to become more comfortable where she is. She is still fighting it tooth and nail but we are listening to her rants less. We try to divert her to another subject when she starts complaining.

This weeks goal is for her to either give in and eat the food provided for her at Corinthians(she has many choices there) or to get on 'that damn bus' and go to Kroger. The end result of this is that it is supposed to make her feel more independent , help her to get to know the other peeps there better ,and help her realize the costs of the type of constant care we have been providing since she moved. Michelle says that she will the feel so much better and will begin to settle in. ...here's hoping Michelle...

The amount of money that Ruth has cost in the last month has been unbelievable. Mike and I have spent more than $2100 in one month on her. The cost for Cindy to drive back and forth is major for her. On top of that Ruth has had $2290 transferred over from her savings to cover her extra expenses over the last 3 months... We are worried...It has quickly become time for the siblings to step in and help , at least with expenses. As much as we want to, Mike and I can not continue to be the only ones financially supporting Ruth. For more than 20 years Linda, Cokie, Mike and I have been paying money each month for Ruths care. In that time Ruth was able to put away a little bit of money in savings . In the last 8 or 9 months she has depleted most of that money and we are still not in the time that the most expensive part of her care has begun. Cindy has told me that everyone has so much they are dealing with ...welcome to the club...our lives are no less complicated and we can lead the pack when it comes to being treated poorly by Ruth over the years BUT she still has to be cared for.

The one thing I can say for sure is that Ruth is a broken little woman who feels abandoned by her family. We all know that her life has been her choice but she now lives in a side world that she believes she was an'exemplary' mother and that she stayed in close contact with her own siblings. She can not understand why she can not go and live with one of her children or her siblings(all deceased or in a care facility). She thinks she needs to get a job so she can afford to move wherever she wants. She is even complaining about not wanting to go back to college as she has done that enough. We deal with this same conversation at least 5 times in every visit. She continues to believe that there is nothing wrong with her and that we are all crazy to think she can not live anywhere she wants. She is trying to figure out how to get another car and how she will get her furniture back so that she can move back home with her many friends and family members.She has no idea , no matter how many times we try to gently tell her, that she can not live on her own any more. The sad truth is, she is not many steps from needing to be put in a lock down facility...

At the end of the day we simply feel guilty. We know this is not our fault and that we have very little control over the situation. We know that moving her anywhere is not what will be the magic bullet that will make her happy. Her idea of what made her so happy before is false. She did not live in that world that she has chosen to remember. She was unsafe in Arlington and driving everyone crazy. She needs more care than we can offer and she needs to be in a safe facility. Her place is lovely but it is still a retirement home. She doesn't think she is as old as everyone else there .

Our goals this week can only be met if we can pass the test and leave her alone. I think this is the hardest part yet. I know my Mama would have never left her mother or mother in law alone to fend for themselves ,even if it was in a place as lovely and accommodating as Corinthians.. Of course, they were the normal sweet, quiet grandmothers that you think you will end up with. As my Daddy always said,"In the end, you reap what you sow.'' It is so sad to me that Ruth is now in that place. How I wish that she could have kept all lines of communication open with her children and that she could now be calm enough to be welcomed in any of our homes to live out the rest of her life being cared for by all of us. I see her on a daily basis and I know that is beyond impossible. SOOOOO we continue to do the best we can. Our biggest worry is that Ruth is going to continue to escalate in her negative behaviours at Corinthians and they will ask us to move her...we will be dead in the water if that happens...

Hopefully she got on the bus today and went to Kroger to get what she wanted. Hopefully that will accomplish all the things Michelle said it will. Hopefully Ruth will settle in and try to enjoy her surroundings and the care she is getting..we just keep hoping...