A couple of little things before I go any further ...I am not a morning person(yes, I consider anything before 10:00 A M morning) AND in her normal state of mind, I am one of Ruth's least favorite people....
I arrive at Corinthians at 8:30 to take Ruth to her Drs Appt that is scheduled for 9:30. I walk in to find Ms Ruth happily chatting away with Errol on the couch in the lobby. She spots me and is excited as usual. She wonders why I am so early . I explain that we have to fill out that dreaded paperwork . She thinks about leaving but sits back down as she wants to explain her new decision about eating in the dining room. She explains that she went down for breakfast to the dining room this morning and ate with Lil. (I have got to admit I was way too excited about that little morsel of information.) She goes over every detail of her meal, hot cereal, one scrambled egg, coffee, no juice. The hot cereal was good but they butchered the egg," I mean what could they do to an egg," she adds. She has decided that they can do very little harm to breakfast so she will go down every morning for breakfast and then she doesn't have to go down for lunch or dinner. I figure out I have got to be much more careful about the things I say as in those two sentences she has taken things I told her yesterday and added her own thoughts to them and has now written them in stone in her mind. I mean, I really didn't think they could do anything to mess up a scrambled egg and I thought it was a good idea to get her to commit to breakfast BUT I never thought she would decide that she didn't have to go to any other meal. I try to take back what she thinks our 'deal' was but she ain't buying it...we will have to be happy with breakfast for now.
She has had her say and now she is up and ready to go. As we get into the car she begins," I thought it was right here(the Dr's office) , you drive great, I appreciate this, why are we driving there, yes, I know how to put the seat belt on, I can do it by myself Mom,etc, etc.'' All stated before I even get the car in gear. " How far is this place?" she asks nervously...''It takes 6 minutes and 23 seconds to get there," I say...."You are a hoot, I should have known you would have an answer."...''I know how nervous it makes you to drive so I looked it up so I could tell you," I add....''OHHH GEAHD(that's me trying to spell how she drags out God in her New York accent) , what am I doing?" she repeats about 5 times...I am trying to chatter about the flowers, the grass, the apartments, the wide roads...ANYTHING.. to distract her...NOT WORKING...''This is taking forever, we have been in this car forever, how far is this place, so many cars, so much traffic(that would be 2 cars on our side of the 6 lane road and maybe 3 on the other side), how much farther...".... "Ruth, we have been in the car for about 2 minutes and it will take 6 minutes and 23 seconds( oh by the way, that is map quest time IF we go the speed limit.....oh hahahah)"...."Is that all, it seems like hours," she whines.." I know , I know, it is tough for you," I croon..."Are you going too fast?''....''Well, no (I am going 30 in a 45 MPH zone) BUT I will slow down if it is making you nervous.''..."no, no , you drive how ever you want....how far is it now?" ... "we have been in the car for about 4 minutes Ruth so it will only be a couple more minutes.When we come up over that little rise right there ,you will be able to see the hospital and that is where we are going".... I am feeling confident that she will relax as soon as we clear the hill..."See Ruth , there it is right over there," I say with confidence..."OH MY GOD, that is over a hundred miles away, we will never get there!!!!".... I say something stupid about it looking farther because of the haze and just drive on while she continues to whine. You would be surprised at how much conversation can go on in a ride that is supposed to take 6 minutes and 23 seconds.
We are at the Dr's office now and are reading EVERY bit of writing that is on every wall. She is winding up as she has decided that it is all just advertising for Dr's to get new patients. I am trying to figure out how to calm her down a little bit before we get in the Dr's office but for the life of me ,I can't.... She is pacing in the elevator like a caged cat...we make it to the Dr's office and she starts reading the stuff on the walls. I go over to sign in and sit down. She wants to know if I signed in, I tell her I did...she goes over to check...the receptionist is busy with something in the back...Ruth is pacing, pacing....She repeats her standard,"Oh God,' over and over... We have been at the Dr's office about 5 minutes but she now is saying we have been here for hours....She goes over and over how stupid this is, how the other Dr's said there was nothing wrong, how they said she is in excellent health, how stupid this , how long we have been here....THANK GOD, the receptionist gives us the papers to fill out...Oh no, this is so stupid.
Ruth has trouble seeing which line to check so she asks me which one to check. I lean over and show her and she says, "Thanks, this is so hard to see,"...I foolishly say how the form is really hard to follow( which it really was) and show her the next place to check....BAD, BAD Teresa...she flares up and says she doesn't need any help, she can fill it our herself....AND THEN..."can you show me where to check?" I know, I am smart enough for this game ,so I just show her the one place and sit back. We have to wait about 15 minutes ...she is pacing,reading the ads,OUT LOUD, on the TV, reading the things, OUT LOUD, on the walls, talking about how long we have been there, saying how stupid this is..did I mention,OUT LOUD....There are 2 Dr's in this office and 3 patients have come in after us and have gone back...not a good situation..I keep telling her they are going to the other Dr...Oh goodness, a heavy set woman comes in. Ruth swivels her head around and says,''Teresa"... I put my finger up to her lip and say,"Ruth , don't you say a word." I can't figure out if I have lost my mind by taking such a drastic action but she giggles like a little girl and says ,"don't you say a word either." FINALLY, they call us back...
It would take way too long to try to go over the conversation with the staff...wayyyyy tooooo long. Ruth questions every body about every thing on the way down the hall. She has to know names, children, job description for everyone we see. She has to comment to everyone about how stupid it is that she is here and about how she has had to wait forever and come so far. I am not sure that this office deals with many patients with Ruth's personality as they all seem to look a little shell shocked and they just keep smiling apologetically to me. I am feeling a little bit testy myself as I think they should be a little more understanding and sympathetic to her. Kathleen ( the nurse, with the same beautiful name as Kathleen Kennedy) does very well with Ruth. She plays right along and is still able to get her job done. She weighs her and plays the guessing game for Ruth's weight. Ruth guesses 113 and is right, she wins, giggle, giggle. By the way, that 113 is with ALL of her clothes and shoes on and she ate right before we left so my real guess would be about 105...Time for BP check, poor Kathleen, Ruth now knows all about her plans for the future, the age of her children, why she is divorced, who watches the kids....on and on and on...I am in the corner, staying silent.
In comes the Dr...Ruth is locked and loaded , ready to talk.He is not ready to listen so he tells her she needs to let him get ready BEFORE SHE TALKS...needless to say, it is all down hill from this point. Ruth becomes more agitated, he keeps trying to get her to only answer the questions he asks, with direct answers( NOT GONNA HAPPEN)...I feel like I am watching a battle of wills here. I really do get that he HAS to focus on her medical care(his speech) and not her personal care AND that Ruth WILL NOT stay on track but I do feel like it could have been handled better. After about 15 minutes of question and answers( of which she answered very few correctly but there was no way for him to know that) ,he tells her to get up on the table..."That Table," she says ..he doesn't even look up so she goes over and steps up and says,''that table Ruth," ...DOWNHILL....he goes over to try to do a light exam..she chatters the whole time...he tells her to please be quiet...she chatters...he tells her she has an irregularity with her heart rhythm...her ears perk up like a dog on a hunt...she is focused on this and he is moving on with how he will do an EKG and draw blood and make another appt..etc...she is now trying to get him to stop talking and address the heart rhythm statement...she stands up on the little step...I stand up to offer her my hand...BIG MISTAKE...she looks over and gives me that full on Ruth stare and yells ,'' leave me alone, I can do it myself, you are driving me crazy", as she steps gingerly down while still muttering something and sits down...I say I am sorry and sit down.The Dr looks at me like he is ready to defend my honor and I just smile and shake my head to let him know to let it go, it is fine....again NOT GONNA HAPPEN...he is looking at his computer, entering info and says,"Ruth, you are very lucky to have such a daughter in law,"( he is Indian so he speaks very eloquently)...she is staring at the ground and refuses to look up...he proceeds with," I have been doing this for a long time and I have not seen daughters treat their own mothers as good as she is treating you, I can tell how she is by how she acts here," ( O K, I am thinking, this is great but could you please let it go..for the love of everything holy, stop telling her I am her daughter in law)...She will not look up and now she will not speak to him....did I say DOWNHILL....he stands and says he is ordering an EKG,Ruth is not speaking so I venture out on my shaky limb and quietly ask if he can do it there as Ruth does not like to drive...he says yes, Kathleen will do it.Ruth lights back up and says she loves Kathleen. He adds that she will draw blood...He then says he will see her in 2 months(my brain is reeling...TWO MONTHS)
In the hall the Dr says the very words we most dread hearing,"Corinthians may not be able to handle her very long." ...I meekly say ,"I know, we just want drugs....drugs for her...drugs for us...drugs , drugs, drugs." He is writing prescriptions and saying he will give us drugs but adds," she is very difficult"..."I know, but she really is anxious and if we can just help her calm down she might be better", I say hopefully. She now comes out of her room and is wandering the halls.The Dr tells her she needs to go back in her room. She tells him she will when she is ready. She wanders over to the receptionist and looks over the desk. Kathleen is trying to coax her back. She gives me the 'evil eye' and gives the Dr the 'eviler eye'. She walks over to look at the papers he is filling out on the counter and starts to move them. He tells her she can not do that and she needs to go back to her room. I decide to lay my neck right on that chopping block and tell her I have filled out my papers and we can go back to the room.She points her finger at the room and tells me to go in that room and sit down . My Mama didn't raise no dummies, I go sit down. The Dr tells her to go in the room. She walks in and opens the door all the way. She looks at me with such anger and I tell her that the Dr was just concerned about whether it bothered her to have blood taken(all lies and not a very good move on my part)...she points her finger at me and says," he didn't need to ask you anything , he should have asked me." I say," You know honey, you are absolutely right, I am sorry, you are a big girl and you sure don't need me to answer for you.'' She looks back at me and says" You don't want to get in the middle of this, you wouldn't like it." Seriously, she was like a scene from The Godfather. I know when I need to just shut up and sit quietly and so I did. Kathleen comes to get her for her blood work and does a marvelous job. She then takes her for the EKG and I can hear Ruth just chattering away about how I am just a friend that she just met and I have no business there. Kathleen tells her everything seemed normal on her test. Ruth is elated. Kathleen tells her she needs to get dressed and join me back in her room. She smartly asks why she has to join me, Kathleen says because I brought her. That seems to appease her and she comes back. We wait in silence. She is aggravated with me.
It is time to leave.Ruth wants to talk with the Dr. She is NOT coming back in 2 months. Kathleen is soothing her ruffled feathers by making a joke about coming back to see her. Ruth isn't in a mood to be soothed. She is pacing the halls. Kathleen is trying to direct her out. She wants to see the Dr. She sees him and calls out to him. He tells her he has another patient and can not talk to her now, he will see her on her next visit. The hell he will she says. Kathleen motions me over, in front of Ruth, and asks if we have medical power of attorney. I quietly say yes. She quietly says I will have to sign for Ruth as they cannot accept her signature due to her actions. I laugh, sarcastically, and say," They are always looking for some survey information," while sending up a silent prayer that Ruth is buying this new lie. Ruth is trying to get past the person in line, Kathleen is trying to joke with her to get her back. I have the papers the Dr handed me in my hand, Ruth takes them from me and says they are hers.Ruth is bantering with the Dr, they think they are making progress by joking with her about the next appt. Ruth is really getting agitated and saying she will not come back. I finally get behind her to let them know they need to stop, that Ruth is DONE, she is not kidding, we need to go....Again, that apologetic look and Kathleen says this is not their first rodeo. We walk out, there is a lovely little black woman waiting.Ruth tells her she had to wait 2 hrs(try 15 minutes) and she hopes she doesn't have to wait that long. Ruth stops to read what it is saying on the TV. The sweet little lady mouths .."How old?"... I mouth..."83"... she says,''I am 85''...I say ,"she has dementia"..she says..."I know"...Ruth is done with the commercial and turns around and says ,"I am 83, how old are you?"... I am wondering if that is proper but the lovely lady says ''85"... We leave...Ruth is fired up on the elevator and says she will never come back. I say I know she was not happy. She wants a cigarette. I say we can sit out on the bench while she smokes if she would like. She says how good I am to her. I know she is still agitated.
She gripes about the visit the whole way back. I tell her I understand. She had wanted to go to Kroger on the way back but now she just wants to go to her apartment. I tell her I have to go to the grocery store and will pick up whatever she needs and her prescription. She says she will get her own prescription. I explain she will have to drive to get it. She tells me I can get it. We are back and she can't believe how quickly we got back. I chit chat about how it is always quicker getting back.She says I am so funny but right. We go in . She sees Errol and says how horrible the visit was.He just stands and nods. I walk her to her room. She gives me her drivers license and her medicare card and wants to give me her $21(she counts it often) to pay. I tell her there will be no charge as she has insurance. She buys that new lie. I tell her good bye. She says I will see you later. I start to walk out and she opens the door and says she really does appreciate all I do for her. I tell her I love doing things for her and give her a hug.She says she knows. I know she is still aggravated with me .
I gather up Ruth's prescription for anxiety, more shrimp, more yogurt, some fun little treats ,her toilet paper,and her Kleenex and head back. She has had time to nap or go to the fashion show. I know she would not like for me to be reading her info on her prescription in front of her so I am sitting in the car reading the info when she frantically knocks on my window. She scares the fire out of me. I open the door and ask her what she is doing out there.She is now walking around my van saying she is looking for the kids, the crowd, you know, all the people that were here earlier...I am following her and asking which kids.She is saying ,"you know, the kids." I tell her Cindy is at work and Mike is at work..."she knows ,she knows". I distract her with the bags. She is excited and helps me carry some in. I am frantic as I know she now knows she can go out of the building. I walk in and look wideyed at Carla and say," she was outside." Carla says she has been up there looking for me and saw me pull up. I know we have entered a new trouble zone.
She is still looking around for the'others' but I never figure out who she is talking about. We unload all her goodies. She is so excited. She can't understand how I know exactly what she likes. I tell her I listen to what she says. She giggles....She goes back to asking where everyone went. We are sitting on her bed. I ask her who she means. She says,"You know that girl that comes around to help me, I think her name is Teresa." I take her hand and tell her, "Ruth, I am Teresa.'' She says she knows but she means that other one and then says never mind.
We settle in for a chat about the Dr's visit. I ask her if I can read her the directions for her pills since it is a new prescription. She says of course. We chat and joke. She seems to be calming down. I ask her if she would do me a big favor and take one of her new pills while I am there so we can be sure there will be no problems. She rolls her eyes and says I sure do like to worry. I tell her to just ask my kiddos, they will tell her I am a professional worrier. She says I am a real pip, a real pip...She takes the pill
She wants to go out and smoke.We go out. She chats to everyone who passes by. She wants to go back in , it is hot.We go back to the room. She is beginning to get a little loopy because of the pill. She could go to sleep if she wouldn't fight it. She wants to go for a walk. We go out the door, the 'ladies' are out playing with a dog. I actually thought she was going to kick it as it was in her way but she walked around it muttering something about people and their dogs. She looks at me and asks what we are doing. I tell her she wants to go for a walk. We go sit on the couches in the lobby. A lady named Tally, who we have not seen before and who is from New York sits down and asks her her name. Ruth is immediately agitated. The lady is loud, as loud as Ruth. She tells Ruth she loves it here and that she needs to meet Joyce. Ruth looks at me and says she has to get out of here. Tally tells Ruth to stay til her daughter gets there. Ruth says she has things to do. Tally says she has nothing to do, it is all done for her. Ruth angrily says she has things to do in her apartment. We walk off with Ruth saying that was bullshit and she will not have anyone force her to talk. She says it is funny how you know you don't like someone instantly. She says she is so tired. I tell her I need to get home. She says she will miss me but she understands. I go in with her to help her settle down. She starts to undress so as to change into her nightgown. I tell her I am going and she says OK, she thinks she can sleep...I hug her and say goodnight. Once again, she tells me how good I am to her...I smile and leave...
Figuring out how to best deal with Ruth in every situation is a trial and error deal. Cindy, who has been caring for her for through her downhill spiral since Christmas has tried to explain how things have been and I thought I had a clear picture but this week I have learned that you really do have to live the situation to understand it. The biggest challenge comes from knowing when to help and when not to help . It is a fine line that we walk . Our desire to help often takes away Ruths desire to do for herself. She does not handle that well and often lashes out in those instances. We have to always be aware of how desperately she is trying to hold on to her own normal.It does not matter whether or not we agree or disaggree with that normal at this point, in Ruths mind, it is the only normal there is. It is very difficult to make her happy for more than moments at a time but we will keep trying to add enough moments together to give her the most happiness we can.
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