Sweet Claire

Needless to say, my standing in the Whelan family has never been anything that anyone would wish for . My first meeting with Ruth was after Rick had decided to tell her that Mike had called and told him that he was getting married. Mike had called Rick the week before we were going down to talk to Ruth and Jack to ask Rick to be sure Ruth would be home as Mike felt the best thing to do was to tell her in person. As with a lot of siblings, Rick promised Mike he would not tell and proceeded to spill the beans to Ruth. She hit the ceiling and said we would be wasting our time if we went to see her. We went any how...I believed after she met me, she would change her mind....NOT SO MUCH...she escalated into a mean tizzy as we tried to talk and for the first and last time in my life, I was disrespectful to an adult...I couldn't understand her stand...AT ALL...Oh to be 19 and so stupid again...Ruth said if we got married we were to never come back...we took the challenge...quickly afterwards I knew we had to repair the damage...Ruth is not so 'repairable'...

On our second visit to Ruth, Claire,Ruths twin sister, was there...She was delightful..she fussed over us and said how sweet I was...Ruth would not even respond to Claire's statements...she wasn't ready to make amends...As we left Claire hugged me and looked back at Ruth(to be sure Ruth heard her) and said, " I would be proud for you to be my daughter in law and call me Mom"...I will never forget the simple act of support that Claire offered me in that fragile time of my entry into the family. Thank you so much sweet Claire...

With Clarie's passing today,Ruth becomes the only surviving member of her family. We will not tell her about Claire. She has not talked with her in ages and actually thinks C C is Claire most of the time. I am sad for Ruth but she is in a place in her own mind where she thinks she is still living with her brothers and sisters a lot of the time.

Life continues to roll on....

Mom called twice this morning asking when I would be there again. There are things she needs from the grocery store. I remind her that it will be a week from Sun. I did not ask what she needs, I already know.

I called her tonight to make sure she is OK and she seems fine. Sober and hoping her friend Elouise comes to visit her. Not a word about Jack. My best guess is, no beer, no Jack. We will see.

Hoping she rests easy tonight.

C C Is a Lunatic

CC has cracked under the pressure...I know it may sound like she has cracked under the pressure of Ruth's beer guzzling ways so I will explain a little more about her last post....

CC has spent each of her visits with Ruth TRYING to make her understand her situation. She constantly tries the loving daughter Cindy approach but usually has to resort to the mean friend Cindy approach. Nothing she or Mike say seems to penetrate Ruth's brain deep enough to make any change. In less than 2 weeks Ruth has spent(her money and our money) more than $430 on beer and cigs...AND when I went over today there was not one beer in her fridge. When CC was over Sunday she left Ruth with 30 beers in the fridge and approx 25 pks of cigs(today she had 6 pks left). CC was very straightforward with Ruth and told her that she would NOT be back for 2 weeks so that had to last her that long. Ruth said..'O K.." Yesterday morning she called and said she needed to go to the store.."For stuff..." SOOOOOOO...once again she had gone through 30 beers in 2 days....oh what to do....

I talked to Ruth about 8 times between yesterday and today...she needed medicine for her tummy so I got her that, bread, milk, cheezits,and some activia yogurt. She was strangely pleasant today. She said she doesn't drink much and only shares a couple of her beers with Jack. I tried to help her understand about how concerned everyone is that she not be taken advantage of. She said Jack is a very nice man and would never take advantage of her...BALONEY!!!!... Our visit was upbeat most of the time ...it's a lot easier for me than for CC and Mike as I am the good cop...While she is literally driving us to drink with all the beer that is being bought, she is much more calm about being at Corinthians...She also seems to be in more of a fog sometimes but she seems eerily coherent ...It is just so darn confusing for us...

CC, the debit card thief(I am still laughing about that little trick play) made the exact right move by confiscating that card. I am watching the account to be sure Ruth doesn't write Jack a check. She didn't ask me for beer today so I feel strongly that she already had a plan in motion to obtain her beer.

All in all, we are actually in a better place with Ruth right now, we just have to stop the endless flow of beer and cigs somehow....

So you see, CC is not a lunatic(well spoken by her lunatic cohort)...she is simply at her wits end with driving 2 hours in a hot car to try to help Ruth find her safe, happy place AND Ruth not listening to a thing any of us say....

I AM WITH YOU CC...I PLEDGE TO NOT BUY HER ANY MORE BEER(you may have to steal the check books next though...)

This has to stop NOW. No more beer, only the Busch non-alcohol. Cigs, only 1 pack a day. I confiscated her bank card Sunday so she could not give it to her neighbor to use to buy them beer and cigs. I felt guilty about doing that but know that I did the right thing.

We know that she is supplying her next door idiot; Jack, with beer and cigs. I am totally amazed that she seems to have such a "crush" on this guy. He is one the last people on earth I would think she would connect with. He's just icky. Dirty, gross, feet so nasty; scaley, dirty OMG. Just nasty. She seems to have a crush on him. I cannot begin to imagine what it is she sees in him. There is something just so not right in this relationship. I know that she sees him as a good friend as we talked about him Sun. when I was there. She seems to think that they have been good friends for a long time. When I reminded her that she has only been there a couple of months, she tells me she has been there for at least 6 months and has known Jack for a long time. I think she thinks of him as her boyfriend. I don't know.

What I do know is that Mike and Teresa would agree, we need to quit bringing her beer. Her mind is F'd up enough. The beer only adds to her confusion.

We have been trying so hard to make her comfortable and let her live her life her way. Her way no longer works. Not for her, and certainly not for us. She needs to be where she is and learn that her options are limited. NO MORE BEER. Teresa, we need to be together on this and I have no doubt that we will be. The only beer I will get for her is the no alchol beer.

We have to learn from our mistakes. I think I have. As difficult as it is to parent your parent, it's time for us to teach her that she cannot dictate to us what she wants. I know that we will continue to care for Mom. I think at this point we need to only take care of her needs and beer is not a necessity.

I promise to not buy her any more beer. It is in her best interest. I will get her the no alcohol beer but not the Bud she so loves.

I do not know how she will take it when I visit and she asks me to buy beer and I bring her the no alcohol beer. And I don't care. I just do not care. She needs to get sober. Will she fight us, I'm sure she will. Will she hate me, I'm sure she will. I do not care, this has to stop.

HMMMMM

We live in a constant world of trying to figure out...what to do...what to do....what to do....

Mike was on vacation last week so he took over the care of Ruth...what a fun vacation ....She ran him ragged..."we need beer"..."we need more beer"..."bring us beer"...After 3 cases(that's 24 each case) of beer in 4 days he finally had had enough and told her he wasn't bringing any more when she called on Saturday...no worries, she called again on Sunday like he had never said a word about bringing no more. He didn't bite...he didn't take it. Somehow, she got her beer so she stopped calling.


One of the sad things about the situation is that he thought he had made her understand her situation(silly boy) on one of his many beer and cigarette runs last week. She told him she wanted him to handle all her finances and she would do whatever he told her. She just didn't want the girls involved( not quite sure who that means..could be Cindy..could be Claire..could be Cindy, Cindy...could be Teresa...could be Terry...heck, it could even be Cindy, Linda , and the Tall Girl) Any how, Mike thought he had made progress UNTIL she called him less than 24 hours after his last delivery of 24 beers and said she needed more. He told her that he had just explained to her that she couldn't keep doing this and it was all down hill from there..."You have no right telling me what I can do, it is none of your business.I can do whatever I want. I have plenty of money..etc" Oh well , welcome to our world my love....


Monday morning Mike called Ruth to let her know that I was looking at a house with Heather and then I would come and take her to the store. She said that was so sweet but that she had handled it and that her daughter would be off tomorrow and was coming up....HUH?!?!?!...C C's coming up on Tuesday..I don't think so...Called C C...she's not coming up , she is working, she's already explained that to Ruth..probably about 10 times if I was guessing...


Monday night...she neeeeeeedddddsssss beer.


At 4 on Tuesday I finally get my call...."Hi honey, it's Ruth. We've taken up a collection and need someone to pick us up some beer. Could you possibly help us out?"....
"I will be over in a bit but don't you need to go to the grocery store..."
"Oh no, I went on that bus...that will never happen again...it was awful...we just need beer"...
"O K, what do you want me to get and do you need anything else?" ...
"You are so sweet...a 12 pk of Bud..."


So, once again, I am off to do the very thing that we have put our foot down and said we would NOT do anymore...off for more beer( I'll at least pick up her forgotten eyedrops and tic tacs so that I can say it wasn't just for beer)


I talk to Carla to find out if she knows if Ruth bought beer this morning...she says that she did buy a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes....YIKES...


She is sooo happy to see me( and her beer)..she can't believe I brought her eyedrops....there is not one beer in her fridge.


She is more pleasant than normal today...she doesn't seem tipsy...she wants to go down to eat...the food is lousy but the dessert is good...she is very polite to the server...she is very sweet to me...she is loopier than ever but she is pretty calm .


Jack ( who I think is one of the main beer and cig culprits) asks her if I am her daughter...she actually turns around and says,"No this is my daughter in law, she is married to my son Michael." ...I look around for Christ as I am sure it must be time for the Second Coming ...She has NEVER said I was her daughter in law....On one hand she seems to be more coherent and on 10 other hands she seems more confused...honestly, we just can't keep up...


Here's what I know...she thinks she is some young woman who is entertaining the young men at the apartment...she said they are all about 30( the men who live at the retirement home)...I just nod...She can not be controlled as she believes she is totally well and has plenty of money. She thinks everyone there just' loves ' her. I am so sad as I see how the people really look at her when she walks by. While she thinks she is some kind of social director, others see her as the town drunk. I simply do not know what to do. Today, she told me that she does not consider beer to be alcohol and that it doesn't affect her(tell that to the paramedics who had to pick her drunk fanny up off the floor)...She says she can take or leave it.....

I just want her to be happy.


Lindsey called today as I was on my way for another beer run(can anyone explain how it happened that the Mormon Mom is buying case after case of beer and carton after carton of cigarettes).She laughed and asked if I was the good parent who was buying beer for the kids...that is exactly how I feel, like the good(lousy) parent who is supplying my kids with alcohol....


We are probably not even to the bad days yet....as C C says.."Jesus Take The Wheel"...cause these mere mortals sure can't figure out what to do....

Oh my God. Mom is so, so gone.
Why is it taking us so long to realize this simple fact. I think we finally got it. I don't know. This is so difficult as we just want what is best for her.
We want her to be comfortable and happy. Sadly, we don't know how to make that happen.

Mom called me today and left a message that she needed me to bring her beer tomorrow. I knew that Mike had visited her yesterday and had taken her the things she needed including beer, so I called Teresa to get confirmation. She told me that Mike had bought a case of beer for her and told her that she needs to make it last at least a week. Apparently, she has drunk A CASE of beer in two days. She drank a case of beer in two days? I told Teresa that there was no way. She would not be able to do that. Teresa said that in a recent visit, Mom drank 5.5 beers in a 2 hour visit.

I will not get her anymore beer.

I am so close to not even visiting as it's expensive and she doesn't even know that I was there.
But, I can't leave Teresa holding the bag. And I won't. I will continue to visit Mom as difficult as it is.

Teresa, I appreciate you more than you know.

And I still can't believe you are being so good to Mom.

Not a good day. I have been fighting with myself for months about whether or not to tell Mom that she has dementia. I so want to reason with her and help her understand why she is feeling the way she feels. She is so frustrated and confused every time I talk with her. I never know who she thinks she is talking to, and neither does she. I decided that today would be the day that I will try to explain to her why she is feeling the way she does.

I began by asking what she spent over $100.00 on at Kroger the other day. She said she didn't remember what she bought, cigs. groceries. I said "Mom, there are no groceries in your fridge. A carton of cigs is $60.00. Did you buy something for someone else?" She doesn't remember but she does know that it's none of my business. I asked about the three beers in her fridge: they were 16 oz beers, not the usual 12 oz beer she normally buys. She gave me some story about how they were easier to bring home. Nope. I know my mother. When she shops and buys beer it is always the 12 pack of 12oz Bud.

She asked me how I knew about her purchase and I told her Teresa had called and asked me if I knew what she bought. She was way pissed off that Teresa knew anything about her finances. I told her that Mike gets the info online and she thinks it's for Mike's eyes only. And he is the only one who has access to her checking account. OK.

In a nutshell, I told her that I needed to talk to her and that this would be a difficult and uncomfortable conversation. She asked; "What." I said "Mom, the Dr. told you that you don't have Alzheimer's. But, he told us that what you do have is dementia." OMG. She went off. "Who the hell do you think you are." "Mom, I am your daughter and I love you and just want what is best for you." At this point, she thinks I'm the nut. She just doesn't get it and obviously, I don't have a clue.

She then decided to turn on the TV. She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't talk with me.

After about 20 minutes of her refusal to talk with me, I said, " Well, I guess you don't want to talk to me so I'll just go home." She said yes. As I was walking out the door she was mumbling something about me not having a key.

I'm going to call her in a minute to see how she's doing. Who will I be?

Apparently, she remembered that it was me who pissed her off. She told me her day was fine but she had to go as there were things she needed to get done. OK. That is her way of not dealing with a situation.

Usually, after a Sunday visit she calls to ask me to visit her. Not today.

I have no idea. I am so lost with this situation.