My visit with Mom today was pretty typical.

As I walk through the front door, she is walking toward me from the hallway that leads from the dining room to the lobby. As is usual when she sees me initially, she isn't really sure it's me until I say Hi Mom and give her a hug. She hugs me back and tells me how happy she is to see me and how much she misses me. She begins to tell me how tired she is. This has been the normal for months. She's just so tired. She can't understand why she is so tired.

We get to her apt. and sit down and she asks me if she can get me anything. I say no thanks Mom, I'm good. She asks "Can I get you a beer." "Uh, no thanks Mom, it's 11:00 in the morning and I just had a cup of coffee." She asks if I'd like another cup; she can fix me one, again, no thank you Mom. She seems to want to do something for me so next visit, I think I'll ask for a glass of ice water. Hopefully that will satisfy her apparent need to do something for me.

She tells me that the ashtray on the table next to me is the one we have to use. I remind her that I don't smoke in her apt. as it is against the rules and when I want to smoke, I'll go outside.
She affirms that I'm not allowed to smoke in the apt. but that she does anyway. I'm not going to argue that she shouldn't.

After about 20 minutes of endlesss chatter: about what, I don't know. My brain just goes numb after the first 10 minutes as I know how this goes. Then she wants to know what I want to do.
I have learned not to suggest the game room. As much as she enjoyed playing scrabble with me in the last few years, she has no interest. She talks about how they play Bingo and how stupid it is. I remind her that the few times I have played Bingo I had fun. OK. Let's go smoke. I can't go wrong there.

I went to Kroger and got her the necessary TP, coffee mate, milk, peanutbutter and beer. Before I went, I told her that she was going to have to start planning for shopping and take the bus. She goes off about how they go other places that she doesn't want to go. I am so wanting to get her what she needs and go home that I don't argue with her. There is just no reasoning with her as she just doesn't get it. I will try, in these next two weeks, to remind her that I can't be there and she needs to learn to take the bus or be left with no cigs. or beer. She has to learn to get some independence here. I am resigned to the fact that if she won't do it for herself, she will just have to do without.

When I was telling her goodbye, I let her know that I was not going to be able to visit her next Sunday as I will be working 6 days this week. She seemed OK with that. I know she is not OK
with it, but it is what it is. But, the fact is I will not be going next Sunday.

I'm finally home. Soaking in sweat from an hour long drive with no AC in 100 degree heat.

45 minutes after I get home, she calls and asks me to come back as she is so lonely. I remind her that I just left and she tells me she understands and it's OK. I know now that she thought the lady who visited was the other Cindy. Then, just a few minutes later, she calls me back wanting my sisters phone number. I ask her which sister and she says the one who visited her today. I tell her that I am the one who visited her today and in her confused state, she tells me never mind. I am screeeewed no matter what.

This so sucks.

The only peace I have is in knowing that she is in a great place and they take good care of her.

I know that there is nothing we can do to make her happy. I'm finally getting it and I hate it. In all honesty, I hope God will take her home, and let her rest in peace.

This is no way for anyone to live.

I love you Mom.

Cindy