Today wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I told her yesterday that I wanted to have lunch with her in the dining room. She happily agreed. Huh?? Am I going to make a little headway and get her to actually eat in the dining room?? What was I thinking. Of course not. The food there is awful according to her and she did not even let them put a plate in front of her. Not the soup, not the salad, not the diner and not even the piping hot peach and apple cobbler (yum)
Prior to lunch being served, there was a very small, but nice tribute to our military.
During this tribute Mom had to go back to her room. Then she came back, sat down for awhile. Long story short, she went home and came back 4 or 5 times all within an hour and a half.


I thought she would go off about her visit with Mike (Dick) but she didn't. Instead, she asked me if I knew that the T.V. doesn't belong to Corinthians, Mike bought it for her. I said yes, I do know. Then she asked me if I knew that Mike bought her the bed. I again said yes, I know that Mike bought her the bed.

Here we go; "How do you know Mike?" I tell her again, for the umpteenth time that he is my brother. I say " Mom, he's my brother, my only living brother." I added that fact thinking she might want to talk about Court with me as she had wanted to talk with Teresa about him yesterday. Guess not. She didn't even mention Court.

Today I brought a photo album with pics that are 20 plus years old. There were pics of Court, Lee and little Court, including shots of Mom with Court and little Court, Mike and Teresa's family, my ex-husband, me pregnant with my now 24 year old son , Linda, Scott and Tracy.

A couple of pics were of Mom at her job as the social director for the apt. complex she worked at and showed her with Jack. No, not Jack her ex, Jack the man she dated for a long time. In this case, there really are two Jack's. But, she did not remember him. I reminded her how she met him and how much she, and we liked him. She wasn't really interested. I don't think she remembers him at all. At least not today.

She wanted to know what I was going to do with the album. I said I'll leave it here for awhile because I thought Mike and Teresa might like to see some of the pics and I'll take it home later.
She wanted to know where to keep it. I suggested she just put it on the chair so she wouldn't forget to let Teresa see it. She did.

She talked again about the fact that she hates it there. She asks me what I think. I tell her, again, that I would love it. I say "Mom, are you kidding me. You don't have to plan meals, shop, cook or clean up afterwards. It's all done for you. You go to the dining room and they serve you, or if you prefer, you can let them know what you want and they will bring it to your apt. They come in and clean your room. What I wouldn't give." She goes back to hating the food. I remind her AGAIN that she can order whatever she wants and again, she knows. She just doesn't do it.
I'm beginning to think she's happier just to have something to bitch about. Kind of like a little kid telling mommy that he doesn't want to stay in school and needs to find a reason for mommy to let him stay home.

She again talks about where she will go when she does get out of here. She talks again about getting a job. She tells me that Mike told her yesterday that she can't get a job and I tell her that he is right. I remind her that I am looking for a job and that the job market sucks, the economy sucks and that at 53, I'm having a hard time. I remind her that at 83, nobody is going to hire her not only because of her age but that she has no way to get to a job. She understands, for now. I'm sure I will be going over this same subject with her again next week.

I keep hoping that this will all get better for her and while I am with her I continue to encourage her to get out and meet people.

Please, please, find some happiness and peace.

Goodnight Mom.
Love,
Cindy

May 29...Oh Ruth

O K....today was Mikes day but since he would never record on the blog I will try to recap his fun times....

He called Ruth at 9 this morning and told her he was going to do the yard first thing today due to the heat and then if she would like he would come and visit her late in the afternoon. She said that made sense and she would see him later.

At 1 Mike went to retrieve the much needed golf balls for our Memorial Day Bash. He called me about 1:30 and said he had just talked with his Mom....he laughed... I said ," Oh no, what did she have to say?" He said she called him and said," Michael, the other Mike called me this morning and said he was coming to see me today . Do you know what time he is coming?" ...my turn to laugh at him.... He said," Mom, that was me that called." Ruth said, " No , it was the other Mike." Mike explained in detail his call that morning .Ruth said, " Oh,
O K but can you tell the family that I am not going to cook tonight ." Mike said,"Mom, of course you are not going to cook, you don't have a stove." Ruth said, " Um, whatever, I know they will be expecting me to cook but we can eat in the dining room if everyone wants." Mike says," Mom, I will see you later, how about 3:30." Ruth says that will be fine...

Mike leaves a little before 3 to visit his Mom....At 3:07 Ruth calls me . After the usual intro she says, " Teresa, where is all the family?"...I hesitate and say, ''What?'' Ruth anxiously says, " Where is all the family? They were supposed to be here by now?" I say, "Ruth, Mike talked to you at 1 today and told you he would be there at 3:30." She hurriedly says," Oh, I misunderstood, I am sorry." I said," No problem, Mike is actually on his way. Have a good time."

Mike was there for a couple of hours. She was headed out the door with her trusty Kroger Shopping Purse in hand when he arrived. They went back in and the whirlwind began.

It is too difficult to recreate exact conversations from someone else's story, especially one told by a man who is suffering from both a cigarette smoke headache and the fog that is a visit with Ruth so I will just hit some of the highlights.

As soon as he got there, Ruth's first order of business was to show Mike her medical report( been there and done that before). The next important item was her bill from Corinthians. Mike looked over both things and let her know they were in order. Her next thing was she wanted him to look at the menu for dinner. She said that the family may want to eat in the dining room. Mike said he was the only one coming. She said that the family was coming, all the kids. Mike asked who. Ruth said all those kids. Mike said that all of our kids lived in their own home and that he was sorry if he led her to think anyone else was coming.She says never mind...

Now she is ready for the kill...she has to get out of this place..she hates it here... she has so many options she doesn't know which one to choose...did she mention she hates it here...
Mike is much more patient now and he has learned the art of talking softly and in a more monotone voice to try to sooth her. He addresses each statement and is smart enough to ASK her what her options are(you go Mike)...She thinks for a minute and realizes she doesn't really have any...Mike tauts the great qualities of Corinthians... Ruth says the food is awful... Mike says maybe she should try to find things she likes...(Ain't gonna happen my love)...Ruth wants to know whose idea this whole thing was. Mike tells her all of ours. He tells her how sad he feels because she doesn't like it there...It doesn't help...That conversation continues for awhile..

Her next BIG deal is," does he know WHO BOUGHT THAT TV.." He says ,"Yes Mom, I bought the TV." Ruth rears up and says, "LIAR"...Mike says," Mom why would I lie about that?" She says ,''Terry keeps telling me the other Mike bought the T V." ...we're on the slippery slope now...Mike tries to explain , Ruth get really angry, Mike tries to calm her down, Ruth is not calming down..She belligerently adds," O K, tell me this..who bought the mattresses?" Mike quietly says," Mom, I bought them." Once again,"AH HA, I know you are lying. Teresa said her husband bought them." Mike says," Mom ,I am her husband. There is no other Mike. I am Mike your son and Teresa's husband. I don't know why that is so confusing for you but there is only me." She is livid...Mike is wrong...There are 2 Mikes...Mike just tells her he doesn't want to upset her and he changes the subject..how about that oil spill...

They talk a bit about world affairs and then Ruth asks Mike about his job. They chat about that for a bit...she seems to know who he is..

Next she asks him if he is going to move back to Westchester County...(welcome back Dick)...Mike explains that he has never lived in Westchester County. Ruth tells him ,"Of course you have, we all lived there. " Mike says," Mom , I am your son, I have never lived in Westchester County , that is where you lived with your family." She waves him off and says she knows who he is. She then says," Are you going to move back into the same apartment in Westchester County." Mike just says he never lived there...change of subject..

Ruth says Mike needs to go home and eat. Mike says he can stay and talk. She says no, he needs to get home..

On the way down the hall Mike is giving Ruth the continued pep talk about meeting people, helping people there,giving the place a chance. Ruth says she has met a man. Mike smiles and says," Errol?" Ruth says," Oh , you know about him." ..poor Errol, poor, poor Errol....
Mike tells he he just wants her to be happy...
Good night Ruth...You did good Mike

May 28

Ruth was definitely in an interesting frame of mind today. I had my busy day planned and thought I would visit with her for about an hour...it turned into 5 hours...so much for plans.

On the way over I stopped and got her yogurt and pudding. I also got her a little dress that she will hopefully slip on when leaving her room INSTEAD of parading around in her night gown. I figured it was worth a try. I picked her up a pair of white deerform slippers and a couple of new night gowns.
When I arrived I noticed Joyce eating ice cream . I said hi and asked how things were. She said," Oh she's been on a tear all day, all day." I smiled and said ," Do I need armor?" Joyce laughed and said," Maybe..."
Ruth opened the door and was SOOOOOO excited to see me, she said, " I was thinking about you." I said," Well, you thought me here." She laughed .... I showed her my bags of goodies. She is like a little kid getting gifts sometimes. She seemed to like everything, including the dress...we'll see....
She was so chatty today. We explored so many different universes and most of the time she seemed to know exactly what we were talking about. She is now zeroing in on different things in her life out of the clear blue. For some reason Scott seems to be on her mind a lot. I tell her she really needs to talk with Cindy about Scott as she knows a lot more about him.Next on her list is Jack...Jack's Mom Louise, Jack's brother Lyman , Jack's Dad George, Martine...she goes over and over the family relationships with Jacks peeps . She is most obsessed with Jacks Mom Louise today. Out of no where she asks if I knew Court. I say yes. She asks if I know he died. I say yes. She asks,"How did he die?' ...I am dead in the water...she is just staring at me. I look at her and say," Ruth, I really don't think we need to talk about this now." She says," Oh, so you don't know how he died." I say,"Well, yes I do. Ruth ,do you know how Rick died?'' She pauses for a minute and then quietly says," Yes, he committed suicide." I say,"Yes ,that is so hard ,isn't it..." We spent the next 30 minutes going over every detail of what happened. She even told me things I didn't know had happened. For all of these years, I think Ruth has bottled up how she felt and for some reason she chose today to talk about everything. She was not overwhelmed with sadness , she was just stating how she felt and what happened. I told her that she should always feel like she can talk about the good and bad things about Court. She seems to feel like she can do that now...dementia is so strange..After Court she was back to Jack and Lyman,seems like she dated Lyman first,which is how she met Jack. She told some fun stories about she and Jack ...she then went right back to how lousy he was...She was especially fretful about Claires drive this weekend as it is a holiday. She said it was a 2 hour drive. I nonchalantly said it was a one hour drive. She bowed up a little bit and said ,"No , it was 2 hours, she had just driven it." I laughed and said," Ruth honey, it was a 2 hour drive with you at 35 MPH but it is a one hour drive for normal people at 70 MPH>' That's right, I stuck my neck right out there. She turned around a looked at me and laughed while shaking her head and said," you are such a hoot, I'll bet you are right. So, will it only take Cindy 1 hour?" I said, " Yes maam. 1 hour from door to door." She said," Thank goodness, I won't worry as much."
Next topic..ERROL...too funny...she said she and Errol went for a couple of walks today. She said she still hasn't figured out where his room is. She said she met his lovely daughter Valerie. She said she made a couple of jokes because she didn't want Valerie to go back to her Mom and say she had met Erolls girlfriend. She added," I don't like people to talk like we are an item, I mean, if that happens then they can talk , I just want to let nature run its course." Isaid,"Are you afraid everyone will say...Ruth and Errol sitting in a tree?" She laughed out loud and said,"Yeah, something like that.You are too funny." We spend a lot of time on Errol..how he looks, acts, his hair patterns,possibilities for him being her'boyfriend', his age...on and on...it is just too much... My guess would be that Eroll is in his late 60's . Ruth said he is probably much younger than her but that doesn't matter...JUST TOO MUCH...

We talked a lot about genealogy..she was very interested today.

She looks at the clock and says it is after 6, the day has flown by. She says she has had such a busy day with the party to welcome new residents, all her work and our lovely visit. I tell her I need to get home to fix dinner. She dresses to walk me out. She runs into a lady at the mailboxes who can't figure out her keys. Ruth swoops in like a mother hen and shows her her pink tape and says she will take her to the front desk and get her keys fixed. I am out of the picture now. Ruth and her student of the keys are chatting away while walking to the front. I tell her I am leaving and that Mike will either call her or come by tomorrow, what ever she would like. She asks,"Who, who who who?" O K , she only said it once. I say,"Mike". She seems confused and says," You know, last Saturday I thought I was going to get a visit from my son Mike but this other guy showed up." ...SQUARE ONE AGAIN....I tell her that was her son Mike..She quickly says," Oh, I know, whatever is best for him. Just have him call me so I know what he wants to do." I say I will and tell her goodbye.She is off on her new mission to save all the confused key holders of the world.

I get to Target and she calls and says she only has 2 cigarettes. I ask if she can make it til the morning. She says no. I tell her I will come back. This means that she has smoked a carton in 5 days. I stop at CVS and buy her 3 cartons. I am a little aggravated because I had to go all the way back AFTER being there all afternoon. I decide I am being selfish so to ease my guilt I drive on down to KFC and get her some chicken. She is standing in the hall ,in her night gown BUT at least she has her lovely new "divine slippers on". She says she has been waiting forever. I show her the 3 cartons of cigarettes and her KFC. She coos like a dove. SHE LOVES ME>>SHE REALLY LOVES ME(Sally Field reference)... She HAS to write me a check for the cigs. I let her. I really don't want to pay for her cigs or beer. I rationalize it all out in my mind that we will pay for her food, etc and she can pay for her cigs and beer. I know, it is all the same...She wants me to stay...I sit down for a bit and then tell her I still need to go feed Mike. It is 7:45...she says she is so excited about her chicken and that it will take her an hour to eat it...I tell her to eat and enjoy and to have a good nights sleep. She says she will and that I am the best friend she has ever had.
Not one time, in the whole day did she complain about being at Corinthians. When I got back she said she had been working like a whore, thats right, not a horse, a whore. She said she had changed her sheets and remade her bed. I reminded her that Corinthians will do that for her. She said she knew but she wanted it to be especially nice for Claires visit. I say I understand. She says she will let me out...
Good night Ruth...

May 27...Ruth, Ruth, Ruth

It is difficult to keep up with Ruth's shenanigans these days. It is like dealing with a rebellious 2 yr old. We are at a loss as to what to do ....

Monday was quiet...I worried...

Mike came home early Tuesday so I could visit with Ruth. I should have stayed home. I arrive with my usual fare, shrimp, yogurt, pudding, cocktail sauce, and the needed eye drops...She is glad to see me , appreciates the food, wrong eye drops...She is trying to zip her bathrobe and wonders if I can try to do it for her. I zip it right up.She can't believe it as only a few select people can zip it....it's just a simple zipper but Ruth can not manage it anymore. She keeps going back to how thankful she is that I could zip her robe throughout the entire visit. Her T V is NOT WORKING AGAIN( it is user error but she thinks its the "damn TV")...soooo glad we bought her a brand new flat screen...After her tirade about the T V she launches into her bodily function problems...HELP!!!!...So much too much information... She doesn't feel well, has a stomach ache...She is mopey and extremely whiny. I think she seems defeated today. We chat for about an hour and she says she has got to go to the desk to get them to fix her T V and to get her carpet cleaned due to said bodily function issues. I tell her she can walk me out . As soon as we get out the door she asks where we are going. I tell her she wanted to go to the front desk. We pitter patter on up there and she leans over the desk and asks Dominique how she is doing. Dominique says she is great and asks Ruth how she is doing. Ruth says she is just lovely and cuts her eyes over at me so that she is sure that I understand her sarcasm. She proceeds to tell Dominique that she needs her carpet cleaned as she had an accident. Dominique is very pleasant(as always) and says she will put in a work order for the next day and asks Ruth what she got on the carpet. Ruth looks at her and says," None of your damn business." Dominique looks a little stunned. Ruth looks at me and says," I know you want to hit me." I laugh and say that I absolutely do not...that might have been a little bit of a lie ...Ruth then tells Dominique that she wants her to get someone to come and take her damn T V out and take it back . She says she will have to just beg or borrow another T V. Dominique reminds Ruth that she had just fixed the T V so she could watch Dr Phil...I am just standing there like a mute dummy.. Ruth is chattering away about something. Dominique says she will go back AGAIN and put the T V on the right channel. Ruth is wearing everyone out with the T V issues. I tell Ruth I will see her when I get my Van back...Ruth calls as soon as I get home to let me know how much she appreciates all I do and to say she wishes I had just stayed longer...

Wednesday is totally quiet.. We pick up the Tahoe at 7 PM....

Thursday is still quiet...I go to see Ruth at 3...When I walk in I ask Carla how things are going...not so good...It seems like Ms Ruth has decided to mingle more..It seems like she has decided to come out of her room at meal time...That SHOULD be a great thing...not so much... Carla says that Ruth has been very agitated. She says she comes to the dining room in her night gown and they have to remind her she needs to come dressed. Carla said that Ruth is refusing to eat but she is wandering from table to table bothering people. When she is asked to sit down to eat she says she doesn't have to eat that food as she has shrimp cocktail and beer in her room. Today she arrived for lunch and sat in a spot that another lady always sits in. She was asked to move by the ladies lunch companions and by the lady AND by the staff but she refused. Carla said she saw Ruth's mean side today. The lady left the dining room and asked for her meal to be sent to her room. Ruth called the other lady at the table a bitch but she stayed right where she was, as did Mary, the lady she called a bitch....so sad I missed all of that... I asked Carla if Ruth was in her room. Carla rolled her eyes and said she had been down asking about the Bible Study group so she may be there...Carla added,"good luck." I laughed... nervously..
I met Ruth at the elevator. I am not sure if she knew who I was. She said she was trying to find the Bible Study Class and Pat walks up about the same time. She asks Pat where it is. Pat smiles and says," I told you it was upstairs ." Ruth goes into how hot the elevator is and how she got off of it . Pat says she can walk up the stairs. Ruth says no. Pat laughs and walks away. Ruth asks her why said she said she ''told her it was upstairs''. Pat said because she asked her 2 minutes before. Ruth said she forgot. We get on the elevator and get off in front of the Bible Study group. Ruth doesn't want to walk in as she says they will all want to talk to her. I suggest we sit on the couch outside the door. They are having a full fledged come to Jesus meeting and Ruth wants to sit right outside the door and chat, loudly. There are just no boundaries for Ruth now. She tells me about her 'dining room' experience and says that they are messing with the wrong person as no one will tell her she has to move... I just nod and stare... The Bible Study peeps are interrupting her train of thought so she says she is ready to go and that it is nice that they pray for people but that this is not 'her' group.
On the way back to her room she stops people we pass to ask them if the heard what went on in the dining room. They say they did. Ruth gives her point of view. Like me, they nod and stare. We run into Joyce(oh me oh my)...Joyce is on her side and says there are no reservations. Ruth's ears perk up as she realizes she has an ally. She says that the superior(Mike figured out that she must be referring to the Mother Superior from Ruths boarding school days) came out and said the same thing so she won that round. Joyce explains how it used to work there as everyone had assigned tables but the new owners changed that. She added info about several of the guests. Ruth was in hog heaven. Joyce explained that Ruth could always sit with her( BAD IDEA) or sit at the second table. Ruth said she should be able to sit wherever she wants if she gets there first and walks off. I tell Joyce ,"thank you". Joyce says," we'll keep trying, everytime she walks away the workers say she is making them crazy." I sigh and say, "I know."
We get back to the room. Ruth tells me Errol has FIXED her T V... I love you Errol...He actually gave her his phone number and room number so hopefully he will be able to keep her in T V land. She is all over the place in her conversation today. She talks about Mikes job, Claire's impending job change and move, Jack, Scott, Tracey, Linda and the lousy food at Corinthians. I am taken aback by some of her comments and try to correct some of the things she is off base about. I don't know why I feel the need to do that as I am sure not the chosen spokesperson for any of the family members and she won't remember what I said in an hour. She is unusually busy today..up and down and up and down..After a couple of hours she stands and says she has to go. I don't get up immediately as I am not sure she means it. She looks at me and says,"Come on, we have to go." I say great and ask where we are going. She says," I am so busy. I have a lot of organizing to do. I need to get to work." I follow her out. We hear Doc singing in the dining room. She says she forgot he was singing today. We arrive at the dining room and she says she wants to sit in the back so Doc won't mention that she is there...We sit at 2 of the stools at the bar. She leans over and tells Lena,who is sitting on her walker in front of her to move over. Lena gives Ruth the death look , stands, scoots her walker over and sits down. I am stunned. Doc starts singing. I tell Ruth to enjoy the music and that I have to go. She grabs a hold of my hand and says she understands and that she will miss me . She also says she appreciates me coming to see her. Pat follows me out. I tell her I don't know what to say about Ruth's actions. She says she knows and that she will be fine.

Wow. Apparently Mom is not making friends and being a social butterfly as I had hoped. She is becoming very adept at pissing people off.

There are no seating arrangements at Corinthians for meals but just like any other social setting;
think school here, people who are friends like to sit together for their meals. Well, after all of our coaxing for Mom to go to the dining room so she might not only eat better but to try and make friends, today she went to the dining room for lunch. She neither ate or made friends. She did however manage to piss some people off. Apparently, she sat in someone elses "regular seat" and when that someone else wanted her to move she got very aggrivated saying there are no seating arrangements and she could sit wherever the hell she wants.

We think she may be re-living her years spent in the private Catholic schools she grew up in and apparently hated.

Oh Mom. Please don't anger these people. You need to try to make some friends. We cannot be there for you 24-7 and these people are. Can't you try to get along.

OK, wishfull thinking.

There is a part of me that thinks she is trying to sabbotage us. She hates this place and a part of me thinks that if she can get herself kicked out she can come back to Arlington and live with me.

I am going to have to get into a very disciplinary mode with Mom when I see her Sunday. I hate when that happens but it will be OK because when she does get mad at me, I become the "Other Cindy". I seem the only one who can make her mad and then be forgiven.


I will try to make her understand, in the most elementary of terms, that she needs to respect the other residents and try to understand that if she had a table that she sat at with her friends and someone intruded on her seat, how she would feel. I know, well, I think I know, she would tell me she wouldn't let that happen.

Mom doesn't tell me these things that have happened when I talk with her on the phone. I get my best info from Teresa who has really taken over the primary role of Mom's caretaker. She visits daily and spends ENDLESS hours with Mom. I can't hardly stand 3 hours with Mom and Teresa has gone to visit her everyday spending hours with her.

I don't know how Teresa does this. I just know that she does and it is nothing short of a miracle for me as I could not do this without her. Teresa, you have been a Godsend and I appreciate you more that you know.

MAY 20-23

On Thursday I talk with Ruth 2 times,one time I call her, one time she calls me...She seems O K today so I will stay home tonight and finish Haylees quilt . I worry about not going to see her but I know I have got to leave her alone if she is OK.

Friday is totally quiet, no calls. Mike calls her to check on her after he gets home. Again, she seems O K but she is confused about who Mike is.He tells her he will visit on Sat morning instead of the 'usual' 9 A M call. She hesitates but says that will be good. She launches into her usual desire to get out of where she is. Mike says they will try to work things out tomorrow. Thirty minutes later Ruth calls me to see if I am coming over. I explain about going to Kierstins birthday party and Kadens game...she sighs and says she understands. She says," I guess you know I am going to have a guest tomorrow." I tell her I do know that." She asks," How do you know that?' I say,"Because I was here when Mike talked to you." She hesitates, which usually means she is either confused or she thinks I am crazy and then says," Oh yeah, well I don't want to talk about it anymore now, I know you are busy so I will let you go.I just miss you so much." I tell her ," I know," followed with ," I know you will have a good visit tomorrow, don't be worried." She impatiently says," I don't worry about things like this, will I see you tomorrow, I really miss you like the dickens." I tell her I will see her tomorrow afternoon and then Cindy will be up the next day. She says she is looking forward to that.

Mikes visit on Saturday was as expected. She acted like she knew who he was most of the time. He was there for about 2 hours. He got to see a lot of her behaviours for the first time through new eyes now that he knows what is going on . Needless to say, between the smoking, patterned behaviours, confusion, sadness, and Ruths desire to leave Corinthians, he was exasperated by the time he left. Visiting with Ruth is an exhausting experience. Our main desire is to make her happy but that just ain't gonna happen. Next on the list of desires ,we would like to help her not be so confused...that ain't gonna happen for more than the few minutes after each conversation.Then it is right back to confusion as normal. Our list of desires has had to change daily. Now we are down to keeping her safe and comfortable. We (Cindy and all her personas, Mike and all his personas , and I) often feel like we are failing Ruth. Simply put, we can not fulfill any of our desires when it comes to her . As of this writing, she is still miserable, she literally hates where she is, we know no more about what is wrong with her than when we started the Drs visits, she refuses to eat the food from Corinthians, she is drinking more and smoking more than ever, she is more confused about who is who each day, she is not grooming herself properly ,she thinks she has unlimited finances ,and she is tired and grumpy most of the time. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE HAD HOPED FOR....

I visited Ruth Saturday afternoon. She was unusually agitated. She was washing clothes(3 pairs of undies at a time) and you would have thought she was washing for 20. She was really involved in what I will now just term as patterning. She does the same thing over and over and over again ,ie... she sits on the bed, takes off her shoes, puts the laces in and puts them on the shelf in her closet.She then returns to the bed, turns to the shelf by the bed, straightens her shelf top, folds the covers back, fluffs the pillows, sits down on the bed, fluffs the pillows, pulls up each cover separately, flattens them, reaches over and gets a cigarette, picks up her ashtray, goes through the same routine about she shouldn't be smoking in the room but hopes she won't get caught, apologizes about the smoke but adds she won't blow it in my direction.She settles in for a chat and then removes her covers in the reverse order,stands and does her ashtray routine,puts everything back in order on her shelf, walks over to look out the window to see if anyone is smoking,asks me if there is anything I want and then heads back to repeat the previous pattern again and again and again until either I leave or she actaully keeps her shoes on this time to go out of the room. As I said , she seems unusually agitated and distrtacted today. I know she is not feeling well and that she is tired as she said she has been up since 1 A. M. . She seemed to have enjoyed her visit with Mike but she adds that he was just wrong about several things. I am not in the mood for the long discussion that will be involved if I ask her what he was wrong about so I stay silent.After a couple of hours she decides she is going to take her pants back to dry so I say I need to go. She says she understands. I remind her that Cindy will be visiting tomorrow. She seems happy and relieved. I leave her talking to the dryers...

Sunday is Cindys day. She does a miraculous job with taking Ruth out. Only those who have dealt with Ruth lately in public know what a risk you are taking when you take her out. Hopefully, Ruth will be more open to going out now. It will be great for her to get away from Corinthians some. Normally, she will not go anywhere.

GREAT JOB CINDY>CINDY

Today was a good day, realitively speaking. Mom was, as always, so happy to see me. It seems to her that it takes hours and hours for me to get there. It's a one hour trip but for her, it is one of the longest hours of her day.

She wanted to go out. Not just outside-really out. She said let's go to lunch. I said OK but they won't be serving for another 40 minutes. No, I'm not eating here, I want to go to a restaurant.
I told her that I am not really familiar with the area and wouldn't know where to go or how to get there. No problem. We'll just go ask someone. OK. While out trying to find the area we were told about, I spot a little Italian place in a shopping center. When she finds out they don't serve beer, we're asking for another restaurant. The kids in this place are looking at us like we're nuts. Can you blame them? After I tell them we are looking for something like Red Lobster or Outback, one of them says "Let me take these rolls to my table and I can tell you how to get to Red Lobster." Mom lights up and says "That would be great!" She is happy. This sweet kid comes back and writes down step by step instructions on how to get to Red Lobster. His instructions were very precise so even I didn't get lost. Knowing that it would be about a 15 to 20 minute trip gave me pause but she was so bent on going that I just took her. At this point, she knows not to distract me while I am driving as we have been through that.

On the way there, she is chattering softly; incessantly. I hear her voice but can make out only about 15% of her words.

At Red Lobster we have the nicest waiter. He is very kind and does a great job. She orders shrimp cocktail. WHAT??. She has shrimp cocktial at home. She has been eating shrimp coctail for days and days. OK. I say nothing.

This is the best shrimp cocktail she has ever had. Why is it so much better she wants to know. All I can come up with is that mabey the shrimp here is fresh whereas the shrimp we get at Kroger is frozen. She agrees. I think.

Mike was Dick all day. I was Cindy her friend; for how much of day, I'm not sure. She talked about us moving in together and I have to tell her again that she can't move in with me. That at the first opportunity, I will be moving closer to her. She understands, as always, but seems to be so miserable where she is.

I think she thinks that when I do move closer that we can get an apartment together. I explain that it wouldn't work because I still have to work. I remind her of the previous six months how she would call me at work asking when I would be home and then her telling me that she just watches the clock until it reaches the Cindy is home hour. I remind her of how miserable she had been those last months here and although she agrees, she just doesn't feel like she is home anymore.

She said Dick told her that the neiborhood was not the best area for her and she agrees. But it was still her home for 20 + years and she is having a really hard time adjusting to her new surroundings. He understands.

We talked about the different stages of life and that the stage she is in should be fun and carefree, just like a little kids life is fun and carefree. She talked about getting a job. Nixed that idea pretty quick. I then talked with her about what she could do that would make her feel like a contributing member of society. I said it's easy, cheap, wouldn't have to leave your apt. and something she already knows how to do and in fact is very good at. She asked what that would be. I suggested (Thank Teresa for this idea) writing letters to soldiers serving overseas. She thought that sounded like a good idea but writing to a complete stranger apparently did not sit as well as I had hoped. Then I had one of those Lightbulb moments. I told her that Michael has some friends serving and I could get their names from him. That seemed like a much better idea. I don't know if this is something she will actually do but I'll try to get a few names and how to write to them. I will encourage her by letting her know that letters from home are precious to these guys (and girls) serving. I think I need to take my own advise to Mom and get involved too. Volunteer work is always a good thing.

Rest easy Mom.
I love you.

Cindy

May 17, 18 ,19

So much of the time spent with Ruth is just an instant replay of the hours of conversations already had. I think my years of raising children have prepared me to be able to repeat the same discussions over and over again AND to ACT like I am hearing it for the first time AGAIN( that's right kiddos, except for Heather, I had heard most of your discussions before but at least with each of you, it would always change a little based on your individual personalities ).
I had told Ruth I would not be able to visit for a few days because of Mike having my car but her pleas for a quick visit always pull me back. Mike has been great about coming home early each day so that I can go over for a bit.
Ruth remains out of touch with reality most of the time. She continues to separate Mike into different people and continues to wonder why NO ONE every told her about him. She has added a new name for him this week. For some reason she is also calling him Tom. Cindy and I spend lots of time trying to decipher the code of names but we can't figure this one out. Ruth has also started assigning some of the things Cindy does to Linda so it appears that Cindy is also taking on another new persona...As for me,most of the time I am still just me, Teresa, her dear friend..
After her call on Tuesday, I told her I would be over after Mike got home from work. I stopped by Kroger and loaded up on yogurt, shrimp, chocolate pudding, lemon parfaits ,and lunchables. Ruth met me in the hall to the dining room(where everyone was eating) in her light weight nightgown. She said she had waited forever and had to keep seeing if I was there.It had been 7 minutes since I called her to let her know I was coming. We put away all of her goodies.... I sat down...Ruth said she had something very important to talk about...I waited until she was ready to talk.
It was the usual conversation.....Hate it here...miserable...what to do?... Mike, Michael, my son, your husband?????...how did I get here...how can I get home...
I patiently answered each question again. I explained her need to go for more tests. It is so difficult to explain what the problems are to a person who thinks that nothing is wrong. At one point she said,"Did you ever stop to think that maybe Cindy is crazy, not me...".....hmmm ...I answered," well no, I know that Cindy IS crazy, just like me, but in this instance, the things she has told us are the things that we have seen SOOO I think we better figure out what might be going wrong ." She said she understands. She seemed to calm down a bit .She said she wanted to sleep .She wanted me to know that she wasn't mad about anything and she wouldn't stress about anything,she was just tired. As always, she said how much she appreciates all I do and thanks for coming when she called...
Today, I got a call from Ruth saying she had to find the children. She said they had all gotten dressed and left....maybe they went to church..did I know where they were...RED FLAG WARNING...I asked if she was talking about the people at Corinthians and she said," No, I am talking about the kids.I went to the desk and they said they are all in school but I am going to have to find them"... I ask her if she is ok and she says she is fine ,she just has to find the kids....I hang up the phone and call Carla. As soon as I say it is me Carla sighs and says," Ruth has been up here for hours trying to find her children and I can't keep her out of the kitchen. We can't have her in the kitchen." I tell her I will be right there...
When I arrive, Ruth is chatting with a resident. I talk with Carla and Michelle for a bit. Carla explains what has been going on AND says the T V is working fine as Lonn went by to check it and the cable was not tight enough...thank you Lonn... Michelle says she will try to get Ruth assigned to in home care so that the nurses on site can spend time with her and relay first hand info back to the Dr...that is the most help we have gotten to try to figure this out...thanks Michelle...I let Ruth visit for about 5 more minutes and then go and sit in one of the chairs by her. She looks up and sees that it is me and says," Oh my God, you have no idea how much I needed to see you.I can't believe you are here." She introduces me and says she wants to go upstairs as she has something real important she wants to talk about. All the way to her room she has her arm tightly around me. She has more trouble getting the key to work.
The big discussion is about how it would be a win win situation for she and Claire to move in together. She has really thought this out and she adds," I can be a good girl, I will cook every day, I will clean, and I will sleep later." damn...damn, damn, damn.... She is killing me. I've gotta bring out the big guns now. I tell her about grass not being greener. I tell her that Claire needs this time to live on her own, just like Ruth had needed all those years(try selling that to the person who now believes she has never lived alone half the time). I explain about her medical concerns, safety issues, being located where Cindy wants to move to. She seems to be buying some of it. She says she has no friends, that no one here is in her sphere, nothing in common... I ask her if she had good friends in Arlington...She says that her best friend was Terry and that she hasn't written him. I point out that Terry is as far out of her sphere as anyone could ever be but that she gave him enough time to get to know him. She says I am right. I suggest a hobby, a list of things she enjoys,helping the lonely people at Corinthians. Once again, she seems to be buying some of it. I tell her about the seasons of life and the fear we all have of entering a new season. I tell her it is her own choice whether she becomes a negative vegetable in her room or whether she goes out the door and becomes a positive influence . She continues listening to my noble speech and seems to understand. She wants to have one more cigarette then she wants to get out of the room...I am feeling like I have made some progress...I am so darn smart...We are walking down the hall and she says..."I really have got to find the kids." Man, so much for feeling so smart. I know the simple answer would be to just tell her where her kids are...been there, done that...she is not talking about them, she is talking about THE KIDS...Ruth never can give any description or names. This time she says they were there this morning and they all got dressed and left.She thinks they went to Mass but they have been gone way to long. I ask her if they will be coming back tonight(that's right, I know how to play). She pauses ,looks at me and says, "do you think I dreamed them or made them up?" I quietly say ,"Maybe, I just don't know."
We are in the dining room.Ruth won't eat but has decided to take THIS opportunity to be friendly.I just want to go. She talks to a few people, tells one lady she wants to see her tonight, is told not tonight ,asks if she has a date or something, lady says yes, other lady at table says she is nosey...I just want to go. I lead Ruth away and tell her I need to go fix dinner. She says she understands. When we get to the front she wants to sit and talk....I sit...Mike texts he is hungry...I really just want to go. Ruth is quiet. She says that she was told that all of her family would visit her but no one does,no one...I tell her that Cindy , Mike and I do. She says that Linda and Cokie don't. I go over how sick Linda is. She says she would never expect Linda to drive, she would go there if she could. I tell her I will take her over there any time she wants. She asks if I have seen Linda lately. I tell her it has been 20 years but I will be more than glad to take her over. She says she wants to call Cokie. I tell her I am sure he would enjoy that. She is quiet again and then says I need to go home and fix dinner for my husband. I say I do. She is distracted when I tell her good by. She heads off towards the dining room. I choose to believe she had a fun filled evening of chatting with her friends..
Good night Ruth...

May16...peace in the kingdom

Mike called Cindy before church today to get her to check on Ruth's T V and ask if things were good.Cindy said things were good. After church I had a message from Cindy that she was glad I didn't answer the phone as she(whoever she is) had pissed off her Mom and to call her when I got a chance. I called...we chatted about the same things that Ruth is going through AGAIN , tried to figure out what to think, what to do ,how to feel, etc ,etc...I tell Cindy I will go by to check on Ruth..
Ruth answers the door in her nightgown and looks beat. I ask her if she is OK.She says ,"I guess you heard about my fight with Claire." I say yes....She says," Well, she is not welcome here again." I say," Now Ruth..." She says," I'm not kidding, I don't care if I never see her again." She asks about the paper I have in my hand. I tell her," I told you I would make a list of what you owe me when it gets to a million dollars. I have come to collect my million." She laughs and says," Oh, I am so glad you did that for me.That relieves my worry about that." I see the blanket I bought laying on the chair just like the first blanket we bought . I ask her if she would like for me to return it. She says," Oh no, it is beautiful." I sit down...She lays down on the bed.
She is quiet for a moment and then says ," You know what else Cindy said to me today? She said she knows Mike is her brother ." I say nothing...She proceeds with the usual back and forth of how does she know him...why didn't she tell her...she had some nerve getting rid of her T V...she was mean to me..." I pick out the one thing I think I can win at and say," Ruth, in Cindy's defense, she knew about the new T V and didn't want to spoil the surprise by asking you what to do with the old T V so she kept quiet about it in order to not spoil your surprise." Ruth says," I can understand that but she should have told me today.That is just not right.'' ...Ruth's comment make no sense more and more of the time.
Ruth then asks if I bought the TV...AGAIN... I say ,"Mike and I did." OFF TO THE RACES...we spend an hour trying to work out who Mike is. Ruth is so offended that she has had a son for 59 years that never told her he is her son. She is aggravated at her other children for not introducing him. She is really, really aggravated why everyone keeps telling her that he has been to visit her on Mothers Day and other visits when she knows she has never met him. She asks if I can tell her any times I know he has visited her. I try to use tangible items to make her understand. I tell her he bought her mattresses and brought them to her..She says her husband brought them. I tell her Jack was dead. She says her other husband. I tell her she never married again. She pauses and ponders and says ,it was her boyfriend. I tell her the only boyfriend I ever knew of was the other Jack(there really was another Jack) who lived in St Pete. She said."You know, I think you are right. I did almost marry him but decided not to." She goes back to Mike. She wants explicit details of the mattress delivery....I give them to her. She gets quiet and then asks if there is anything else. I go through the list of things Mike has bought over the years. She says she finds it hard to believe..."Why would a stranger buy her all those things?" I tell her he is her son and wants to be sure she has all that she need. She says it just doesn't make sense.
We go over and over Mike , Michael, my husband Mike and she finally seems to have a little breakthrough moment about who he is....fleeting moment because she says her brother Dick buys her Mothers Day cards every year. I explain that that is Mikes card..She argues that it is Dick. I tell her Dick is dead. She can't believe it. I tell her it is true and give her the details. She says it must have been her one of her other brothers. I tell her they are all dead. She asks for names and specifics....I give them to her....She stares....She says she is talking about the brother who is taking care of her Mom at the house in N Y...I tell her her Mom is dead.She says I am right. All of the brothers being dead seems to make her try to stop and figure out if she is wrong about Mike. She says she just needs to meet Mike and see if he knows any childhood memories. I tell her she needs to be aware that she needs to be kind to him as this is very hurtful to him. She says she understands and that none of this is his fault .
She goes over her need to move. I tell her that she needs to figure out how she can move and stay within the parameters of what she can do. She says she really should be able to go live with Claire. I tell her that Claire has Alzheimer's and is in a home. She says she meant Cindy. I tell her no deal...She says she knows. She says she can go live with her brothers and sisters. I tell her she and Claire are the only surviving siblings. She says ,I am wrong as Jeanne is still living. I tell her she died in 2002. She asks where. I tell her Florida....She is quiet and then says he has no where to go. She changes the subject .
She goes back to Mike and his phone calls that we claim is him on Sat mornings. She asks how I know he calls her. I tell her I am there. She says I am crazy as it is her boyfriend who calls her and tells her how much he loves her. She is adamant that she knows she is right. I say nothing.
She is calming down. I tell her we need to let this go for now. I ask her to get me a drink. She jumps up and says she would love to. I ask her if she feels better. She says she really does. I say," And since I feel better, I would love to see Cindy next Sunday." She laughs and says," O K but she has to be nice. I guess I could be nice, too." I say," It never hurts to be nice." She laughs...I tell her I am tired of talking about this so I want to tell her about the movie Letters To Juliet. I tell her all about the movie. We talk about Laura Bush , Barbara Walters, dinner plans, Mikes job and on and on for another 45 minutes. She seems relaxed. I tell her I need to go. She says O K but I will miss you. I ask her again if she is feeling better. She says she feels so much better. She hugs me tightly and says how much she appreciates me coming over. I tell her I know she does. I tell her I won't be able to be over tomorrow as Mike wrecked the car. She says she knows. I tell her she can go down and have lunch. She doesn't complain like she normally does about how lousy the food is, she asks what they will be having. I tell her I don't know. She says she will go down tomorrow and see...even that statement is progress..
Good night Ruth.....

Wow. Each week I get a new picture of dementia, and it is not a pretty one. This is one scary disease and grappling with how to help Mom, how to talk to her when she clearly just doesn't get it, trying to avoid arguments all while trying to keep in mind that when she is talking with me I never really know if she thinks she is talking to Claire, Cindy (her imaginary friend) or me, Cindy, her daughter. I am desperately trying to learn how to juggle her emotional ups and downs and never really knowing who she thinks she is talking to when I am with her.

The fact that she has me being 3 or 4 different people was very troubling at first but now that I am beginning to understand this, to a degree, it is a huge benefit. I'll try to explain briefly.

As her primary go to person, the only one there for her, the one she could see on a daily basis, I met her basic needs for the last 6 or 7 months. I helped her, comforted her and gave her a soft place to fall. When I would say or do something that made her mad or uncomfortable, she could not bring herself to alienate me. She depended on me to much and I think she would get aggrivated with me and had a need to be mad at me from time to time so she created the other Cindy. She (the other Cindy) lives in the same apt. complex although I have never met her but Mom thinks we know each other. Then, I think when we both piss her off, I become her twin sister Claire. She talks to me like we grew up together. Not much of an explaination cause who in their right mind could really explain what is going on in Mom's mind. Certainly not me. Just recently, she at one point referred to me as Jean- her older sister. Go figure.

She can not wrap her head around how I know Mike (my brother). She asks when I met him. I tell her that I grew up with him, he's my big brother. She says, no, when did you meet him. Mom, Mike is my big brother, we played baseball, football and went fishing together. She still wants to know when I met him. Honestly, I don't remember ever "meeting" Mike. He was there when I got there. I give up. She wants me to know that he has been here to see her and when I confirm that I know this, she wants to know how I know. I explain that he helped move her here. She doesn't understand how I know about that and I tell her again, that we were all here together to help get her moved in. It's just too much for her to take in. She lays her head back on her pillow, mouth agape and her eyes are just so sad and empty and wanting to close. She is so tired. And so miserable. And there is nothing anyone can do to help her.

Once again, after I leave her, come home and take time to think about our day, I cry for her. For her misery, for her confusion, for her hating her life and for her absolute loss of self.
This is a sad, sad situation.

She hates being where she is and I am bordering on getting honest with her about why she is really here but she just would not understand and I am so hesitant to further agitate her that I don't.

Teresa just called after visiting with Mom tonight. As it turns out, today I was Claire, and Mom never wants to talk with me again. I guess Claire sufficiently pissed her off. Oh no. I'm down to two personalities and only one of them can make her mad. I guess if that happens, she will create another person for me to be as she knows that she depends on me too much to totally alienate me. Unless she transfers that dependancy to Teresa. Scary thought, huh Teresa.

Mom was asking why she hasn't seen anyone else from the family, Cokie, Linda where are they. I remind Mom that Linda has to get a portable oxygen tank in order for her to visit and she remembers, "Oh, yes."

Just so, so very sad.

Another day in Mom's life.

Hoping she can rest easy tonight.

May 14&15..Just keep swimming

....I think we may be drowning ....The last two days with Ms Ruth have been difficult at best. We can not seem to make any headway that lasts more than a few hours at the most. Every time we feel like we make some progress in helping make her happier, she nails us with how miserable she is. We must find a better way to deal with her situation and we must always remember that it is about her, not us...that is difficult sometimes.
Today, I am grateful for the delete key. Cindy said enough about how it has gone the last two days for both of us. She has her hands full tomorrow. We are hoping that she will be able to use whatever Cindy Ruth listens to in order to try to start programming Ruth to try to be happier ,kinder, gentler.... Ruth is so confused ...So far, we are getting no help from the Drs....
Like Cindy, I know this was the best decision we could make but I also know that Ruth cannot continue to be so miserable....

Hoping for the Best

My dear, sweet sister-in-law Teresa, who has been spending so much time with ; and doing so, so much for, my mother (AKA her monster in law) is in need of a much deserved break. I will be giving her that break as I will be going to visit Mom tomorrow.

I guess Mom was really on a roll today and is pretty much pissed off at the world. She hates the Corinthians, doesn't remember Mike,(her firstborn son) who is the only other child she has that has kept in touch with her these last many, many years, where's her old T.V., hates the food, hates this place, etc., etc. Wants her moving boxes back-yes, she thinks she can move back to Arlington. Aaargh.

My mission tomorrow, should I choose to accept it, will be to do my best to bring my mother to the realization that she is where she is for a reason. To try and help her understand that she has reached a point in her life where she needs more help than we can provide and that it is no longer safe for her to live alone, to try to get her to accept Corinthians as her new home and that she needs to fit in as best she can. I really don't think I can convince her as she is so far gone at this point, nothing anyone says or does makes sense to her. She is who she is and this disease is taking her down so fast. We struggle every day to make this as easy as possible for her but she is just so resistant, not to mention extremely stubborn.

Frankly, I never even gave a thought to how Mom would react to this change in her life. I just knew it had to be made. I know it's in her best interest but I really hate that she seems to hate it so much. I keep telling myself that she just needs time. Mabey, just mabey, she'll come around and learn to like it as much as so many of the other residents there do.

Hoping for the best.

Rest easy tonight Mom.

May13th...

8:30 wake up call...."Teresa this is Carla, Ruth is confused about her paper delivery,can you help?...I can hear Ruth in the background...I chuckle..."Good morning Carla, Mike is the one who ordered that for her so I will have to call him. Tell Ruth I will let her know what he finds out when I see her today." Carla repeats what I say to Ruth and says she will see me later.
I arrive at 1 and ask Carla how things are. She tells me Ruth has been up several times to ask about the paper but that she seems fine. I turn around to see Ruth coming down the hall ..she sees me and says she will talk to me in a minute as she has to ask Carla about the paper. I know not to interrupt. Carla tells her that I just told her what Mike had said...Ruth then acknowledges me and asks what I found out. I explain it to her and she is satisfied(for now).
She says ,"let's go upstairs ." I follow...after a few steps she stops and looks at me and asks,"were you the jerk that sent the grilled cheese sandwich to my room last night?"... I say,''why yes, I will fess up to that.Did you like it or not?"....She flippantly says , "I don't know. I threw that thing right in the garbage. I didn't take a bite of it." I thought," well I guess that answers my question and this is going to be a rough day.."
On the way to her room she seems pleasant enough. She speaks to any one we pass. She then says," I have been thinking that I will just get a moving company to move my things." ...Ugh, here we go again...I say," Well Ms Ruth, where are you going to move to?" ...She says,"To my home." I got nothing to loose at this point so I say," And where is your home? She looks at me and says" I guess I don't have one do I?" I just smile at her...
The day went pretty well after that. She seems coherant. She asks about Mike and his job and she stays in the conversation for a long while. She wants to talk about Laura Bush and her comments on Larry King. She asks about the quilt I am trying to make. She looks out the window several times. She wants to go for a walk. We go for a walk.
We run into Michelle who asks her if she liked Dr Khan.Ruth cheerily says she did. I know I am in the Twilight Zone. She and Michelle chat for a bit. Ruth always enjoys talking with Michelle. We sit at the front for about 10 minutes and Ruth is ready to go back to the room. She laughs and says I will follow her anywhere.
Ruth smokes 3 cigarettes and drinks a beer. I see that she has eaten 9 of the 10 yogurts we got yesterday afternoon. She seems a little antsy and wants to go for a walk again. We go back up front. She looks out for my van and says she needs to go and she appreciates my visit. This seems a little odd to me but I hug her and say I will see her tomorrow. She says she will look forward to that. She heads back down the hall. I go out the front door and then go back in to the front desk and tell Pat that Ruth sent me on my way but I bet she will be back and wonder where I am...if she does come back just tell her I will see her tomorrow...I head home at 4...
I take a shower and throw my smoky clothes in the washer and sit down to go over the day with Mike...the phone rings..it is Ruth...."Teresa, this is Ruth Whelan, how are you?"... I answer, I am fine Ruth, how about you?"..."When are you coming back?" she asks...."Remember, I will see you tomorrow"...."Oh no, not tomorrow, please come back tonight." she pleads. I can tell she is going to be agitated if I don't go back so I sigh and say," I will be back at 6...I heat dinner up real quick and Mike and I eat. I dry my hair, put on makeup, get dressed and head back.
Ruth opens the door and says," I am so glad to see you, I couldn't bear being alone all day." Even though I left about 2 hours earlier I just say," I know."
Ruth asks about Mike,dinner, the drive,etc. She then launches back into the idea of movers. I decide to zero in n this situation. I explain about Cindy moving up here to be near Linda and Cokie and Tracey and Wally. I tell her that Cindy #2 has moved away from the apartment in Arlington( that is Cindy #1 's side personality).I tell her she will be all alone in Arlington. She says that if Cindy #1 is moving up here then she will stay up here. I am very direct with her by saying that if that is her decision then she needs to stop wasting brain cells on go back over any ways to go back to Arlington any more. She says she agrees. We play this song and dance until she is saying to me that she thought that I was trying to talk her out of staying here at Corinthians and that she thinks this is fits the criteria of the place I am saying she needs and that she thinks this place could be homey.... YES!!! I say I think she is right by golly...She seems pleased to have figured this out...
She asks if Mike has a younger brother....oh me oh my... I say that Court is his younger brother. She seems confused for a second and then I can tell by the look on her face that she gets it. She says that Court was a super young man. I say yes he was. She asks if I knew him. I tell her a couple of stories about Court. She says she is glad I knew him.
She asks what Mike is doing tonight. I tell her he is vaccuming the floor for me. She can't believe a man would do that .I say Mike is that type of guy. She says Cokie used to do that for Linda and adds that he sure is a great guy ,too. I say that he sure is. She says," I sure would like to meet your husband one day." I want to scream but I just explain who Mike is .She says it is so confusing for her. I try to explain why she is confused(like I really know why).She says she wants to ask me a delicate quetion... I say," Of course." ..." When my son Michael was 19 , he made me very angry when he brought home this girl and said he was going to marry her. I was very angry. Are you that girl?" ...I say," Why yes I am." She puts her hands on her head and says," that just doesn't make any sense,I was so angry with you and now I love you so much....how can that be, it just doesn't make sense." I tell her that we have both matured...she laughs
We talk a bit about her medical concerns and what we need to do. I promise her I will never allow them to do tests just for the sake of doing tests. She says she knows I will look out for her.
Ruth says she hasn't seen Cindy since she has been there. I tell her she was up on Sunday. She says that she saw Claire on Sunday but not Cindy. I explain about her confusing Cindy for Claire. She says she really has been doing that. I tell her I know....
After a couple of hours, Ruth is concerned about it getting dark so I tell her I am going to leave. She asks when I will be back. I say I will be back tomorrow. She wants to know what time. I say ," How about I order you a club sandwich for lunch and I come over then. She says that I am just too good to her.
She says she wants a list of the things I have paid for. I tell her when it is million dollars I will collect. She laughs and says I am just too much. I tell her I know and I will see her tomorrow for lunch..

Ruth had a pretty good day. There were endless conversations about so many things. She seemed more clear most of the time.

May 12th...Happy Dance

...The parking lot is filled to capacity at Corinthians when I arrive at 10:30. They have had a marketing meeting today so Carla has not seen Ruth. The residents were served a continental breakfast in their rooms. I had high hopes that that went well...not so much.... Ruth had saved each item to show me just how lousy it was. She said she was so excited about being served breakfast in her room but she expected some nice scrambled eggs, maybe some sausage, etc. She says this place even messes that up. I tried to explain what a continental breakfast is .She says I am always making excuses for this place. I laugh and tell her she is right. In less than 20 minutes she smokes 2 cigarettes, finishes her beer , and finishes the shrimp that Cindy brought her.
A knock on the door finds her quickly extinguishing her cigarette so that she won't 'get caught' smoking. It is Cindy(that's right, the head of housekeeping is also named Cindy) and Devon coming to clean her air conditioner. She is talking 90 miles an hour about the lousy breakfast, how the people are great, and could someone please clean up the lint in the laundry room. As always, Cindy is GREAT... Devon finishes his cleaning while Ruth walks Cindy down to the laundry to be sure she sees exactly what she is talking about. I am waiting for her in the hall and trying to get some fresh air when Michelle (director) stops by to see how things are going. She says Ruth seems to be doing fine and that she thinks she is only complaining to me, like a kid who is dropped off at school. Ruth spots Michelle and zips back down the hall to say Hi... they chat... I listen...Michelle says she has to go...Ruth tells her the people here are grand, just grand...
Ruth is in a good mood. She asks about Mike and says how stressed we must be over this thing with ADT. She says Claire brought her flowers for Mothers Day but she can't remember what kind. She is embarrassed. I point to the lovely white roses that Cindy brought and she says that those are the ones she thought Cindy brought but she wasn't sure. She adds,"Of course they are the ones Ruth, they are the only ones in the room. I am just so stupid, so damn stupid." I tell her she has a lot on her mind. She laughs and says," there you go, always making excuses."
We change her pillow cases to match her sheets. She says she needs some bleach. I say we can go to Kroger. She says, no ,she wouldn't want to do that. I feel brave so I tell her that we need to start thinking of somewhere to go to get out of her apartment. She says she can't think of anywhere she would want to go. She says she needs to have her toenails clipped. I say we can go get a pedicure as it is Wednesday and the Salon is open. She says that is a great idea. We walk down, the salon is closed today. I say we can go somewhere else, she is hesitant. She asks Carla about the salon. Michelle walks up and says they are closed but she should go to the one down the street. Ruth has to have everything explained. Michelle and Carla patiently explain. I tell Ruth, "I would love to get a pedicure, why don't we go?" Ruth says, "Its a deal, let's go."
She is worried about paying for the pedicure. I tell her I will pay and she can pay me back. She laughs.... I show her the salon is right next to Kroger. She is thrilled. She is actually excited.
The name of the salon is Serenity Day Spa. Everyone talks softly when we enter....NOT RUTH...they are wonderful with her. Luckily ,she got the girl who speaks the best English. Ruth questions her about everything in her life. Lynn answers(thank you Lynn)... Ruth tells Lynn my name is Teresa and I am married to her son. ...unbelievable... Ruth says some pretty crazy things and all the patrons in the salon are looking at each other and laughing...I get it, I really do but I want to slap them all...Ruth keeps saying how lovely this is and NEVER has one negative thing to say to or about Lynn...Lynn tells her she needs to come back in a month. Ruth tells her it is a date...When we leave, she says how much fun that was and she will look forward all month to going back....HAPPY DANCE...HAPPY, HAPPY DANCE...
We go right to Kroger. She says she wants to see if anyone has moved from Arlington to that store. She says it would be just like home if they had. We march right over to the bakery. Ruth looks at a lovely little Jamaican girl behind the counter and asks if she knows her. The sweet girl says ," Why yes, I know you." Ruth looks surprised and asks ," How , did you transfer to this store? The girl looks at me and I say, " Did you possibly transfer to this store from the Arlington Kroger?!?!?!?" She smiles at Ruth and says,"Why yes sugar, I just moved here from Arlington. I can't believe I am seeing you here." Ruth asks if there is anyone else here from Arlington. The girl says ,"Why yes, I think there may be someone in the meat dept but I have not seen her as we work different shifts." Ruth's eyes are wide and she is so excited. The girl comes from behind the counter to hug her and says she will look forward to her visits...we move on....Ruth is going from child to child..the mothers are great..she scared some of the kids...I try to coax her forward....She now wants a buggy and asks me to get one. I tell her they are at the front of the store.She says she will meet me by the milk. I hurry but she IS NOT by the milk. I am frantic. Amber is my only child who ever got away from me but the sick feeling of that day so long ago is coming back. I am jetting back and forth. I finally see her headed out the front door. I am almost running now...I see that she is getting a buggy. She says she waited for me forever and I didn't come back. She says she was so frightened. I will NEVER do that again...
We check out. I tell Nita that I have Ruth with me. Nita chats Ruth up again, just like the other day. Ruth is in Kroger Heaven( I think that she thinks Kroger is Heaven). We drive back. She can't believe we got back so quick. She says this is just like home, she has her friends at Kroger and her lovely friend Lynn at the Salon...( I know I must be dead and in Heaven)...We walk into Corinthians. She tells Carla she had the best time, she had had a pedicure. We walk to her room. She says we had so much fun but it is good to be home. Her key goes in on the first try.This is good. I put her groceries away and tell her I am going to leave. She asks when I will be back. I tell her ,very explicitly, tomorrow. She sighs and says," Not til tomorrow." I remind her that I have to cook dinner, etc.She says she understands. She hugs me and says ,"This has been so much fun,so much fun". I tell her I am glad and will see her tomorrow.

This is the best day we have had. I know that it all may change in the next few hours but this is the first time that Ruth has referred to Corinthians as home and the first time I have seen her honestly happy.

May 11 Aggravated

I want to just stay home and plant flowers, work on Haylees quilt and clean the house but I feel the need to visit Ruth. She has not called and Corinthians has not called but I have a nagging feeling that I better stop by. I am testy before I leave.
Ruth's door is open but she does not answer my knock. I reluctantly open it and enter , calling her name. She is bent over her bed and does not hear me until I am in the room. She is dressed to leave the room and she looks around and greets me with a big smile . She is so glad I have come. She says she wants to get out of here. I suggest lunch .She says ,"Let's go." We go to the dreaded dining room, sit at a table , figure out it is someones 'regular' table and move to sit with 'Joyce'.
I have been told by several people that Joyce would be a good match for Ruth. What were they thinking? Joyce is very opinionated , doesn't like the food, has no problem telling it like it is ,ect..etc....Ruth's twin. I immediately see that this is not a good situation. I am afraid we are going to have a throw down in the retirement home. Ruth is getting more agitated than she already was. She scoots her chair back...we are done. I thank Joyce for letting us sit with her. Ruth says nothing. As soon as we clear the table Ruth goes off...she has nothing in common with Joyce and can see no reason that she would communicate with her. I say I understand. We head back to Ruth's apt.
Ruth says we need to talk. She has gone to the front desk and told them she DOES NOT want to have to keep her years lease. Carla tells her it is a month to month lease....OH MY HECK....I tell Ruth I think Carla is wrong as she signed a years lease(that's right, I know it is month to month). We are right back to ground zero. Ruth hates it here and is NOT going to stay... I feel like screaming... I go over our same 30 minute drill of what, when, who ,where ,and why she is here... She isn't buying any of it today. I try to bring up my brilliant idea of decorating her apt. She says it is the dumbest thing I have ever said. Again, I am dead in the water.
Today, Cindy has taken on many more roles. Ruth has divided everything Cindy does or is into Cindy, her daughter...Cindy, her friend...her other daughter... her kid...Claire... and that girl that lives near her in Arlington. Each Cindy has different roles and is either good or bad based on how she meets Ruths needs. It is very difficult to figure out who is who.
Ruth has decided she wants to talk about Linda today. She wants to know if I know her. I say I of course I do, she is your #1 daughter. Ruth says she has the best husband in the world. I say that she is right, Cokie is a great guy. She can't figure out how I know him. I say he is married to her daughter.She says she is confused and doesn't want to talk about it any more.
She wants to chat about her brother Dick who lives on the lake in The Colony. I tell her that is Mike, who I am married to. She is confused about that. She changes the subject.
She says she wants to go home. I go through the "where is home routine"....She is so agitated about it today.
She smokes 4 cigarettes while I am there. It is making me so sick. She is so negative about everyone and everything today. She thinks everyone is stupid , paid to be nice, dull, old, etc... She is wearing me down. She says she needs to wash some clothes. I say great, I will help her. She says she doesn't need any help. I say she is right, I am sorry. I tell her I need to go. She asks what I am doing this afternoon. I tell her I am going to the store then going home to cook dinner and work on Haylees quilt. She asks who Haylee is. I tell her who she is. She asks me to get the All out for her clothes. She then is dragging through the garbage bag for a box. She pulls out an empty box of garbage bags and says she needs that kind. I tell her I will get them for her.
We walk to the laundry room and put in her sheet and 2 prs of panties. I ask her if she will be okay this evening. She says she will be fine. I hug her and say goodbye.
I am down the hall when she yells," Teresa , Teresa." I jet back around the corner to see her smiling and she says," Tell Michael that if the ADT guys give him any problems for him to tell them to call his Mother." I laugh and say I will.

I am exasperated with Ruth when I leave. I am tired of her negative statements and her mean comments. I want to be mad at her today. Mike is home when I get there and I tell him I am not going back until either Ruth calls or Corinthians calls as she is just being mean . He says he agrees.

Ruth calls Mike and says she can't find Teresa. Does he know where I am. He says I have gone shopping and will be back soon. I tell him I will call her later. I try to call her but there is no answer. She calls Mike back and says she has been waiting in the lobby for me. He tells her that he told her I was not coming back today. She says she forgot . She says she was so worried about me. She says that she can't stand it when she has to worry about people she LOVES.... OH MY GOSH... she has said that to Mike about me. I just wanted to be mad at her, she can't even grant me that privilege for a day. Mike tells her to stay in her room and I will call her.
She answers her phone with ,''hello my dear''. I know that she really means it. I tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't clear when I left today. She says it was her fault. I ask her if she will be okay tonight. She asks if I am going to stay out all night. I say I will be at my home. She is confused and then says she understands. I ask her if she wants to do lunch tomorrow,. She says to come over and we will see. I say I will see her at 11. She says that will be great. I tell her I appreciate being worried about. She laughs and says good night. I feel like such a heel...Good night Ruth

May 10th...

This is your 8:40 wake up call..."Teresa, this is Carla. Ruth has been wandering around for 4 hours asking everyone if they have a car, if they can take her somewhere,can she buy some cigarettes. Can you come up and see if you can help calm her down?"

" Tell her I will be there in a little bit ," I reply with a mixture of guilt for not knowing she was low on cigarettes and not actually seeing her yesterday . I quickly dress and head over to try to sooth her.

When I arrive I ask Carla if she is agitated. Carla gives me that look....I know she is going to be a handful. I go to her door and knock....no answer, just like last night. I knock again...no answer. I am deciding what to do when I see her come out of the door to the laundry room. She looks beat..

" Oh my God, I am so glad to see you," she whines. I tell her she looks so tired. She replies, " I am just so miserable, so miserable. We need to talk.'' I know I am in for the 'long' discussion this morning. She shows me the laundry room, chats about the washers and dryers , realizes there is not an empty dryer for her 1 blue shirt and 1 pair of undies that she washed and decides to take them back to her apt ..... wet.

She is out of cigarettes and she rambles quickly about her activities of the morning .She says she has been wandering around for hours and no one even has a car. I tell her we can go get some cigarettes. She is thrilled .She quickly gathers up what she needs and we head out. She is frazzled. We make it out the building and in the car. She does not even complain about the drive or the distance. I guess her mind is too focused on telling me how much she hates where she is. I am just trying to let her rant . We make it to the counter after she speaks to the people working there, always telling them to 'be happy'.... The cashier isn't too friendly at first and Ruth can not remember what kind of cigarette she smokes. She only knows it is a blue carton. The cashier is mumbling what is in a blue carton, with her back to Ruth. I am trying not to get frustrated but I just want to shout," can't you see she is not all here , pay her some attention!!!!", but I am practicing trying to let Ruth handle things for herself. The cashier finally seems to get it and becomes lovely to Ruth. I want to kiss her. Ruth is thrilled...so thrilled that the customers in the express line behind her are beginning to get that look , you know, the one we give when we need to be somewhere and there is a person who is chatting up the cashier.... Ruth finally says she will be back and says goodbye...Kroger has come through again.

On the ride back Ruth made one of the most heartbreaking statements I have heard her say..." I just want to go to the grocery store, put gas in my car, make my shopping list, eat at a restaurant like normal people. I just want to be free, just be free." I am truly at a loss for words. I get it . All I can say is ,'I know Honey, I really do know." She is silent for the trip back. That is not a good sign with Ruth.

She is so excited to have her cigarettes that her moods lifts a bit. She keeps repeating that I have saved her. I feel more guilty. She gets her beers and lights a cigarette and settles on the bed. She tells me we need to talk...I know this isn't going to be good but at least she has her smokes.

" I hate this place...this has been the most miserable week of my life.... my sister won't let me live with her... I hate the food...this is a dump...I am so unhappy," is intertwined in a 3 hour conversation. I try to let her finish as she needs to say what she is saying. I try to divert her with conversation about her Mothers Day visits with Mike and Cindy. She says she didn't see them but Claire and Dick came by. I mention the beautiful roses Cindy brought her. She says they are lovely. She is still hung up on how much she hates it there and how she can not stay there. She says if she could just understand how she got there she could deal with it. I tell her I know and ask if she would like for me to explain it...She would so I go through the whole story again. I go over the list of concerns and the reasons why MIKE AND CINDY chose this place at this time. She keeps repeating that she understands but she has to go home. She lists her reasons.... I understand and I tell her I understand. She asks again and again what I think of the place and have I eaten the food. I give our standard list of all the good things and bad things . I tell her no one can ever cook how she would like as she is used to her own food.She understands.

Our conversations of pros and cons goes on for more than 3 hours. She is desperately trying to understand but I don't think she can. She knows she is going to be here for a bit. She asks what can she do about 20 times. I finally ask her if she wants me to tell her what I really think...She says ,"of course." I go into a long discussion about how I think we should go ahead and totally decorate her apt to make it feel more like home. She wants to interrupt me at every turn but I ask her to let me finish. She is quiet for a bit of time. I use all of my flowery reasons about decorating, looking forward to something good happening, wanting to make her happier( I make it clear that I understand that we may not be able to make her happy ), and of course, how she needs to give this time. Her response is positive but she wants to know who will pay for this. I smile at her and tell her Mike will. She says she cannot allow that.She simply will not allow that. I go into a long explanation about not wanting my kiddos to buy me things but that I have had to learn that it makes them feel good to do it. I tell her she really needs to allow Mike those same feelings. She can't understand why this guy Mike would do that for her. I tell her because he is her son and loves to make her happy. She says that makes no sense as she doesn't know Mike ...I am winning and losing at the same time.

Ruth drinks 2 more beers and smokes 4 more cigarettes in the 3 hours after we get back. She is obviously beginning to mellow. She says she is embarrassed about all the help. She just wants to do things on her own. I tell her I understand . I apologize for all of us taking away her rights to care for herself. I am direct about her needs but I tell her she is smart enough to know what she wants and when she wants it. I go in to an explanation of how teenagers feel about being told what to do by loving mothers who are just trying to help and I tell her that we are all being mothers . She gets it and says she hadn't looked at it like that. Our discussion continues for a while.

At 1:15 Ruth looks out the window and sees the 'lady' who 'wants ' her to come and smoke with her. She quickly gets on her tennis shoes and gets ready to head out. I tell her I need to go .She says she understands. We rush out so quickly that she leaves the cookies she has been eating on her bed . Those who know Ruth know that is as taboo as you can get. After doing the same locking of the door ritual ,with full explanations every step of the way , we head down the hall. She is anxious to get outside to see her" lady".

We get to the door and Ruth looks up and hugs me and tells me how much she appreciates all I do for her. She says I was a God send today. I ask her if she is feeling more calm now that she has her cigarettes. She replies," No , I am feeling more calm because I talked to you." I fight tears and tell her I am glad. I tell her to call me if she needs me. She says she will be fine. I leave at 1:25, hopeful that she will be calm the rest of the day.



Needless to say, this is a fraction of the 4 1/2 hour conversation. Ruth repeats the same stories about 10 times each visit and we discuss the same things each time. The main thing I told her today is that we do not want her to be unhappy. I held my breath and made it clear to her that she can not go back and live with her twin sister Claire( daughter Cindy) in Arlington. I make it clear that she has no apt left there . I make it clear that I think this is the best place for her. I make it clear that everyone loves and cares for her. I have learned to let her know that the decision makers are Mike and Cindy as it is important to her that I not make any of the decisions. I let it go when she says Dick and Claire when she is referring to Mike and Cindy. I am so concerned about how much more time she is living in her past and how little she can relate to the identities of her own children. I cannot bear for her to be so miserable but I still feel like this move was the best option. I know that we have to be more careful about taking away her freedom. In her own words, she just wants to be free. I have decided to tell her that Heather is a decorator and that we have a set amount to spend to get her apt decorated. I have high hopes that this will give her something to look forward to and that by decorating her apt, she will feel more at home. ...here's hoping