This is your 8:40 wake up call..."Teresa, this is Carla. Ruth has been wandering around for 4 hours asking everyone if they have a car, if they can take her somewhere,can she buy some cigarettes. Can you come up and see if you can help calm her down?"
" Tell her I will be there in a little bit ," I reply with a mixture of guilt for not knowing she was low on cigarettes and not actually seeing her yesterday . I quickly dress and head over to try to sooth her.
When I arrive I ask Carla if she is agitated. Carla gives me that look....I know she is going to be a handful. I go to her door and knock....no answer, just like last night. I knock again...no answer. I am deciding what to do when I see her come out of the door to the laundry room. She looks beat..
" Oh my God, I am so glad to see you," she whines. I tell her she looks so tired. She replies, " I am just so miserable, so miserable. We need to talk.'' I know I am in for the 'long' discussion this morning. She shows me the laundry room, chats about the washers and dryers , realizes there is not an empty dryer for her 1 blue shirt and 1 pair of undies that she washed and decides to take them back to her apt ..... wet.
She is out of cigarettes and she rambles quickly about her activities of the morning .She says she has been wandering around for hours and no one even has a car. I tell her we can go get some cigarettes. She is thrilled .She quickly gathers up what she needs and we head out. She is frazzled. We make it out the building and in the car. She does not even complain about the drive or the distance. I guess her mind is too focused on telling me how much she hates where she is. I am just trying to let her rant . We make it to the counter after she speaks to the people working there, always telling them to 'be happy'.... The cashier isn't too friendly at first and Ruth can not remember what kind of cigarette she smokes. She only knows it is a blue carton. The cashier is mumbling what is in a blue carton, with her back to Ruth. I am trying not to get frustrated but I just want to shout," can't you see she is not all here , pay her some attention!!!!", but I am practicing trying to let Ruth handle things for herself. The cashier finally seems to get it and becomes lovely to Ruth. I want to kiss her. Ruth is thrilled...so thrilled that the customers in the express line behind her are beginning to get that look , you know, the one we give when we need to be somewhere and there is a person who is chatting up the cashier.... Ruth finally says she will be back and says goodbye...Kroger has come through again.
On the ride back Ruth made one of the most heartbreaking statements I have heard her say..." I just want to go to the grocery store, put gas in my car, make my shopping list, eat at a restaurant like normal people. I just want to be free, just be free." I am truly at a loss for words. I get it . All I can say is ,'I know Honey, I really do know." She is silent for the trip back. That is not a good sign with Ruth.
She is so excited to have her cigarettes that her moods lifts a bit. She keeps repeating that I have saved her. I feel more guilty. She gets her beers and lights a cigarette and settles on the bed. She tells me we need to talk...I know this isn't going to be good but at least she has her smokes.
" I hate this place...this has been the most miserable week of my life.... my sister won't let me live with her... I hate the food...this is a dump...I am so unhappy," is intertwined in a 3 hour conversation. I try to let her finish as she needs to say what she is saying. I try to divert her with conversation about her Mothers Day visits with Mike and Cindy. She says she didn't see them but Claire and Dick came by. I mention the beautiful roses Cindy brought her. She says they are lovely. She is still hung up on how much she hates it there and how she can not stay there. She says if she could just understand how she got there she could deal with it. I tell her I know and ask if she would like for me to explain it...She would so I go through the whole story again. I go over the list of concerns and the reasons why MIKE AND CINDY chose this place at this time. She keeps repeating that she understands but she has to go home. She lists her reasons.... I understand and I tell her I understand. She asks again and again what I think of the place and have I eaten the food. I give our standard list of all the good things and bad things . I tell her no one can ever cook how she would like as she is used to her own food.She understands.
Our conversations of pros and cons goes on for more than 3 hours. She is desperately trying to understand but I don't think she can. She knows she is going to be here for a bit. She asks what can she do about 20 times. I finally ask her if she wants me to tell her what I really think...She says ,"of course." I go into a long discussion about how I think we should go ahead and totally decorate her apt to make it feel more like home. She wants to interrupt me at every turn but I ask her to let me finish. She is quiet for a bit of time. I use all of my flowery reasons about decorating, looking forward to something good happening, wanting to make her happier( I make it clear that I understand that we may not be able to make her happy ), and of course, how she needs to give this time. Her response is positive but she wants to know who will pay for this. I smile at her and tell her Mike will. She says she cannot allow that.She simply will not allow that. I go into a long explanation about not wanting my kiddos to buy me things but that I have had to learn that it makes them feel good to do it. I tell her she really needs to allow Mike those same feelings. She can't understand why this guy Mike would do that for her. I tell her because he is her son and loves to make her happy. She says that makes no sense as she doesn't know Mike ...I am winning and losing at the same time.
Ruth drinks 2 more beers and smokes 4 more cigarettes in the 3 hours after we get back. She is obviously beginning to mellow. She says she is embarrassed about all the help. She just wants to do things on her own. I tell her I understand . I apologize for all of us taking away her rights to care for herself. I am direct about her needs but I tell her she is smart enough to know what she wants and when she wants it. I go in to an explanation of how teenagers feel about being told what to do by loving mothers who are just trying to help and I tell her that we are all being mothers . She gets it and says she hadn't looked at it like that. Our discussion continues for a while.
At 1:15 Ruth looks out the window and sees the 'lady' who 'wants ' her to come and smoke with her. She quickly gets on her tennis shoes and gets ready to head out. I tell her I need to go .She says she understands. We rush out so quickly that she leaves the cookies she has been eating on her bed . Those who know Ruth know that is as taboo as you can get. After doing the same locking of the door ritual ,with full explanations every step of the way , we head down the hall. She is anxious to get outside to see her" lady".
We get to the door and Ruth looks up and hugs me and tells me how much she appreciates all I do for her. She says I was a God send today. I ask her if she is feeling more calm now that she has her cigarettes. She replies," No , I am feeling more calm because I talked to you." I fight tears and tell her I am glad. I tell her to call me if she needs me. She says she will be fine. I leave at 1:25, hopeful that she will be calm the rest of the day.
Needless to say, this is a fraction of the 4 1/2 hour conversation. Ruth repeats the same stories about 10 times each visit and we discuss the same things each time. The main thing I told her today is that we do not want her to be unhappy. I held my breath and made it clear to her that she can not go back and live with her twin sister Claire( daughter Cindy) in Arlington. I make it clear that she has no apt left there . I make it clear that I think this is the best place for her. I make it clear that everyone loves and cares for her. I have learned to let her know that the decision makers are Mike and Cindy as it is important to her that I not make any of the decisions. I let it go when she says Dick and Claire when she is referring to Mike and Cindy. I am so concerned about how much more time she is living in her past and how little she can relate to the identities of her own children. I cannot bear for her to be so miserable but I still feel like this move was the best option. I know that we have to be more careful about taking away her freedom. In her own words, she just wants to be free. I have decided to tell her that Heather is a decorator and that we have a set amount to spend to get her apt decorated. I have high hopes that this will give her something to look forward to and that by decorating her apt, she will feel more at home. ...here's hoping
No comments:
Post a Comment