It is difficult to keep up with Ruth's shenanigans these days. It is like dealing with a rebellious 2 yr old. We are at a loss as to what to do ....
Monday was quiet...I worried...
Mike came home early Tuesday so I could visit with Ruth. I should have stayed home. I arrive with my usual fare, shrimp, yogurt, pudding, cocktail sauce, and the needed eye drops...She is glad to see me , appreciates the food, wrong eye drops...She is trying to zip her bathrobe and wonders if I can try to do it for her. I zip it right up.She can't believe it as only a few select people can zip it....it's just a simple zipper but Ruth can not manage it anymore. She keeps going back to how thankful she is that I could zip her robe throughout the entire visit. Her T V is NOT WORKING AGAIN( it is user error but she thinks its the "damn TV")...soooo glad we bought her a brand new flat screen...After her tirade about the T V she launches into her bodily function problems...HELP!!!!...So much too much information... She doesn't feel well, has a stomach ache...She is mopey and extremely whiny. I think she seems defeated today. We chat for about an hour and she says she has got to go to the desk to get them to fix her T V and to get her carpet cleaned due to said bodily function issues. I tell her she can walk me out . As soon as we get out the door she asks where we are going. I tell her she wanted to go to the front desk. We pitter patter on up there and she leans over the desk and asks Dominique how she is doing. Dominique says she is great and asks Ruth how she is doing. Ruth says she is just lovely and cuts her eyes over at me so that she is sure that I understand her sarcasm. She proceeds to tell Dominique that she needs her carpet cleaned as she had an accident. Dominique is very pleasant(as always) and says she will put in a work order for the next day and asks Ruth what she got on the carpet. Ruth looks at her and says," None of your damn business." Dominique looks a little stunned. Ruth looks at me and says," I know you want to hit me." I laugh and say that I absolutely do not...that might have been a little bit of a lie ...Ruth then tells Dominique that she wants her to get someone to come and take her damn T V out and take it back . She says she will have to just beg or borrow another T V. Dominique reminds Ruth that she had just fixed the T V so she could watch Dr Phil...I am just standing there like a mute dummy.. Ruth is chattering away about something. Dominique says she will go back AGAIN and put the T V on the right channel. Ruth is wearing everyone out with the T V issues. I tell Ruth I will see her when I get my Van back...Ruth calls as soon as I get home to let me know how much she appreciates all I do and to say she wishes I had just stayed longer...
Wednesday is totally quiet.. We pick up the Tahoe at 7 PM....
Thursday is still quiet...I go to see Ruth at 3...When I walk in I ask Carla how things are going...not so good...It seems like Ms Ruth has decided to mingle more..It seems like she has decided to come out of her room at meal time...That SHOULD be a great thing...not so much... Carla says that Ruth has been very agitated. She says she comes to the dining room in her night gown and they have to remind her she needs to come dressed. Carla said that Ruth is refusing to eat but she is wandering from table to table bothering people. When she is asked to sit down to eat she says she doesn't have to eat that food as she has shrimp cocktail and beer in her room. Today she arrived for lunch and sat in a spot that another lady always sits in. She was asked to move by the ladies lunch companions and by the lady AND by the staff but she refused. Carla said she saw Ruth's mean side today. The lady left the dining room and asked for her meal to be sent to her room. Ruth called the other lady at the table a bitch but she stayed right where she was, as did Mary, the lady she called a bitch....so sad I missed all of that... I asked Carla if Ruth was in her room. Carla rolled her eyes and said she had been down asking about the Bible Study group so she may be there...Carla added,"good luck." I laughed... nervously..
I met Ruth at the elevator. I am not sure if she knew who I was. She said she was trying to find the Bible Study Class and Pat walks up about the same time. She asks Pat where it is. Pat smiles and says," I told you it was upstairs ." Ruth goes into how hot the elevator is and how she got off of it . Pat says she can walk up the stairs. Ruth says no. Pat laughs and walks away. Ruth asks her why said she said she ''told her it was upstairs''. Pat said because she asked her 2 minutes before. Ruth said she forgot. We get on the elevator and get off in front of the Bible Study group. Ruth doesn't want to walk in as she says they will all want to talk to her. I suggest we sit on the couch outside the door. They are having a full fledged come to Jesus meeting and Ruth wants to sit right outside the door and chat, loudly. There are just no boundaries for Ruth now. She tells me about her 'dining room' experience and says that they are messing with the wrong person as no one will tell her she has to move... I just nod and stare... The Bible Study peeps are interrupting her train of thought so she says she is ready to go and that it is nice that they pray for people but that this is not 'her' group.
On the way back to her room she stops people we pass to ask them if the heard what went on in the dining room. They say they did. Ruth gives her point of view. Like me, they nod and stare. We run into Joyce(oh me oh my)...Joyce is on her side and says there are no reservations. Ruth's ears perk up as she realizes she has an ally. She says that the superior(Mike figured out that she must be referring to the Mother Superior from Ruths boarding school days) came out and said the same thing so she won that round. Joyce explains how it used to work there as everyone had assigned tables but the new owners changed that. She added info about several of the guests. Ruth was in hog heaven. Joyce explained that Ruth could always sit with her( BAD IDEA) or sit at the second table. Ruth said she should be able to sit wherever she wants if she gets there first and walks off. I tell Joyce ,"thank you". Joyce says," we'll keep trying, everytime she walks away the workers say she is making them crazy." I sigh and say, "I know."
We get back to the room. Ruth tells me Errol has FIXED her T V... I love you Errol...He actually gave her his phone number and room number so hopefully he will be able to keep her in T V land. She is all over the place in her conversation today. She talks about Mikes job, Claire's impending job change and move, Jack, Scott, Tracey, Linda and the lousy food at Corinthians. I am taken aback by some of her comments and try to correct some of the things she is off base about. I don't know why I feel the need to do that as I am sure not the chosen spokesperson for any of the family members and she won't remember what I said in an hour. She is unusually busy today..up and down and up and down..After a couple of hours she stands and says she has to go. I don't get up immediately as I am not sure she means it. She looks at me and says,"Come on, we have to go." I say great and ask where we are going. She says," I am so busy. I have a lot of organizing to do. I need to get to work." I follow her out. We hear Doc singing in the dining room. She says she forgot he was singing today. We arrive at the dining room and she says she wants to sit in the back so Doc won't mention that she is there...We sit at 2 of the stools at the bar. She leans over and tells Lena,who is sitting on her walker in front of her to move over. Lena gives Ruth the death look , stands, scoots her walker over and sits down. I am stunned. Doc starts singing. I tell Ruth to enjoy the music and that I have to go. She grabs a hold of my hand and says she understands and that she will miss me . She also says she appreciates me coming to see her. Pat follows me out. I tell her I don't know what to say about Ruth's actions. She says she knows and that she will be fine.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wow. Apparently Mom is not making friends and being a social butterfly as I had hoped. She is becoming very adept at pissing people off.
There are no seating arrangements at Corinthians for meals but just like any other social setting;
think school here, people who are friends like to sit together for their meals. Well, after all of our coaxing for Mom to go to the dining room so she might not only eat better but to try and make friends, today she went to the dining room for lunch. She neither ate or made friends. She did however manage to piss some people off. Apparently, she sat in someone elses "regular seat" and when that someone else wanted her to move she got very aggrivated saying there are no seating arrangements and she could sit wherever the hell she wants.
We think she may be re-living her years spent in the private Catholic schools she grew up in and apparently hated.
Oh Mom. Please don't anger these people. You need to try to make some friends. We cannot be there for you 24-7 and these people are. Can't you try to get along.
OK, wishfull thinking.
There is a part of me that thinks she is trying to sabbotage us. She hates this place and a part of me thinks that if she can get herself kicked out she can come back to Arlington and live with me.
I am going to have to get into a very disciplinary mode with Mom when I see her Sunday. I hate when that happens but it will be OK because when she does get mad at me, I become the "Other Cindy". I seem the only one who can make her mad and then be forgiven.
I will try to make her understand, in the most elementary of terms, that she needs to respect the other residents and try to understand that if she had a table that she sat at with her friends and someone intruded on her seat, how she would feel. I know, well, I think I know, she would tell me she wouldn't let that happen.
Mom doesn't tell me these things that have happened when I talk with her on the phone. I get my best info from Teresa who has really taken over the primary role of Mom's caretaker. She visits daily and spends ENDLESS hours with Mom. I can't hardly stand 3 hours with Mom and Teresa has gone to visit her everyday spending hours with her.
I don't know how Teresa does this. I just know that she does and it is nothing short of a miracle for me as I could not do this without her. Teresa, you have been a Godsend and I appreciate you more that you know.
There are no seating arrangements at Corinthians for meals but just like any other social setting;
think school here, people who are friends like to sit together for their meals. Well, after all of our coaxing for Mom to go to the dining room so she might not only eat better but to try and make friends, today she went to the dining room for lunch. She neither ate or made friends. She did however manage to piss some people off. Apparently, she sat in someone elses "regular seat" and when that someone else wanted her to move she got very aggrivated saying there are no seating arrangements and she could sit wherever the hell she wants.
We think she may be re-living her years spent in the private Catholic schools she grew up in and apparently hated.
Oh Mom. Please don't anger these people. You need to try to make some friends. We cannot be there for you 24-7 and these people are. Can't you try to get along.
OK, wishfull thinking.
There is a part of me that thinks she is trying to sabbotage us. She hates this place and a part of me thinks that if she can get herself kicked out she can come back to Arlington and live with me.
I am going to have to get into a very disciplinary mode with Mom when I see her Sunday. I hate when that happens but it will be OK because when she does get mad at me, I become the "Other Cindy". I seem the only one who can make her mad and then be forgiven.
I will try to make her understand, in the most elementary of terms, that she needs to respect the other residents and try to understand that if she had a table that she sat at with her friends and someone intruded on her seat, how she would feel. I know, well, I think I know, she would tell me she wouldn't let that happen.
Mom doesn't tell me these things that have happened when I talk with her on the phone. I get my best info from Teresa who has really taken over the primary role of Mom's caretaker. She visits daily and spends ENDLESS hours with Mom. I can't hardly stand 3 hours with Mom and Teresa has gone to visit her everyday spending hours with her.
I don't know how Teresa does this. I just know that she does and it is nothing short of a miracle for me as I could not do this without her. Teresa, you have been a Godsend and I appreciate you more that you know.
Monday, May 24, 2010
MAY 20-23
On Thursday I talk with Ruth 2 times,one time I call her, one time she calls me...She seems O K today so I will stay home tonight and finish Haylees quilt . I worry about not going to see her but I know I have got to leave her alone if she is OK.
Friday is totally quiet, no calls. Mike calls her to check on her after he gets home. Again, she seems O K but she is confused about who Mike is.He tells her he will visit on Sat morning instead of the 'usual' 9 A M call. She hesitates but says that will be good. She launches into her usual desire to get out of where she is. Mike says they will try to work things out tomorrow. Thirty minutes later Ruth calls me to see if I am coming over. I explain about going to Kierstins birthday party and Kadens game...she sighs and says she understands. She says," I guess you know I am going to have a guest tomorrow." I tell her I do know that." She asks," How do you know that?' I say,"Because I was here when Mike talked to you." She hesitates, which usually means she is either confused or she thinks I am crazy and then says," Oh yeah, well I don't want to talk about it anymore now, I know you are busy so I will let you go.I just miss you so much." I tell her ," I know," followed with ," I know you will have a good visit tomorrow, don't be worried." She impatiently says," I don't worry about things like this, will I see you tomorrow, I really miss you like the dickens." I tell her I will see her tomorrow afternoon and then Cindy will be up the next day. She says she is looking forward to that.
Mikes visit on Saturday was as expected. She acted like she knew who he was most of the time. He was there for about 2 hours. He got to see a lot of her behaviours for the first time through new eyes now that he knows what is going on . Needless to say, between the smoking, patterned behaviours, confusion, sadness, and Ruths desire to leave Corinthians, he was exasperated by the time he left. Visiting with Ruth is an exhausting experience. Our main desire is to make her happy but that just ain't gonna happen. Next on the list of desires ,we would like to help her not be so confused...that ain't gonna happen for more than the few minutes after each conversation.Then it is right back to confusion as normal. Our list of desires has had to change daily. Now we are down to keeping her safe and comfortable. We (Cindy and all her personas, Mike and all his personas , and I) often feel like we are failing Ruth. Simply put, we can not fulfill any of our desires when it comes to her . As of this writing, she is still miserable, she literally hates where she is, we know no more about what is wrong with her than when we started the Drs visits, she refuses to eat the food from Corinthians, she is drinking more and smoking more than ever, she is more confused about who is who each day, she is not grooming herself properly ,she thinks she has unlimited finances ,and she is tired and grumpy most of the time. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE HAD HOPED FOR....
I visited Ruth Saturday afternoon. She was unusually agitated. She was washing clothes(3 pairs of undies at a time) and you would have thought she was washing for 20. She was really involved in what I will now just term as patterning. She does the same thing over and over and over again ,ie... she sits on the bed, takes off her shoes, puts the laces in and puts them on the shelf in her closet.She then returns to the bed, turns to the shelf by the bed, straightens her shelf top, folds the covers back, fluffs the pillows, sits down on the bed, fluffs the pillows, pulls up each cover separately, flattens them, reaches over and gets a cigarette, picks up her ashtray, goes through the same routine about she shouldn't be smoking in the room but hopes she won't get caught, apologizes about the smoke but adds she won't blow it in my direction.She settles in for a chat and then removes her covers in the reverse order,stands and does her ashtray routine,puts everything back in order on her shelf, walks over to look out the window to see if anyone is smoking,asks me if there is anything I want and then heads back to repeat the previous pattern again and again and again until either I leave or she actaully keeps her shoes on this time to go out of the room. As I said , she seems unusually agitated and distrtacted today. I know she is not feeling well and that she is tired as she said she has been up since 1 A. M. . She seemed to have enjoyed her visit with Mike but she adds that he was just wrong about several things. I am not in the mood for the long discussion that will be involved if I ask her what he was wrong about so I stay silent.After a couple of hours she decides she is going to take her pants back to dry so I say I need to go. She says she understands. I remind her that Cindy will be visiting tomorrow. She seems happy and relieved. I leave her talking to the dryers...
Sunday is Cindys day. She does a miraculous job with taking Ruth out. Only those who have dealt with Ruth lately in public know what a risk you are taking when you take her out. Hopefully, Ruth will be more open to going out now. It will be great for her to get away from Corinthians some. Normally, she will not go anywhere.
GREAT JOB CINDY>CINDY
Friday is totally quiet, no calls. Mike calls her to check on her after he gets home. Again, she seems O K but she is confused about who Mike is.He tells her he will visit on Sat morning instead of the 'usual' 9 A M call. She hesitates but says that will be good. She launches into her usual desire to get out of where she is. Mike says they will try to work things out tomorrow. Thirty minutes later Ruth calls me to see if I am coming over. I explain about going to Kierstins birthday party and Kadens game...she sighs and says she understands. She says," I guess you know I am going to have a guest tomorrow." I tell her I do know that." She asks," How do you know that?' I say,"Because I was here when Mike talked to you." She hesitates, which usually means she is either confused or she thinks I am crazy and then says," Oh yeah, well I don't want to talk about it anymore now, I know you are busy so I will let you go.I just miss you so much." I tell her ," I know," followed with ," I know you will have a good visit tomorrow, don't be worried." She impatiently says," I don't worry about things like this, will I see you tomorrow, I really miss you like the dickens." I tell her I will see her tomorrow afternoon and then Cindy will be up the next day. She says she is looking forward to that.
Mikes visit on Saturday was as expected. She acted like she knew who he was most of the time. He was there for about 2 hours. He got to see a lot of her behaviours for the first time through new eyes now that he knows what is going on . Needless to say, between the smoking, patterned behaviours, confusion, sadness, and Ruths desire to leave Corinthians, he was exasperated by the time he left. Visiting with Ruth is an exhausting experience. Our main desire is to make her happy but that just ain't gonna happen. Next on the list of desires ,we would like to help her not be so confused...that ain't gonna happen for more than the few minutes after each conversation.Then it is right back to confusion as normal. Our list of desires has had to change daily. Now we are down to keeping her safe and comfortable. We (Cindy and all her personas, Mike and all his personas , and I) often feel like we are failing Ruth. Simply put, we can not fulfill any of our desires when it comes to her . As of this writing, she is still miserable, she literally hates where she is, we know no more about what is wrong with her than when we started the Drs visits, she refuses to eat the food from Corinthians, she is drinking more and smoking more than ever, she is more confused about who is who each day, she is not grooming herself properly ,she thinks she has unlimited finances ,and she is tired and grumpy most of the time. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE HAD HOPED FOR....
I visited Ruth Saturday afternoon. She was unusually agitated. She was washing clothes(3 pairs of undies at a time) and you would have thought she was washing for 20. She was really involved in what I will now just term as patterning. She does the same thing over and over and over again ,ie... she sits on the bed, takes off her shoes, puts the laces in and puts them on the shelf in her closet.She then returns to the bed, turns to the shelf by the bed, straightens her shelf top, folds the covers back, fluffs the pillows, sits down on the bed, fluffs the pillows, pulls up each cover separately, flattens them, reaches over and gets a cigarette, picks up her ashtray, goes through the same routine about she shouldn't be smoking in the room but hopes she won't get caught, apologizes about the smoke but adds she won't blow it in my direction.She settles in for a chat and then removes her covers in the reverse order,stands and does her ashtray routine,puts everything back in order on her shelf, walks over to look out the window to see if anyone is smoking,asks me if there is anything I want and then heads back to repeat the previous pattern again and again and again until either I leave or she actaully keeps her shoes on this time to go out of the room. As I said , she seems unusually agitated and distrtacted today. I know she is not feeling well and that she is tired as she said she has been up since 1 A. M. . She seemed to have enjoyed her visit with Mike but she adds that he was just wrong about several things. I am not in the mood for the long discussion that will be involved if I ask her what he was wrong about so I stay silent.After a couple of hours she decides she is going to take her pants back to dry so I say I need to go. She says she understands. I remind her that Cindy will be visiting tomorrow. She seems happy and relieved. I leave her talking to the dryers...
Sunday is Cindys day. She does a miraculous job with taking Ruth out. Only those who have dealt with Ruth lately in public know what a risk you are taking when you take her out. Hopefully, Ruth will be more open to going out now. It will be great for her to get away from Corinthians some. Normally, she will not go anywhere.
GREAT JOB CINDY>CINDY
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Today was a good day, realitively speaking. Mom was, as always, so happy to see me. It seems to her that it takes hours and hours for me to get there. It's a one hour trip but for her, it is one of the longest hours of her day.
She wanted to go out. Not just outside-really out. She said let's go to lunch. I said OK but they won't be serving for another 40 minutes. No, I'm not eating here, I want to go to a restaurant.
I told her that I am not really familiar with the area and wouldn't know where to go or how to get there. No problem. We'll just go ask someone. OK. While out trying to find the area we were told about, I spot a little Italian place in a shopping center. When she finds out they don't serve beer, we're asking for another restaurant. The kids in this place are looking at us like we're nuts. Can you blame them? After I tell them we are looking for something like Red Lobster or Outback, one of them says "Let me take these rolls to my table and I can tell you how to get to Red Lobster." Mom lights up and says "That would be great!" She is happy. This sweet kid comes back and writes down step by step instructions on how to get to Red Lobster. His instructions were very precise so even I didn't get lost. Knowing that it would be about a 15 to 20 minute trip gave me pause but she was so bent on going that I just took her. At this point, she knows not to distract me while I am driving as we have been through that.
On the way there, she is chattering softly; incessantly. I hear her voice but can make out only about 15% of her words.
At Red Lobster we have the nicest waiter. He is very kind and does a great job. She orders shrimp cocktail. WHAT??. She has shrimp cocktial at home. She has been eating shrimp coctail for days and days. OK. I say nothing.
This is the best shrimp cocktail she has ever had. Why is it so much better she wants to know. All I can come up with is that mabey the shrimp here is fresh whereas the shrimp we get at Kroger is frozen. She agrees. I think.
Mike was Dick all day. I was Cindy her friend; for how much of day, I'm not sure. She talked about us moving in together and I have to tell her again that she can't move in with me. That at the first opportunity, I will be moving closer to her. She understands, as always, but seems to be so miserable where she is.
I think she thinks that when I do move closer that we can get an apartment together. I explain that it wouldn't work because I still have to work. I remind her of the previous six months how she would call me at work asking when I would be home and then her telling me that she just watches the clock until it reaches the Cindy is home hour. I remind her of how miserable she had been those last months here and although she agrees, she just doesn't feel like she is home anymore.
She said Dick told her that the neiborhood was not the best area for her and she agrees. But it was still her home for 20 + years and she is having a really hard time adjusting to her new surroundings. He understands.
We talked about the different stages of life and that the stage she is in should be fun and carefree, just like a little kids life is fun and carefree. She talked about getting a job. Nixed that idea pretty quick. I then talked with her about what she could do that would make her feel like a contributing member of society. I said it's easy, cheap, wouldn't have to leave your apt. and something she already knows how to do and in fact is very good at. She asked what that would be. I suggested (Thank Teresa for this idea) writing letters to soldiers serving overseas. She thought that sounded like a good idea but writing to a complete stranger apparently did not sit as well as I had hoped. Then I had one of those Lightbulb moments. I told her that Michael has some friends serving and I could get their names from him. That seemed like a much better idea. I don't know if this is something she will actually do but I'll try to get a few names and how to write to them. I will encourage her by letting her know that letters from home are precious to these guys (and girls) serving. I think I need to take my own advise to Mom and get involved too. Volunteer work is always a good thing.
Rest easy Mom.
I love you.
Cindy
She wanted to go out. Not just outside-really out. She said let's go to lunch. I said OK but they won't be serving for another 40 minutes. No, I'm not eating here, I want to go to a restaurant.
I told her that I am not really familiar with the area and wouldn't know where to go or how to get there. No problem. We'll just go ask someone. OK. While out trying to find the area we were told about, I spot a little Italian place in a shopping center. When she finds out they don't serve beer, we're asking for another restaurant. The kids in this place are looking at us like we're nuts. Can you blame them? After I tell them we are looking for something like Red Lobster or Outback, one of them says "Let me take these rolls to my table and I can tell you how to get to Red Lobster." Mom lights up and says "That would be great!" She is happy. This sweet kid comes back and writes down step by step instructions on how to get to Red Lobster. His instructions were very precise so even I didn't get lost. Knowing that it would be about a 15 to 20 minute trip gave me pause but she was so bent on going that I just took her. At this point, she knows not to distract me while I am driving as we have been through that.
On the way there, she is chattering softly; incessantly. I hear her voice but can make out only about 15% of her words.
At Red Lobster we have the nicest waiter. He is very kind and does a great job. She orders shrimp cocktail. WHAT??. She has shrimp cocktial at home. She has been eating shrimp coctail for days and days. OK. I say nothing.
This is the best shrimp cocktail she has ever had. Why is it so much better she wants to know. All I can come up with is that mabey the shrimp here is fresh whereas the shrimp we get at Kroger is frozen. She agrees. I think.
Mike was Dick all day. I was Cindy her friend; for how much of day, I'm not sure. She talked about us moving in together and I have to tell her again that she can't move in with me. That at the first opportunity, I will be moving closer to her. She understands, as always, but seems to be so miserable where she is.
I think she thinks that when I do move closer that we can get an apartment together. I explain that it wouldn't work because I still have to work. I remind her of the previous six months how she would call me at work asking when I would be home and then her telling me that she just watches the clock until it reaches the Cindy is home hour. I remind her of how miserable she had been those last months here and although she agrees, she just doesn't feel like she is home anymore.
She said Dick told her that the neiborhood was not the best area for her and she agrees. But it was still her home for 20 + years and she is having a really hard time adjusting to her new surroundings. He understands.
We talked about the different stages of life and that the stage she is in should be fun and carefree, just like a little kids life is fun and carefree. She talked about getting a job. Nixed that idea pretty quick. I then talked with her about what she could do that would make her feel like a contributing member of society. I said it's easy, cheap, wouldn't have to leave your apt. and something she already knows how to do and in fact is very good at. She asked what that would be. I suggested (Thank Teresa for this idea) writing letters to soldiers serving overseas. She thought that sounded like a good idea but writing to a complete stranger apparently did not sit as well as I had hoped. Then I had one of those Lightbulb moments. I told her that Michael has some friends serving and I could get their names from him. That seemed like a much better idea. I don't know if this is something she will actually do but I'll try to get a few names and how to write to them. I will encourage her by letting her know that letters from home are precious to these guys (and girls) serving. I think I need to take my own advise to Mom and get involved too. Volunteer work is always a good thing.
Rest easy Mom.
I love you.
Cindy
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 17, 18 ,19
So much of the time spent with Ruth is just an instant replay of the hours of conversations already had. I think my years of raising children have prepared me to be able to repeat the same discussions over and over again AND to ACT like I am hearing it for the first time AGAIN( that's right kiddos, except for Heather, I had heard most of your discussions before but at least with each of you, it would always change a little based on your individual personalities ).
I had told Ruth I would not be able to visit for a few days because of Mike having my car but her pleas for a quick visit always pull me back. Mike has been great about coming home early each day so that I can go over for a bit.
Ruth remains out of touch with reality most of the time. She continues to separate Mike into different people and continues to wonder why NO ONE every told her about him. She has added a new name for him this week. For some reason she is also calling him Tom. Cindy and I spend lots of time trying to decipher the code of names but we can't figure this one out. Ruth has also started assigning some of the things Cindy does to Linda so it appears that Cindy is also taking on another new persona...As for me,most of the time I am still just me, Teresa, her dear friend..
After her call on Tuesday, I told her I would be over after Mike got home from work. I stopped by Kroger and loaded up on yogurt, shrimp, chocolate pudding, lemon parfaits ,and lunchables. Ruth met me in the hall to the dining room(where everyone was eating) in her light weight nightgown. She said she had waited forever and had to keep seeing if I was there.It had been 7 minutes since I called her to let her know I was coming. We put away all of her goodies.... I sat down...Ruth said she had something very important to talk about...I waited until she was ready to talk.
It was the usual conversation.....Hate it here...miserable...what to do?... Mike, Michael, my son, your husband?????...how did I get here...how can I get home...
I patiently answered each question again. I explained her need to go for more tests. It is so difficult to explain what the problems are to a person who thinks that nothing is wrong. At one point she said,"Did you ever stop to think that maybe Cindy is crazy, not me...".....hmmm ...I answered," well no, I know that Cindy IS crazy, just like me, but in this instance, the things she has told us are the things that we have seen SOOO I think we better figure out what might be going wrong ." She said she understands. She seemed to calm down a bit .She said she wanted to sleep .She wanted me to know that she wasn't mad about anything and she wouldn't stress about anything,she was just tired. As always, she said how much she appreciates all I do and thanks for coming when she called...
Today, I got a call from Ruth saying she had to find the children. She said they had all gotten dressed and left....maybe they went to church..did I know where they were...RED FLAG WARNING...I asked if she was talking about the people at Corinthians and she said," No, I am talking about the kids.I went to the desk and they said they are all in school but I am going to have to find them"... I ask her if she is ok and she says she is fine ,she just has to find the kids....I hang up the phone and call Carla. As soon as I say it is me Carla sighs and says," Ruth has been up here for hours trying to find her children and I can't keep her out of the kitchen. We can't have her in the kitchen." I tell her I will be right there...
When I arrive, Ruth is chatting with a resident. I talk with Carla and Michelle for a bit. Carla explains what has been going on AND says the T V is working fine as Lonn went by to check it and the cable was not tight enough...thank you Lonn... Michelle says she will try to get Ruth assigned to in home care so that the nurses on site can spend time with her and relay first hand info back to the Dr...that is the most help we have gotten to try to figure this out...thanks Michelle...I let Ruth visit for about 5 more minutes and then go and sit in one of the chairs by her. She looks up and sees that it is me and says," Oh my God, you have no idea how much I needed to see you.I can't believe you are here." She introduces me and says she wants to go upstairs as she has something real important she wants to talk about. All the way to her room she has her arm tightly around me. She has more trouble getting the key to work.
The big discussion is about how it would be a win win situation for she and Claire to move in together. She has really thought this out and she adds," I can be a good girl, I will cook every day, I will clean, and I will sleep later." damn...damn, damn, damn.... She is killing me. I've gotta bring out the big guns now. I tell her about grass not being greener. I tell her that Claire needs this time to live on her own, just like Ruth had needed all those years(try selling that to the person who now believes she has never lived alone half the time). I explain about her medical concerns, safety issues, being located where Cindy wants to move to. She seems to be buying some of it. She says she has no friends, that no one here is in her sphere, nothing in common... I ask her if she had good friends in Arlington...She says that her best friend was Terry and that she hasn't written him. I point out that Terry is as far out of her sphere as anyone could ever be but that she gave him enough time to get to know him. She says I am right. I suggest a hobby, a list of things she enjoys,helping the lonely people at Corinthians. Once again, she seems to be buying some of it. I tell her about the seasons of life and the fear we all have of entering a new season. I tell her it is her own choice whether she becomes a negative vegetable in her room or whether she goes out the door and becomes a positive influence . She continues listening to my noble speech and seems to understand. She wants to have one more cigarette then she wants to get out of the room...I am feeling like I have made some progress...I am so darn smart...We are walking down the hall and she says..."I really have got to find the kids." Man, so much for feeling so smart. I know the simple answer would be to just tell her where her kids are...been there, done that...she is not talking about them, she is talking about THE KIDS...Ruth never can give any description or names. This time she says they were there this morning and they all got dressed and left.She thinks they went to Mass but they have been gone way to long. I ask her if they will be coming back tonight(that's right, I know how to play). She pauses ,looks at me and says, "do you think I dreamed them or made them up?" I quietly say ,"Maybe, I just don't know."
We are in the dining room.Ruth won't eat but has decided to take THIS opportunity to be friendly.I just want to go. She talks to a few people, tells one lady she wants to see her tonight, is told not tonight ,asks if she has a date or something, lady says yes, other lady at table says she is nosey...I just want to go. I lead Ruth away and tell her I need to go fix dinner. She says she understands. When we get to the front she wants to sit and talk....I sit...Mike texts he is hungry...I really just want to go. Ruth is quiet. She says that she was told that all of her family would visit her but no one does,no one...I tell her that Cindy , Mike and I do. She says that Linda and Cokie don't. I go over how sick Linda is. She says she would never expect Linda to drive, she would go there if she could. I tell her I will take her over there any time she wants. She asks if I have seen Linda lately. I tell her it has been 20 years but I will be more than glad to take her over. She says she wants to call Cokie. I tell her I am sure he would enjoy that. She is quiet again and then says I need to go home and fix dinner for my husband. I say I do. She is distracted when I tell her good by. She heads off towards the dining room. I choose to believe she had a fun filled evening of chatting with her friends..
Good night Ruth...
I had told Ruth I would not be able to visit for a few days because of Mike having my car but her pleas for a quick visit always pull me back. Mike has been great about coming home early each day so that I can go over for a bit.
Ruth remains out of touch with reality most of the time. She continues to separate Mike into different people and continues to wonder why NO ONE every told her about him. She has added a new name for him this week. For some reason she is also calling him Tom. Cindy and I spend lots of time trying to decipher the code of names but we can't figure this one out. Ruth has also started assigning some of the things Cindy does to Linda so it appears that Cindy is also taking on another new persona...As for me,most of the time I am still just me, Teresa, her dear friend..
After her call on Tuesday, I told her I would be over after Mike got home from work. I stopped by Kroger and loaded up on yogurt, shrimp, chocolate pudding, lemon parfaits ,and lunchables. Ruth met me in the hall to the dining room(where everyone was eating) in her light weight nightgown. She said she had waited forever and had to keep seeing if I was there.It had been 7 minutes since I called her to let her know I was coming. We put away all of her goodies.... I sat down...Ruth said she had something very important to talk about...I waited until she was ready to talk.
It was the usual conversation.....Hate it here...miserable...what to do?... Mike, Michael, my son, your husband?????...how did I get here...how can I get home...
I patiently answered each question again. I explained her need to go for more tests. It is so difficult to explain what the problems are to a person who thinks that nothing is wrong. At one point she said,"Did you ever stop to think that maybe Cindy is crazy, not me...".....hmmm ...I answered," well no, I know that Cindy IS crazy, just like me, but in this instance, the things she has told us are the things that we have seen SOOO I think we better figure out what might be going wrong ." She said she understands. She seemed to calm down a bit .She said she wanted to sleep .She wanted me to know that she wasn't mad about anything and she wouldn't stress about anything,she was just tired. As always, she said how much she appreciates all I do and thanks for coming when she called...
Today, I got a call from Ruth saying she had to find the children. She said they had all gotten dressed and left....maybe they went to church..did I know where they were...RED FLAG WARNING...I asked if she was talking about the people at Corinthians and she said," No, I am talking about the kids.I went to the desk and they said they are all in school but I am going to have to find them"... I ask her if she is ok and she says she is fine ,she just has to find the kids....I hang up the phone and call Carla. As soon as I say it is me Carla sighs and says," Ruth has been up here for hours trying to find her children and I can't keep her out of the kitchen. We can't have her in the kitchen." I tell her I will be right there...
When I arrive, Ruth is chatting with a resident. I talk with Carla and Michelle for a bit. Carla explains what has been going on AND says the T V is working fine as Lonn went by to check it and the cable was not tight enough...thank you Lonn... Michelle says she will try to get Ruth assigned to in home care so that the nurses on site can spend time with her and relay first hand info back to the Dr...that is the most help we have gotten to try to figure this out...thanks Michelle...I let Ruth visit for about 5 more minutes and then go and sit in one of the chairs by her. She looks up and sees that it is me and says," Oh my God, you have no idea how much I needed to see you.I can't believe you are here." She introduces me and says she wants to go upstairs as she has something real important she wants to talk about. All the way to her room she has her arm tightly around me. She has more trouble getting the key to work.
The big discussion is about how it would be a win win situation for she and Claire to move in together. She has really thought this out and she adds," I can be a good girl, I will cook every day, I will clean, and I will sleep later." damn...damn, damn, damn.... She is killing me. I've gotta bring out the big guns now. I tell her about grass not being greener. I tell her that Claire needs this time to live on her own, just like Ruth had needed all those years(try selling that to the person who now believes she has never lived alone half the time). I explain about her medical concerns, safety issues, being located where Cindy wants to move to. She seems to be buying some of it. She says she has no friends, that no one here is in her sphere, nothing in common... I ask her if she had good friends in Arlington...She says that her best friend was Terry and that she hasn't written him. I point out that Terry is as far out of her sphere as anyone could ever be but that she gave him enough time to get to know him. She says I am right. I suggest a hobby, a list of things she enjoys,helping the lonely people at Corinthians. Once again, she seems to be buying some of it. I tell her about the seasons of life and the fear we all have of entering a new season. I tell her it is her own choice whether she becomes a negative vegetable in her room or whether she goes out the door and becomes a positive influence . She continues listening to my noble speech and seems to understand. She wants to have one more cigarette then she wants to get out of the room...I am feeling like I have made some progress...I am so darn smart...We are walking down the hall and she says..."I really have got to find the kids." Man, so much for feeling so smart. I know the simple answer would be to just tell her where her kids are...been there, done that...she is not talking about them, she is talking about THE KIDS...Ruth never can give any description or names. This time she says they were there this morning and they all got dressed and left.She thinks they went to Mass but they have been gone way to long. I ask her if they will be coming back tonight(that's right, I know how to play). She pauses ,looks at me and says, "do you think I dreamed them or made them up?" I quietly say ,"Maybe, I just don't know."
We are in the dining room.Ruth won't eat but has decided to take THIS opportunity to be friendly.I just want to go. She talks to a few people, tells one lady she wants to see her tonight, is told not tonight ,asks if she has a date or something, lady says yes, other lady at table says she is nosey...I just want to go. I lead Ruth away and tell her I need to go fix dinner. She says she understands. When we get to the front she wants to sit and talk....I sit...Mike texts he is hungry...I really just want to go. Ruth is quiet. She says that she was told that all of her family would visit her but no one does,no one...I tell her that Cindy , Mike and I do. She says that Linda and Cokie don't. I go over how sick Linda is. She says she would never expect Linda to drive, she would go there if she could. I tell her I will take her over there any time she wants. She asks if I have seen Linda lately. I tell her it has been 20 years but I will be more than glad to take her over. She says she wants to call Cokie. I tell her I am sure he would enjoy that. She is quiet again and then says I need to go home and fix dinner for my husband. I say I do. She is distracted when I tell her good by. She heads off towards the dining room. I choose to believe she had a fun filled evening of chatting with her friends..
Good night Ruth...
Sunday, May 16, 2010
May16...peace in the kingdom
Mike called Cindy before church today to get her to check on Ruth's T V and ask if things were good.Cindy said things were good. After church I had a message from Cindy that she was glad I didn't answer the phone as she(whoever she is) had pissed off her Mom and to call her when I got a chance. I called...we chatted about the same things that Ruth is going through AGAIN , tried to figure out what to think, what to do ,how to feel, etc ,etc...I tell Cindy I will go by to check on Ruth..
Ruth answers the door in her nightgown and looks beat. I ask her if she is OK.She says ,"I guess you heard about my fight with Claire." I say yes....She says," Well, she is not welcome here again." I say," Now Ruth..." She says," I'm not kidding, I don't care if I never see her again." She asks about the paper I have in my hand. I tell her," I told you I would make a list of what you owe me when it gets to a million dollars. I have come to collect my million." She laughs and says," Oh, I am so glad you did that for me.That relieves my worry about that." I see the blanket I bought laying on the chair just like the first blanket we bought . I ask her if she would like for me to return it. She says," Oh no, it is beautiful." I sit down...She lays down on the bed.
She is quiet for a moment and then says ," You know what else Cindy said to me today? She said she knows Mike is her brother ." I say nothing...She proceeds with the usual back and forth of how does she know him...why didn't she tell her...she had some nerve getting rid of her T V...she was mean to me..." I pick out the one thing I think I can win at and say," Ruth, in Cindy's defense, she knew about the new T V and didn't want to spoil the surprise by asking you what to do with the old T V so she kept quiet about it in order to not spoil your surprise." Ruth says," I can understand that but she should have told me today.That is just not right.'' ...Ruth's comment make no sense more and more of the time.
Ruth then asks if I bought the TV...AGAIN... I say ,"Mike and I did." OFF TO THE RACES...we spend an hour trying to work out who Mike is. Ruth is so offended that she has had a son for 59 years that never told her he is her son. She is aggravated at her other children for not introducing him. She is really, really aggravated why everyone keeps telling her that he has been to visit her on Mothers Day and other visits when she knows she has never met him. She asks if I can tell her any times I know he has visited her. I try to use tangible items to make her understand. I tell her he bought her mattresses and brought them to her..She says her husband brought them. I tell her Jack was dead. She says her other husband. I tell her she never married again. She pauses and ponders and says ,it was her boyfriend. I tell her the only boyfriend I ever knew of was the other Jack(there really was another Jack) who lived in St Pete. She said."You know, I think you are right. I did almost marry him but decided not to." She goes back to Mike. She wants explicit details of the mattress delivery....I give them to her. She gets quiet and then asks if there is anything else. I go through the list of things Mike has bought over the years. She says she finds it hard to believe..."Why would a stranger buy her all those things?" I tell her he is her son and wants to be sure she has all that she need. She says it just doesn't make sense.
We go over and over Mike , Michael, my husband Mike and she finally seems to have a little breakthrough moment about who he is....fleeting moment because she says her brother Dick buys her Mothers Day cards every year. I explain that that is Mikes card..She argues that it is Dick. I tell her Dick is dead. She can't believe it. I tell her it is true and give her the details. She says it must have been her one of her other brothers. I tell her they are all dead. She asks for names and specifics....I give them to her....She stares....She says she is talking about the brother who is taking care of her Mom at the house in N Y...I tell her her Mom is dead.She says I am right. All of the brothers being dead seems to make her try to stop and figure out if she is wrong about Mike. She says she just needs to meet Mike and see if he knows any childhood memories. I tell her she needs to be aware that she needs to be kind to him as this is very hurtful to him. She says she understands and that none of this is his fault .
She goes over her need to move. I tell her that she needs to figure out how she can move and stay within the parameters of what she can do. She says she really should be able to go live with Claire. I tell her that Claire has Alzheimer's and is in a home. She says she meant Cindy. I tell her no deal...She says she knows. She says she can go live with her brothers and sisters. I tell her she and Claire are the only surviving siblings. She says ,I am wrong as Jeanne is still living. I tell her she died in 2002. She asks where. I tell her Florida....She is quiet and then says he has no where to go. She changes the subject .
She goes back to Mike and his phone calls that we claim is him on Sat mornings. She asks how I know he calls her. I tell her I am there. She says I am crazy as it is her boyfriend who calls her and tells her how much he loves her. She is adamant that she knows she is right. I say nothing.
She is calming down. I tell her we need to let this go for now. I ask her to get me a drink. She jumps up and says she would love to. I ask her if she feels better. She says she really does. I say," And since I feel better, I would love to see Cindy next Sunday." She laughs and says," O K but she has to be nice. I guess I could be nice, too." I say," It never hurts to be nice." She laughs...I tell her I am tired of talking about this so I want to tell her about the movie Letters To Juliet. I tell her all about the movie. We talk about Laura Bush , Barbara Walters, dinner plans, Mikes job and on and on for another 45 minutes. She seems relaxed. I tell her I need to go. She says O K but I will miss you. I ask her again if she is feeling better. She says she feels so much better. She hugs me tightly and says how much she appreciates me coming over. I tell her I know she does. I tell her I won't be able to be over tomorrow as Mike wrecked the car. She says she knows. I tell her she can go down and have lunch. She doesn't complain like she normally does about how lousy the food is, she asks what they will be having. I tell her I don't know. She says she will go down tomorrow and see...even that statement is progress..
Good night Ruth.....
Ruth answers the door in her nightgown and looks beat. I ask her if she is OK.She says ,"I guess you heard about my fight with Claire." I say yes....She says," Well, she is not welcome here again." I say," Now Ruth..." She says," I'm not kidding, I don't care if I never see her again." She asks about the paper I have in my hand. I tell her," I told you I would make a list of what you owe me when it gets to a million dollars. I have come to collect my million." She laughs and says," Oh, I am so glad you did that for me.That relieves my worry about that." I see the blanket I bought laying on the chair just like the first blanket we bought . I ask her if she would like for me to return it. She says," Oh no, it is beautiful." I sit down...She lays down on the bed.
She is quiet for a moment and then says ," You know what else Cindy said to me today? She said she knows Mike is her brother ." I say nothing...She proceeds with the usual back and forth of how does she know him...why didn't she tell her...she had some nerve getting rid of her T V...she was mean to me..." I pick out the one thing I think I can win at and say," Ruth, in Cindy's defense, she knew about the new T V and didn't want to spoil the surprise by asking you what to do with the old T V so she kept quiet about it in order to not spoil your surprise." Ruth says," I can understand that but she should have told me today.That is just not right.'' ...Ruth's comment make no sense more and more of the time.
Ruth then asks if I bought the TV...AGAIN... I say ,"Mike and I did." OFF TO THE RACES...we spend an hour trying to work out who Mike is. Ruth is so offended that she has had a son for 59 years that never told her he is her son. She is aggravated at her other children for not introducing him. She is really, really aggravated why everyone keeps telling her that he has been to visit her on Mothers Day and other visits when she knows she has never met him. She asks if I can tell her any times I know he has visited her. I try to use tangible items to make her understand. I tell her he bought her mattresses and brought them to her..She says her husband brought them. I tell her Jack was dead. She says her other husband. I tell her she never married again. She pauses and ponders and says ,it was her boyfriend. I tell her the only boyfriend I ever knew of was the other Jack(there really was another Jack) who lived in St Pete. She said."You know, I think you are right. I did almost marry him but decided not to." She goes back to Mike. She wants explicit details of the mattress delivery....I give them to her. She gets quiet and then asks if there is anything else. I go through the list of things Mike has bought over the years. She says she finds it hard to believe..."Why would a stranger buy her all those things?" I tell her he is her son and wants to be sure she has all that she need. She says it just doesn't make sense.
We go over and over Mike , Michael, my husband Mike and she finally seems to have a little breakthrough moment about who he is....fleeting moment because she says her brother Dick buys her Mothers Day cards every year. I explain that that is Mikes card..She argues that it is Dick. I tell her Dick is dead. She can't believe it. I tell her it is true and give her the details. She says it must have been her one of her other brothers. I tell her they are all dead. She asks for names and specifics....I give them to her....She stares....She says she is talking about the brother who is taking care of her Mom at the house in N Y...I tell her her Mom is dead.She says I am right. All of the brothers being dead seems to make her try to stop and figure out if she is wrong about Mike. She says she just needs to meet Mike and see if he knows any childhood memories. I tell her she needs to be aware that she needs to be kind to him as this is very hurtful to him. She says she understands and that none of this is his fault .
She goes over her need to move. I tell her that she needs to figure out how she can move and stay within the parameters of what she can do. She says she really should be able to go live with Claire. I tell her that Claire has Alzheimer's and is in a home. She says she meant Cindy. I tell her no deal...She says she knows. She says she can go live with her brothers and sisters. I tell her she and Claire are the only surviving siblings. She says ,I am wrong as Jeanne is still living. I tell her she died in 2002. She asks where. I tell her Florida....She is quiet and then says he has no where to go. She changes the subject .
She goes back to Mike and his phone calls that we claim is him on Sat mornings. She asks how I know he calls her. I tell her I am there. She says I am crazy as it is her boyfriend who calls her and tells her how much he loves her. She is adamant that she knows she is right. I say nothing.
She is calming down. I tell her we need to let this go for now. I ask her to get me a drink. She jumps up and says she would love to. I ask her if she feels better. She says she really does. I say," And since I feel better, I would love to see Cindy next Sunday." She laughs and says," O K but she has to be nice. I guess I could be nice, too." I say," It never hurts to be nice." She laughs...I tell her I am tired of talking about this so I want to tell her about the movie Letters To Juliet. I tell her all about the movie. We talk about Laura Bush , Barbara Walters, dinner plans, Mikes job and on and on for another 45 minutes. She seems relaxed. I tell her I need to go. She says O K but I will miss you. I ask her again if she is feeling better. She says she feels so much better. She hugs me tightly and says how much she appreciates me coming over. I tell her I know she does. I tell her I won't be able to be over tomorrow as Mike wrecked the car. She says she knows. I tell her she can go down and have lunch. She doesn't complain like she normally does about how lousy the food is, she asks what they will be having. I tell her I don't know. She says she will go down tomorrow and see...even that statement is progress..
Good night Ruth.....
Wow. Each week I get a new picture of dementia, and it is not a pretty one. This is one scary disease and grappling with how to help Mom, how to talk to her when she clearly just doesn't get it, trying to avoid arguments all while trying to keep in mind that when she is talking with me I never really know if she thinks she is talking to Claire, Cindy (her imaginary friend) or me, Cindy, her daughter. I am desperately trying to learn how to juggle her emotional ups and downs and never really knowing who she thinks she is talking to when I am with her.
The fact that she has me being 3 or 4 different people was very troubling at first but now that I am beginning to understand this, to a degree, it is a huge benefit. I'll try to explain briefly.
As her primary go to person, the only one there for her, the one she could see on a daily basis, I met her basic needs for the last 6 or 7 months. I helped her, comforted her and gave her a soft place to fall. When I would say or do something that made her mad or uncomfortable, she could not bring herself to alienate me. She depended on me to much and I think she would get aggrivated with me and had a need to be mad at me from time to time so she created the other Cindy. She (the other Cindy) lives in the same apt. complex although I have never met her but Mom thinks we know each other. Then, I think when we both piss her off, I become her twin sister Claire. She talks to me like we grew up together. Not much of an explaination cause who in their right mind could really explain what is going on in Mom's mind. Certainly not me. Just recently, she at one point referred to me as Jean- her older sister. Go figure.
She can not wrap her head around how I know Mike (my brother). She asks when I met him. I tell her that I grew up with him, he's my big brother. She says, no, when did you meet him. Mom, Mike is my big brother, we played baseball, football and went fishing together. She still wants to know when I met him. Honestly, I don't remember ever "meeting" Mike. He was there when I got there. I give up. She wants me to know that he has been here to see her and when I confirm that I know this, she wants to know how I know. I explain that he helped move her here. She doesn't understand how I know about that and I tell her again, that we were all here together to help get her moved in. It's just too much for her to take in. She lays her head back on her pillow, mouth agape and her eyes are just so sad and empty and wanting to close. She is so tired. And so miserable. And there is nothing anyone can do to help her.
Once again, after I leave her, come home and take time to think about our day, I cry for her. For her misery, for her confusion, for her hating her life and for her absolute loss of self.
This is a sad, sad situation.
She hates being where she is and I am bordering on getting honest with her about why she is really here but she just would not understand and I am so hesitant to further agitate her that I don't.
Teresa just called after visiting with Mom tonight. As it turns out, today I was Claire, and Mom never wants to talk with me again. I guess Claire sufficiently pissed her off. Oh no. I'm down to two personalities and only one of them can make her mad. I guess if that happens, she will create another person for me to be as she knows that she depends on me too much to totally alienate me. Unless she transfers that dependancy to Teresa. Scary thought, huh Teresa.
Mom was asking why she hasn't seen anyone else from the family, Cokie, Linda where are they. I remind Mom that Linda has to get a portable oxygen tank in order for her to visit and she remembers, "Oh, yes."
Just so, so very sad.
Another day in Mom's life.
Hoping she can rest easy tonight.
The fact that she has me being 3 or 4 different people was very troubling at first but now that I am beginning to understand this, to a degree, it is a huge benefit. I'll try to explain briefly.
As her primary go to person, the only one there for her, the one she could see on a daily basis, I met her basic needs for the last 6 or 7 months. I helped her, comforted her and gave her a soft place to fall. When I would say or do something that made her mad or uncomfortable, she could not bring herself to alienate me. She depended on me to much and I think she would get aggrivated with me and had a need to be mad at me from time to time so she created the other Cindy. She (the other Cindy) lives in the same apt. complex although I have never met her but Mom thinks we know each other. Then, I think when we both piss her off, I become her twin sister Claire. She talks to me like we grew up together. Not much of an explaination cause who in their right mind could really explain what is going on in Mom's mind. Certainly not me. Just recently, she at one point referred to me as Jean- her older sister. Go figure.
She can not wrap her head around how I know Mike (my brother). She asks when I met him. I tell her that I grew up with him, he's my big brother. She says, no, when did you meet him. Mom, Mike is my big brother, we played baseball, football and went fishing together. She still wants to know when I met him. Honestly, I don't remember ever "meeting" Mike. He was there when I got there. I give up. She wants me to know that he has been here to see her and when I confirm that I know this, she wants to know how I know. I explain that he helped move her here. She doesn't understand how I know about that and I tell her again, that we were all here together to help get her moved in. It's just too much for her to take in. She lays her head back on her pillow, mouth agape and her eyes are just so sad and empty and wanting to close. She is so tired. And so miserable. And there is nothing anyone can do to help her.
Once again, after I leave her, come home and take time to think about our day, I cry for her. For her misery, for her confusion, for her hating her life and for her absolute loss of self.
This is a sad, sad situation.
She hates being where she is and I am bordering on getting honest with her about why she is really here but she just would not understand and I am so hesitant to further agitate her that I don't.
Teresa just called after visiting with Mom tonight. As it turns out, today I was Claire, and Mom never wants to talk with me again. I guess Claire sufficiently pissed her off. Oh no. I'm down to two personalities and only one of them can make her mad. I guess if that happens, she will create another person for me to be as she knows that she depends on me too much to totally alienate me. Unless she transfers that dependancy to Teresa. Scary thought, huh Teresa.
Mom was asking why she hasn't seen anyone else from the family, Cokie, Linda where are they. I remind Mom that Linda has to get a portable oxygen tank in order for her to visit and she remembers, "Oh, yes."
Just so, so very sad.
Another day in Mom's life.
Hoping she can rest easy tonight.
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