May 8...reintroducing Mike

On Dec 19th ,2010 Mike and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. On April 10, 2010 Mike celebrated his 59th birthday. Even though Ruth has never been happy that Mike and I married at 19(what mother in her right mind would be happy about their son dropping out of college to get married at 19 to a girl he met a few months before ) AND even though Ruth has said on many occasions that Mike does not need to come back to see her again ,he has maintained a relationship with her throughout the years. One rule that was established years ago was that he could visit her ,when she allowed it, but she would prefer to see him alone. She has never wanted to see any of the grandchildren from our marriage and did not want any gifts or attention. Mike has walked a tenuous path with Ruth as long as I have known him but out of respect for her and respect for me ,he has done the best he could do. Ruth has lived the last 20 years of her life in one apartment, on a very limited income, with no contact from anyone other than Cindy(who has become her main care giver, friend, confidant, and now twin sister Claire), her 'friends' from Kroger, her 'friend' Terry who lived next door, and Mike. She has always said she loves being alone and she loves her life. The most glaring signs of her downhill spiral has been her dependence on Cindy, her new found 'love' of me , and her confusion over who Mike is. This info is important in further posts as it will always help the reader to understand how advanced her state of dementia is. My disclaimer is ....at no time am I ever speaking for Ruth or for anyone else in her family. I am only recording things as seen through my eyes , the in law who has had the least contact with the extended family of anyone , and the daughter in law who Ruth has just allowed back in to her life...


Mike is cautious about visiting Ruth alone as we sent him in the morning after Cindy "abandoned " Ruth to go see " those people" the first night we had Ruth at Corinthians. Honestly, Cindy and I thought it was a good idea as she is better in the morning and she always enjoys his visits...BAD... BAD... BAD idea. She was loaded for bear and had her towels on her chair to make a stand that she was getting out of that place. Mike tried to calm her down but it wasn't going to happen. Mike still thought he could make her understand things...not gonna happen...things got a bit heated...Ruth told him to SCRAM...he did...I spent the week trying to help him understand how she really is right now and what games we have to play to keep her calm...he thought he got the picture...During the week, Ruth decided that it was her brother Dick who visited her last Sunday who "pissed her off'...I told Mike to leave it there...
We arrived at about 11:45 to find Ruth waiting with baited breath at her door. She was bright eyed and bushy tailed, had finally changed her clothes and said ,"hello Michael , I have missed you," as she hugged him tightly...she acknowledged my presence but not with the same joy she does when I am alone. She immediately wanted to show Mike the things she had in the fridge and told him how much she appreciates them. Mike explains about ordering the Dallas Morning News for her, she is thrilled. We sit down...Ruth launches into the same explanations as always..."she doesn't know how long she will be here, she wants to go home, she loves the staff, she hates the food, Dick is no longer welcome here after what he said to her about her spending $200 a month on beer and cigarettes, where is Cindy, she knows she hates her job, did you know that Cindy walked right out and left her there to go visit those people she knows, I want a cigarette ." After that 20 minute round about, I take that opportunity to say to Ruth that it would be a great idea to go smoke outside so she can show Mike where she is 'supposed' to smoke...Out we go...She introduces everybody we walk past to her son ,Michael...
She is confused about another key of hers so I take that opportunity to leave them alone for a bit to go get it marked for her. She tells Mike that she didn't want to ask while I was there but who am I...he tells her who I am and she says it doesn't make sense. he tells her we have been married 40 years and that I am the mother of his children...it just doesn't make sense. She tells him she really appreciates all I do but she doesn't want me in her business,like at the Dr's office, the Dr should not have talked to me, just to her. It still aggravates Mike when she says ANYTHING negative about me but he is a quick study, too. He knows I will cut his tongue out if he says anything to make her mad so he just says that I am only trying to help and moves on. By the time I get back, she is once again confusing him with Dick. She is ready to go back to her apartment and introduces him to everyone on the way back as her son Michael.
Same M O when we go in the apt , appreciation for what I do, where is she going to live, wants to go home, hates the food...we sit down...she becomes lost in explanations of things she is talking about . She is very exact with her explanations, very exact...she just keeps trying to make Mike (Dick) understand about what she is talking about by referencing her childhood, thinking he was there. Mike tries to make her understand he is her son so he wasn't there. She says ,'of course", and goes right back to putting him in places in the story as Dick... Mike looks exasperated...I motion for him to just leave it alone...he does...Ruth rambles on,repeating the same conversations again...I tell her we are going to leave as we are going to a movie...it was a lie...she asks what movie...I am NOT a good liar, my mind goes blank...Mike helps me out with saying,"something about Juliet." Ruth says ,"Romeo and Juliet?" I say ,''No , it is Letters from Juliet and has Vanessa Redgrave in it .Do you remember her?" That's my nervous chatter when trying to lie. She says ," of course I do, what time?"...I am so trapped, what time ..what time...where is Alice's Rabbit when you need him? I nervously say,"1:15"... Ruth looks at her clock, right by her bed and says," it is 1:14 now!" I am dead in the water, I can say nothing. Mike chirps in with," No, we decided to stay a little longer Mom so we are going to go to the 2 o'clock showing....''Oh , that is so sweet Michael but you better get going to make it on time." I think I am still in shock from my previous lie so I just nod... We stand up to leave. Mike explains that we will see her at 9 in the morning with her newspaper and her Mothers Day card. She says there is not a better gift. Ruth says she has enjoyed our visit so much. I don't say I am going to see her later. Ruth shuts the door and we leave.
Mike is shell shocked. He can't believe how it really is. I say ," I know.''

We did not hear from Ruth for the rest of the day. It is the first time I have left her for so long and I am nervous about what is going on. She usually call me to come back with in an hour....I have got to learn to let her be alone when she will be. It is so much better for her as she WILL go out and meet people. That is what she needs most. I think I have to arrange and take care of everything now...On her own, she went to the Salon and got her hair cut today. On her own, she did a load of clothes on Thursday. She got confused but Lonn( the wonderful maintenance man) helped her and she did fine. This is why we want her at Corinthians. I have to learn to let her grow and progress.